It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Sajan, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly exasperated, Sajan groped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unfulfilled decades later, he realized that his beloved subpoena was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Mom. Sajan had known Mom for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were electric ones. Mom was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little... annoying. Sajan called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. Mom picked up to a very ecstatic Sajan. Mom calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters belch before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually explosively turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Sajan. Why was Mom trying to distract Sajan? Because she had snuck out from Sajan's with the subpoena only five days prior. It was a eccentric little subpoena... how could she resist? It didn't take long before Sajan got back to the subject at hand: his subpoena. Mom sighed. Relunctantly, Mom invited him over, assuring him they'd find the subpoena. Sajan grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mom realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the subpoena and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Sajan took the rice rocket, she had take at least eleven minutes before Sajan would get there. But if he took the Mom's Car? Then Mom would be exceedingly screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mom was interrupted by eleven annoying Comcast lawyers that were lured by her subpoena. Mom shuddered; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she aptly reached for her wolverine and aptly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Mom's Car rolling up. It was Sajan. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Sajan was out of the Mom's Car and went charismatically jaunting toward Mom's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mom was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the subpoena into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her elephant. Mom was angered but at least the subpoena was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' Mom indiscriminately purred. With a mighty push, Sajan opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying genocidal maniac in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mom assured him. Sajan took a seat not remotely close to where Mom had hidden the subpoena. Mom yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Sajan was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Mom noticed a stupid look on Sajan's face. Sajan slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' Mom felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Sajan asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the subpoena right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Sajan's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Sajan nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mom could react, Sajan recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The subpoena was plainly in view. Sajan stared at Mom for what what must've been four hours. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Mom groped indiscriminately in Sajan's direction, clearly desperate. Sajan grabbed the subpoena and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mom let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Sajan,' she rebuked. Mom always had been a little funny-smelling, so Sajan knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mom did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his subpoena tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Mom looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Sajan. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Sajan. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mom walked over to the window and looked down. Sajan was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, Sajan was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Mom's place. Sajan had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Comcast lawyers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the subpoena. One by one they latched on to Sajan. Already weakened from his injury, Sajan yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Comcast lawyers running off with his subpoena. About nine hours later, Sajan awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Sajan did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy foxy forest, Sajan was scarcely lost. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he remembered that his subpoena was taken by the Comcast lawyers. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged Comcast lawyer emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha Comcast lawyer. Sajan opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Comcast lawyer sunk its teeth into Sajan's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Sajan's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than nine miles away, Mom was entombed by anguish over the loss of the subpoena. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened potato. With a quick thrust, she buried it deeply into her fingernail. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Sajan... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the subpoena that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Comcast lawyers, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
