Why not just ask you Mom what's going on? "Mom, I'm worried about you, you seem to spend a lot of your free time away from home, you work hard but, money seems like it's a problem and Dad has started drinking, a lot. Is there something we could talk about? I there something I can do to help?" You'll probably get the stiff upper lip brush off but it is the start of a dialog. Honesty and sincerity are usually the best approach. Adults lives get complicated with stress and we often adopt postures we can't retreat from. It's scary to be out on your own at 19 but you might begin to think about it.
IMHO, you have a right to know as you are apart of the family and if something happens that could affect your situation, you should know...Now having said that, I mean you talk to your dad about it and let him deal with/talk to your mom...he may not be open and honest about it at first, but he'll know you're concerned and thus its something he can bring up to your mom... However, the deeper you get involved, the more directly you could be blamed/the focal point of this... btw, women are crazy...moms included...
After reading this thread, I have some input: First of all, this IS your business. It's your family, it's your parents. You have every right to stick your nose in there, because, for pete's sake, you freaking live together. But all you can do is act as a catalyst for change. You can't change people. You can just show them the way. Try to keep things positive. Maybe your folk's relationship isn't going to last. How old are your parents? Did they get together at a really young age? It's possible that they just grew apart and stayed together over the years for your sake, which is commendable. Kids are everything, IMO. But you aren't a kid anymore. Which brings me to my next point- none of this is your fault. They are adults and they make their own decisions. If you decide to stay out of it, that's fine too. It's not your fault. At all. It sucks, but they're the jackasses here. Remember that and keep your chin up. Your dad's drinking is certainly a problem. He's doing it to escape reality. If he's drinking on a daily basis, then you should probably worry. In fact, this may be a bigger issue than your mom potentially cheating. Changing partners won't kill you, but drinking too much certainly eventually will. Lastly, if you want to get out of that situation, go for it. Move out. You're old enough. I had to find a place to live when I was seventeen and a senior in high school because my home imploded. There's no shame in asking for help from your good friends or relatives. Just be honest and put your heart out there. I'm sure someone will put you up. Just remember to be a good guest and not a slob and you can extend your stay for a long time. Good luck.
1. I'm skeptical of the working late evidence. What kind of work does your mother do? Depending on her position/role, it's not unusual to work late nights after the business is officially closed. You and your father might be jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst. 2. If her income isn't showing up in the house books, it's possible she's stockpiling in her own bank account in preparation for a divorce. That wouldn't be surprising given your description of the relationship, even without an affair. 3. You seem to side with your father. Be careful about that. If their marriage does falter, even due to an affair, it won't be just one person's fault. If you do end up confronting a parent, don't pick on just one. They both need to work on repairing the relationship (if they want to keep it). 4. I'd offer advice that is a hybrid of the butt-out camp and the butt-in camp: you have an interest in a healthy relationship between your parents, but you are not in a position to manage it. You can consider talking to the both of them about the impact their schism is having on you and urge them to get some marriage counseling. It'd be worth the money, I'd think, but they can try a church (if you're a member of one) or similar if they can't pay for it. That way, you're active in fixing your situation but less exposed to all the mess that is bound to result.
C'mon is it really that bad for a kid to want to find out whats going on? They are part of the family too and all this effects the kids also. At harsh times like this, parents will need support from their kids. Plus, the guy is 19 and not 9. It's not like he isn't going to understand why mommy and daddy are fighting. If he's old enough to move out like you guys said, then he's old enough for his parents to tell him the real deal. Seriously though, you guys wouldn't want to find out if YOUR mom is cheating or not? Sometimes, you can't just sit there and act like its nothing. There are thousands of couples where their spouse has cheated on them and it keeps happening because they are afraid. They're scared to lose the family, kids, money or whatever else that is still keeping them together. So to keep that intact, they "turn the cheek" while the other spouse continues cheating. I don't think hes trying to play marriage counselor. He's just doing what any son would do in a situation like this. Obviously, this is all new to him so he could be taking it pretty hard. He wants to get involved because he cares. You can't blame him for that.
