I agree with you on the principle that br0ken_shad0w has a limited amount of ability to affect his parents' marriage in this matter. That rock is too big for him to push up the hill. However, his parent's relationship is having a HUGE effect on his life, enough so that he's come to a group of complete strangers looking for absolutely anything that might help. Their issues have spilled over into the public forum and are no longer private. I'd say it is his business. br0ken_shad0w: If it gets worse, If the safety of your living environment is compromised, If your personal well-being is compromised, you have the responsibility to protect yourself (and younger siblings if you have any). You cannot help their marriage, but you can help yourself, and I'd urge you to do so. If it does get worse, and if you're still in high school, I'd go to your counselor. Sit down, say you're not going home, say it's not safe. He/she would likely have more education, training and experience to deal with your personal situation. Worry less about them, worry more about you.
I'd say the personal life of anyone I love is my business in a sense. If she cheats on his dad and is an axe murderer at night that doesn't mean he should ignore it just because she's a good mother. I would want to know what type of person my mom is.
When and if it directly impacts his life - threatens his safety, etc. - then it is time to get involved. Until then, it is all speculation. Besides, think of it this way broken_shadow... Let's say your father suspects your girlfriend is having an affair. Would you want him following her around all hours of the night spying on her? If he then found out she WASN'T having an affair, how pissed would you be? Point is, your relationship is YOUR business. Their relationship is THEIR business. Since they have been married at least 19 years, I'm guessing they have more experience dealing with the turbulence that often interferes with a long-term relationship. At 19, you have very, VERY little life experience, let alone relationship experience. You cannot fix your parents' problems. In fact, by interfering, there is just as good a chance that you will damage YOUR relationship with your parents as anything. Look, let's say your mom is having an affair. She's still your mom even if she and your dad divorce. Do you want to be the one that outed her to your father? And what if they reconcile? How do you repair the damage you've done to your own relationship with them? You are treading on incredibly complicated terrain here and your best bet is to back off and let your parents deal with it. You forcing the issue will only make things worse.
As the son, I think at some point, you have to get involved. It may be THEIR business but you are THEIR son and they are YOUR parents. My cousin's dad cheated on his mom and if it wasn't for my cousin grilling his dad with questions like why he cheated on his mom, his dad would have left the family. He saw the disappointment in his son's eyes and that was enough to make him cry. That one conversation saved their family. You can't always just sit back and let them deal with it themselves. Some parents are weak and need guidance. There is no better way to humble someone than to let them explain to their own kids that they are have an affair. It may not always work but a person would have to have no heart to be able to tell their kids that and not feel bad about it.
as bad as I feel for you brokenshadow, please please heed this advice above. I am also a child of a broken home, and I know somewhat how this must be tearing at you....but you are neither qualified nor ready at this time in your life to attempt marriage counseling. Even us older guys with much more experience and wisdom gained from the school of hard knocks would not feel ready to deal with a situation like this. I could go on, but nothing I say is gonna help, unless you listen to my advice and take Jeff's posts to heart. good luck to you.
Are you insane? His mother is an adult. Why in the hell is it a) his business or b) necessary that he be armed when he finds out the truth? What an irresponsible and batsh!t crazy thing to tell some 19 year old kid...sheesh.
I think if you intervene, you will be a better mediator than your dad or mom. The dialogue between your parents can continue through you and problem be hopefully resolved.
I totally agree with everything that Jeff has said so far. The only additional advice would be to get out of the house. At 19 years old, it's time to do your own thing. You definitely need to mind your own business.
I agree with Mater Baiter -- you need to get a job and get out. From what I can make of the situation (and obviously I am filling in some holes with conjecture). Your parents have mentally divorced a long time ago -- you Dad fills the pain with booze and anger and your Mom fills the void by just not being present. I know this sucks but you can't fix them and it's not your job to do that. As a supportive son you can say "When you are ready to try to face the real issues -- because the booze and the late nights are not the real issues -- I am willing to do what I can to help but unitl then there is nothing I can do (except pray for them -- if you have a faith in a higher power)"
It was more of a joke but Dad has all this pressure building up inside and some Dads go crazy when it finally spills over. It is not all that uncommon for Dad to off the family because he feels like he has lost everything that matters and he wants to sever anything born from that relationship. He's smart enough to know whether he should or shouldn't. In today's world, you have to be aware of all the options. It has nothing to do with the Mom. We can all apply the beat down on Mom if we need to. lol Your right...it is crazy. It's not my doing. It's this f-ed up world's doing and how some people can't handle what life throws at them.
I agree that your dad needs to handle it himself, and he may be unfairly bringing you in to this situation. But, you are part of the family, I do not condone turning a blind eye and saying...it is none of your business. They are your parents, I would talk to your mom (ALONE) and see what she says....tell your dad that you are not going to be a pawn in their marriage and that he needs to be a man and work it out himself. But, you should be there to support both parents, especially the one that is the most devestated if there is a breakup. Try to avoid placing blame, as often times there is a lot more to the story than you know about. However, affairs are never acceptable, and if your mom admits to it, you should let her know how you feel. At the end of the day though it is all on you, we don't know the relationship you have with your mom, or your dad....... And if you do decide to confront your mom, just ask her a simple question like "How come you come home so late when your office closes at 5pm?" There may be an easy answer after all. DD
Would you want your kids butting into your marriage? Right or wrong? Especially a 19 year old that has no idea what in the hell they could be talking about? I'm not knocking the OP, just saying.
I would have 2 assumptions about that situation. She's probably having an affair or working in a strip club, but rule out the strip club since she's not paying for anything. I would never want to go anywhere near such a situation. I would give advice but I don't think I would follow it myself. If it bothers you that much, go stalk her out. At least your mind will be at ease.
Wise words from Jeff. Figure this out. WHat are you going to do once you find your 'answer.' Seriously -- how's it going to play. What do you want to get out of this? Do you still want a good relationship with both your folks? IF so....how realistic is that if you play detective on your mom's personal life. Once you *know* and if it's not the answer you want, how will you deal with it. Why not just accept her. If you really want to meddle -- perhaps find things for you folks to do together. For some reason they're avoiding eachother. But man....taking the role of marriage councellor to your parents...not easy. Probably not wise...
My father was married before he married my mother. I had 2 half sisters by his previous marriage that I did not meet until I was 16. One of my sisters husband became a really good friend to me. We played basketball and partied together. One day he came to me and told me he was cheating on my sister with this little hottie. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start trouble. A month passes and then he tells me he is going to leave my sister for this girl in a few days. I tried to talk him out of it. At first I decided I was going to not get further involved by telling my sister. Then I decided I had to. She confronted her husband, he lied. She believed him. Now both were still mad at me. 2 days later, her husband did leave her for this girl. My sister was still pissed at me about not telling her sooner. 2 more days pass and the husband comes back. My sister forgives him and they are both still mad at me. Don't get yourself involved in a no win situation. I should have told her husband when he first came to me that I didn't want to be know anything related to his and my sisters marriage. I was young and I really didn't know my sister any better than I did him and made a stupid choice to assume a burden that I did not have to. You have to have a relationship with your mom and dad after the smoke clears from all of this. As Jeff told you, the best thing is to let them handle this.
