truely bad This is the story of Onestone the Indian Brave. This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young lady named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone." Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of the story? (You'll love this!!!! ) * * * * * * * * * * * * * You can't kill two birds with one stone
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on. The captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound. Thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt and my brown pants!"
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC, this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason. It's simply impossible to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There were no problems, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back to the vet. 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
A guy walks into a bar with his dog, "Rover," and sits down for drink. The bartender says, "hey buddy, we don't allow dogs in here, you'll have to take him outside." The man says, "hold on... this ain't no regular dog, this is a talking dog." The bartender says, "If you can prove it, I'll let you stay in here with him." So the guy says, "Rover, what's on top of the building?" To which Rover replies, "Roof!" The bartender says, "That's barking you dork! All dogs do that." The guy says, "No wait! Rover, what's the opposite of smooth?" And Rover replies, "Rough! Rough!" The bartender says, "Look wiseguy, you're gonna have to leave." The guy says, "Just one more chance, please?" The bartender says, "One more chance... and if he barks again you're outta here!" "Okay," says the guy, "Rover, this one's a difficult one... Who was the single greatest player in the history of major league baseball?" Rover excitedly replies, "Ruth! Ruth! Ruth!" "That's it, buddy! You're outta here! Take your dog and beat it!" Dejected and defeated the guy and his dog leave the bar. They walk down to the curb and sit there sulking. Confused, Rover looks up at his owner and asks, "Dimaggio??"
A guy gets in the check-out line at the grocery store, and a woman in front of him is unloading her groceries for the checkout clerk. The guy observes the woman's groceries, then says to her "You must be single." The woman exclaims "That's amazing, how are able to tell that I'm single just from looking at my groceries?" The guy says back to her "Oh no, you're just ugly." Tacky, I know.
I have posted this before but I will post it again. The greatest joke of all time: Spoiler One day Billy's parents took him to the Circus to see all of the clowns. He was so excited! He never saw one up close before! In the middle of the show, a tiny little car came out and out came 20 clowns! He was cheering so loud he couldn't speak for a couple minutes. Just then, the Leader of the Clowns took a microphone and asked for a volunteer. Billy raised his hand and shouted ''Me! Me!'' The clown looked around and said ''You!'' as he pointed at Billy. He was so happy! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown looked down at him and asked, ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy said ''No...'' ''Are you the horse's ears?'' ''No...'' Then the clown got an evil look in his eye as he said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' The whole tent shook with laughter, and Billy cried his eyes out. He couldn't believe a clown made fun of him like that! He swore revenge! Billy grew up, he went to college, got a job, got married, and had a few kids, but still never forgot what that clown did to him. One morning he saw an ad in the paper for the same circus, and decided to go. He knew the PERFECT insult to get him back! When he told his wife and kids he was going his kids asked if they could goto the circus with him. He calmly said ''No. Daddy has something he needs to do there.'' In the middle of the show, a little car came out and out came about 20 clowns. The crowd cheered, except for Billy. The Leader of the Clowns took a microphone. It was the same Clown! Billy was so excited that he could now get revenge! The clown asked for a volunteer. Billy calmly raised his hand. The clown picked him! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown said ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy stayed calm and said ''No.'' The clown asked ''Are you the horse's ears?'' Billy replied ''No.'' Then the clown said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' Billy knew his time had come. As the crowd laughed and everyone cheered, his anger grew. Now was the time for revenge. He looked deep into the clown's eyes and said... Spoiler ''f**k you, Clown.''
In the middle of the forest, a turtle and a snail have a gruesome head-on collision. The snail is rushed to the emergency room, where a doctor asks what happened. On the edge of consciousness, the snail responds, 'I don't know, Doc. It all happened so fast.' What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle? Wheeee!
Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?" Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up. The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." "No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?" The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves "I don't know but I sure as hell ain't touching it!"