Look, It is your life, if it is affecting YOUR life, then by all means ask your mom what is going on? There is nothing wrong with communication, just ask her..... There is usually 2 sides to every story, and they may indeed be on the verge of divorce or seperation, but that is not his fault. But again, there is NOTHING wrong with asking. I can't believe so many people would just sit on the sidelines and take it.... SHEESH ! DD
To all who say to get involved.... What is he going to accomplish? I mean really. If he gets involved, there is a really good chance that not only will he not make anything better, he could make things much worse. Let's say Mom is not having an affair. If he confronts her, then she may assume that dad put him up to it. She's mad at them both. While his family is his business, not everything that is involved in a family is his business. Just remember, sometimes the strategy of charge up the hill and scorch the earth ends with a pile of bodies and nothing getting accomplished.
Ok, Let me clarify, you don't CONFRONT her by accusing her of having an affair. You tactfully ask her why she said she is working until 11pm when the office closes at 5pm....and start from there. I mean honestly.. DD
To a point, then it ends. His parents have their own lives to lead and their own relationships (ironic that children need to reminded of this since they express the same for themselves so often). JuanValdez's post is pretty much spot on.
Coming from a home whos parents never stopped fighting, taking sides is the ultimate trap for the kids. Even if they don't intentionally want you to, the lure of validating a parent's opinion in their struggle is very tempting. You, on the other hand, do not know all the facts in the situation, and ultimately, you leave yourself in a very high degree of getting hurt. These struggles can easily devolve into zero-sum games. As hard as it sounds and as distant as it sounds coming from a stranger, try to stay balanced and stay neutral. Your parents are ultimately human. The days of them seemingly knowing all the answers should be tempered with age by now, so it's okay to accept that they make mistakes occasionally. You can't change your biological parents, and you can't move heaven and earth to influence the decisions two grown adults will make. With that in mind, tell yourself that it is not your fault the situation they have now. If you decide to do something about the situation, please think well ahead and be well prepared of the emotional consequences for everyone involved. But again, if it doesn't work the way you wanted it to, it is not your fault. It's their lives that they're living.
I'm not saying you do nothing. If you feel compelled to ask, ask. but what if she says, "It's none of your business."? If she tells you to back off, you have no choice. More importantly, someone else said it in this thread - he is positioning himself to take the side of his father in something really messy. It always, ALWAYS takes two to tango. You just don't know what predicated all this and it is a BAD idea to make up your mind before you figure it out.
My company closes at 5 pm and most everyone leaves, but I and a few other hard works stay at least until 7 -8 pm working.
Sorry guys, was kind of busy yesterday, but I didn't do any stalking or anything like that and after reading some of the responses here, I won't do it any time soon. Yeah, you're right. The more I think about it, the more it's between my mom and my dad. Though my dad seems to be trying to use me like he sometimes does because he can't really handle it. Of course, I can't really handle it also. Well the biggest reason I asked here is because needed answers quickly and this forum is more mature than most others and the average age here (among regulars anyways) is also alot older than most forums. 1. My dad went to her work office and the entire building shut down. No cars, no light, no nothing. And when he called her about what she's doing, she says she's working overtime at the exact same place. 2. It's very possible... 3. Personally, I wasn't on the side of my father for a long time. He was making bad money decisions, is pretty stubborn, and his drinking certainly isn't helping. I don't think I'm on either side, anyways. I just want this to finally end even if it means a divorce. 4. Yeah one of my friends also said that. She also says she can get a marriage counsel for me should I need it at some point. Well that's what I pretty much do right now anyways. I rarely see my parents. They are either working or I'm out. If I do see them, it's my dad and I pretty much ignore him. Well I had to quit my job at pizza delivery because gas is just plain too much and don't like the wear-and-tear it does to my car. So I'm currently job searching. I'll probably do start that small talk, though I did try that before which resulted in my mom thinking about moving away and my dad thinking about getting a divorce, but that was a few months ago.
