A catholic preacher at a local parish was out fishing with a man from his congregation. As the minister caught a huge fish, the congregation member blurted out "That is a big Son of a b**** you got there father" The father said " My son, you know it is not proper to curse" The man, thinking quickly looked innocently and said "Yes father, I understand, but I did not curse, that is the name of the fish" The father smiled, sighed and replied "ah". The father took the fish back to his parish and gave it to one of the junior nuns and said. "Sister, would you be so kind as to clean this son of a b****?" The nun looked shocked, and said "Father, I am a woman of the cloth it is disprespectful to talk to me this way" The father chuckled, and put his hand on her shoulder and replied. " Do not fret young one, for that is the name of the fish" So, the nun set about to clean the fish, and as she was done she took it to the Mother Superior who was preparing the evening meal. The nun said "Mother Superior, would you please cook this Son of a b**** for us tonight?" The Mother Superior looked angrily at the young nun, and scolded her, "Young lady, you are not to speak to me in such manner, I am a senior member of the church" The nun smiled, and said, " Mother Superior, you do not understand for that is the name of the fish" The mother superior grinned and gently took the fish and began preparing the meal. It just so happened that the Pope was visiting that city and had decided to drop in for an evening meal unannounced. All in the meal went well, and at the end of it the Pope pushed back his chair and said "That is the Best tasting fish, that I have ever had the pleasure of eating" To which the Father said "Well I caught the Son of a b**** your emminance" The sister said " And I cleaned the Son of a b****" And the Mother superior beemed " And I cooked the Son of a b****" The Pope was stunned, he looked at each one of them slowly and noticed that they were all smiling peacefully. So, he leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head and said " You know what? You Mother F***ers are all right"
Q: How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (Three different answers) A: 11 One to screw in the lightbulb and ten to print up the t-shirts. B: 1 She holds the lightbulb and the rest of the world revolves around her. C: 0 Sorority girls don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in their own vomit. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? A: The toilet won't follow you around for a week after you use it at a party. Q: What do sorority girls use to keep their ears warm? A: Their ankles. The prospector came into town once a year for supplies. He'd buy his supplies, stop in at the saloon for a shot of whiskey and head back into the hills; until one year, after downing his shot he asks, "Hey, barkeep! Ya got any women?" The bartender replies, "Nope, but we got Ol' Joe in the back." "I don't go for that sh*t!", says the prospector and heads back up into the hills. The next year the prospector comes into town, gets his supplies, stops in for his whiskey and after downing his shot, says, "Hey, barkeep! Ya got any women?" The bartender says, "Nope, but we still got Ol' Joe in the back." "I don't go for that sh*t!", says the prospector and heads back into the hills. A year later, the prospector comes into town, gets his supplies and heads back to the saloon. After his shot he says, "Hey, barkeep! Ya got any women?" "The bartender says, "Nope, but we STILL got Ol' Joe in the back." The prospector thinks for a minute and says, "Hey, barkeep, if I go in the back with Ol' Joe, who's gonna know about it?" "Well", says the bartender, "You and me...Ol' Joe, course...and the two guys back there with 'im." "What two guys back there with 'im?", asks the prospector. And the bartender replies, "The two guys holdin' 'im down. Ol' Joe don't go for that sh*t, either."
Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? A: Because she was a woman. LMAO at the pope one from DD and the "he was sitting on my table wondering why i was doing an autopsy" and the "brain in the jar" one. if i was the judge i would've been rolling after those lines.
plz don't take this offensive - as these are only jokes, we know there are jokes of all kinds making fun of every type of person...so with that intro... why couldn't stevie wonder read? -because he's black. why was stevie wonder always smiling? -because he didn't know he was black.
since i threw in those black jokes...i'll add some white jokes - which are rare for some reason. what do you call 300 white guys chasing a black guy? -the PGA tour. whats white and 8 inches long. -nothing.
Entering into Heaven A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer." "No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food." "I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!" Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"
TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ 10. Husseinfeld 9. Mad About Everything 8. Allah McBeal 7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror 6. Achmed's Creek 5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right 4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest 3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show 2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs 1. Suddenly Sanctions
How do you castrate a redneck? -Kick his sister in the jaw. What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? -Rooster says, "Cockl-doodle-doo!" Blond says, "Any-cockl-doo!" "You ok?" "naw man... I'm pretty ****in' far... from ok." "What now?" "What now? I'll tell you what now. I'm onna call a coupla hard pipe hittin *****hs to go to work on the holmes here with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. You hear me hillbilly?" "I meant what now between you and me." "oh. that what now"
Warning ethnic joke: How did the Texans know that there were 5000 Mexicans at the Alamo? They arrived in 3 vans.
One day a guy is hanging around his house when he hears a knock on the door. The guy goes to answer the door. There's nobody there. The guy notices a snail on his porch and tosses it back into the yard. Three years later, the guy is hanging out and gets a knock on the door. Guy goes to answer the door. The snail looks up at him and says "What the F*** was that all about?"
What did William Travis say to Davie Crocket when he saw the Mexican Army advancing on the Alamo? "I didn't know we were getting a new roof today"
THE SERMON & HYMN #365 A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
And what did his son say when the kid's homework flew out the window? Come back here esse! ------------------------------------------------------ How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb has to want to change. ---------------------------------------------------- As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The light turns green so the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter, we're in Minnesota, and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!"
on that note, another one my friend told me from maxim (like the helen keller one): why the blonde have sex with the mexican. because her professor told her to do an essay.
