These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. _______________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15. Q: What year? A: Every year. ______________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty year-old, how old is he? _____________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ______________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ______________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ______________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ______________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
What do you tell a woman with a black eye? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...Nothing, you already told her once!
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Popemobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore. There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President Bush, quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then, using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom." "Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about Texas shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"
How To Crap Like A Man 1. Select reading material. 2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors. 3. Pull pants and underwear around ankles, then sit down. 4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim. 5. Open reading material and relax. 6. While waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart. 7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man. 8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks. 9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it. 10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl. *Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper. 11. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet. 12. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later). 13. Wash your hands once. 14. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
Q: Did you hear about the strand of hair that ended up in the hospital? A: He had a brush with death and ended up in a comba.
Q: What is the first thing a woman should do after getting released from the battered women's shelter? A: The f*cking dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Why don't you buy a woman a watch? -there's a clock on the oven. what do you do when your dishwasher stops working? -kick her in the ass. why did the woman cross the road? -lets get to the damn point, why was she outta the kitchen?
A man long-marooned on a deserted island is finally saved. His rescuers noticed some finely built stone buildings on the island and had gone to investigate. When they found the stranded man, they asked him what the large building on the hill was. "That building is my home," he said. "I've had a lot of time here to build." "That's very impressive that you've done all this work all by yourself. And, what is that grand building across the way?" "That," he said, "is my church." "Wait, then what is that building with the bell-tower?" his rescuer asked. "That's the church I used to belong to."
WIFE FROM HELL A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, Iclocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking."
Since I read "wife from hell" and I realized it is actually a MORON DRUNK who's at fault, I decided to give you guys this one: ========================================= SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
A man and his wife are out playing golf and the wife hits one way off line and it winds up breaking a window in a house that lines the course. They rush over to apologize and find a large figure there standing next to a broken lamp. The figures says ," Thank you. I am a genie and I have been stuck in that lamp for 100 years. I will grant you each whatever you want as long as you can grant me a small favor back." They both agree and the husband says " I want to have endless wealth" The genie obliges and the man is suddenly extraordinarily wealthy. The wife says " I want to always be healthy and never age" Poof...the genie waived his hands and gave the woman eternal health and beauty. The husband says, "Ok, what can we do for you?" The genie replied, " I have been trapped for so long...its been 100 years since I had sex. May I have sex with your wife?" The husband and wife finally agree and the genie and the wife go upstairs and have the most unreal sex session that the wife had ever experienced. After they were done, they were getting dressed and the genie asked, "How old is your husband?" "45", she replied. Genie says, "and he still believes in genies?"
Lisa:"Oooooh, Tom, please don't..." Lisa:"Oooooh, Tom, please..." Lisa:"Oooooh, Tom..." Lisa:"Oooooh..."
