Ethnic joke: Why are they called "refried beans"? Have you ever seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?
A guy is walking down the street when he picks up this frog. The frog says, "I'm a beautiful princess. If you kiss me I'll turn back into a woman and make sure you have a great time!" The guy puts the frog in his pocket (without kissing it) and keeps going. A block later he pulls the frog out and the frog says, "I told you I was a beautiful princess! If you kiss me and turn me back into a women I'm make you rich!" The guy puts the frog back into his pocket and keeps going. A block later he takes the frog out. The exasperated frog says, "I told you that if you kiss me I'll show you a great time and make you rich; not only that I'll marry you so you'll be the king of the land. Why won't you kiss me?" The guys says, "Look. I'm in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog is pretty cool...."
The Poker Player Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their ransaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes his afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Since you guys are ranking on us "homeboys" and "esses"... SO WILL I! -=-=-=-=-=- Why do Mexicans have TAMALEs during Christmas? So they can have something to unwrap! -=-=-=-=-=- A young black woman walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job." The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a girlfriend for his nympho son. You'll have to drive around with him in a big black Mercedes, but your suits, shirts, and panties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young man on his overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The young black lady said, "You're bull****ting me, man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!" -=-=-=-=-=-=- 24 Things you will NEVER hear a woman say... 1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. 2. The new girl in my office is a real hottie, and a stripper too, I invited her over for dinner on Friday. 4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. 5. Bar food again!? Kick ass. 6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class. 7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. 8. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then we don't have to mess with it anymore. 9. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em? 10. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers. 11. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare butt! 12. I'm going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends. 13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again. 14. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly! 15. You are so much smarter than my father. 16. If we're not going to have sex, then go ahead and watch football. 17. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 18. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 19. You're so sexy when you're hung over. 20. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 21. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 22. I'll be out painting the house. 23. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something. 24. Look! My butt is bigger than yours! -=-=-=-=-=-=- Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
Q : How many Longhorns does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A : 50. One to screw it in, and 49 to complain to the dean that someone of their sex, ethnicity, or sexual orientation wasn't allowed to do it. Q : How many Aggies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A : Three. One to screw it in, one to make it a tradition and one to lead the cheer, "Screw the Hell out of that Lightbulb!" Q : How many Rice Owls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A : Two. One to screw it in and one to go onto Clutchfans and post how super-duper Rice Owls are at lightbulb screwing.
A Chinaman goes to an optometrist. Optometrist checks the Chinaman out. Optometrist: Oh I see your problem you have cataract. Chinaman: No I don’t. I drive a Wree-con Continental
I refuse to let this thread die. <-i better quit... I am addicted to these < thingies ======================== For all the ladies out there, pass these on, so you gain a little insight into male thinking. RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW....... 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. 12. You have too many shoes. 13. Crying is blackmail. 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 23. Check your oil. 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.All comments become null and void after 7 days. 28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together. 46. What the hell is a doily?
God walks into the garden of eden and finds Adam and Eve sitting alone. "Arise my children" says God "for in this bag I have brought two gifts, one for each of you." Adam and Eve get up excitedly and wonder what the gifts could be. "First is the ability to pee standing up." Adam runs over and grabs this gift. "It's mine ha ha!!" and he laughs at Eve. Adam is ecstatic at the new gift but then he's curious about what else is left in bag. Eve peers in the bag and begins to jump up and down in glee. "What is it?" Adam asks. "Multiple orgasms!!!!"
Police today warned all men who frequently attend clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beer s" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
