I would wake up in the morning and drop the deuce on a golden toilet. Louie CK and Conan would write the script for everything I would say to my faithful subjects over the course of the day. I would then watch The Gilmore Girls performed live, with each episode ending with Lauren Graham and Alexis Biedel making out furiously. I would then visit my private gladiator quarters and watch Kobe Bryant play Ping Pong against Tom Brady in an 8 by 8 glass box. The real fun begins when the royal guards drop 25 Spitting Cobras into said box. In another room, Cortland Finnegan will repeatedly be asked to recite Tolstoy's War and Peace word for word, and if he makes even one error, A group of 20 cloned Andre Johnsons will be unleashed upon him. Justin Bieber and Jimmy Fallon would be ordered by royal decree to hold hands at all times in public and forced to wear "I'm With Stupid" Tee Shirts pointing to each other. If Fallon giggles even once, he is to be beaten with old VGA cables until dead. Modern Country Music in all forms would be outlawed. The Country of Iran's name be changed to "Levenstein, Gould, and Bernstein, LLP" and all women would be ordered to get breast implants and wear bikinis and all men would be forced to cover all parts of their bodies at all times with the exception of their genitalia, which would be hanging out. All women would then receive a government stipend of 10 dollars a piece for each time they publicly disparaged the size of a man's genitalia. Israel and Palestine would play a winner-take-all Donkey Kong tournament to settle the dispute over the Gaza Strip. Brian Kuh would be ordered to say 'There is a potential Donkey Kong Kill Screen if anyone is interested" every 5 minutes. All Religion would be banned except for open worship of The Beatles. The state official Church would recognize John Lennon as a deity, George Harrison as a Saint, Paul McCartney as a douche, and Ringo Starr as a footnote. The Holy Cathedral Choir will sing 4 random Beatles songs on Sundays, and then the congregation will be ordered to go home, consume alcohol and watch NFL games. After a day-filled with many strenuous activities I would then retire to my quarters and watch Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson and Kathy Bates wrestle in mud. Kathy Bates' present is necessary to prevent any unfortunate premature spillage of royal fluids before Mila, Natalie and Scarlett enter the Royal Bedroom.
Are you mad son??? Go rent Forgetting Sarah Marshall right now. Once the credits roll and you're done putting away your Jergens and throwing away the wads of kleenex, let us know why you find Mila Kunis' name on that list confusing. My guess is you would have nothing to say...
If I were King of Earth, I would smite anyone who used the wrong form of be for conditional sentences.
I would send everybody over to China except my girlfriend and me. After that, we'd strip ourselves naked and go to Beverly Center where we'd watch movies and eat Cinnabons.
???? I still want to see Kathy Bates wrestling. This is just a tad better than naked pictures of Bea Arthur.
