Dude…this whole thread gave me chills. You could have written all of that based on my life and it couldn't have been any closer to what happened to me. Now let me say this. It happened to ME thirteen years ago. It was almost exactly how you said, and I made the choice at the time to leave the state and transfer to another college to get away and make my clean break. Mine was made even more complicated by the fact that she was my sister's best friend, and we had basically grown up together. Let me only say this, if your situation CONTINUES to play out like mine did - I got married, to someone else, almost four years later. Present day: Still married, three children, very happy. And I don't know if THIS will make you feel better but I got back in contact with that particular ex last year. She did stay with the guy in my case. They got married, had two kids. Then he cheated on her, multiple times. Then when she got back in contact with me, she hit on me. The whole "made a mistake" talk, "should have stayed with" me, etc. I will tell you this. It may be wrong, whatever. But I never felt so vindicated, so AMAZING than I did when I turned her down flat. I didn't tell her "I told you so". But……I told her so. So guess what? It's gonna SUCK. The year after we split, I was a shell of myself. But now? Down the road? I'm SO glad and so grateful that I dodged that bullet. I have a wife who's never given me the slightest reason to not trust her, and we're celebrating our tenth anniversary in February. If you're the type of guy you seem to be, the future is bright. There are women who will treat you that way, and the girl you THINK is your soulmate now will fade into your memory. Look forward, not backward. You'll be fine.
It's possible it's a mistake in judgement or whatever, but I just don't see it that way since she did it more than once, has a history with seeing this guy before knowing his advances and has spent a month or more constantly texting the guy even with you around. IMO, she not only knows what she is doing but probably had no intention to stop seeing the guy. It's also possible ties have been cut, but I would guarantee that it was him, not her, doing the dumping and, because of that, NOW she "realizes what she could lose." If you choose to believe that things are over between the two of them, that's your choice. BUT, she has given you no reason to trust her for a VERY long time and thus you have every excuse to snoop or do whatever to see that things are indeed that way.
I hear you and it makes total sense. Trust me, she hates the fact that everyone is viewing her as that type of person and I guess she'll do anything to not be that person or at least convince herself she isn't.
Trini, Reading this thread is getting me pissed off for you. you need to take everyones advice and end it for good. dont think about getting back w/ her. its not worth your time. all her friends and your friends now know she is d-d-durty-durty. she only feels bad bc now she's going to have to find a whole new set of friends. hang in there bro. everyone is pulling for you.
she will most likely stay in contact with the guy so it's your best interest to leave her for good...there are MILLION of girls out there so time to spread your wings, you'll be 30 in no time so time to party and get chicks. You're still young!! good luck!
After 7 years, she's not thinking of "how good she has it." You know why? 'cause after 7 years, people develop a relationship similar to that of a firend or a sibling. No, she won't think about "how good she has it" until she's sitting around her home, drunk and lonely (IF she has any conscious or any remorse at all - most chicks nowadays don't). It was not "a moment of weakness" That's not what it was at all It was her NOT breaking communication with another man when you specifically asked her to after it was historically evident to be damaging to your relationship. It was her REPEATED communication with him. It was her AFFECTIONATE communication with him repeatedly. It was her LYING to you to cover it up. It was her choosing to have sex with him. It was her continuing to foster her relationship with him after that. It was her choosing to have sex with him AGAIN. It was her STILL continuing to foster her affectionate feelings to him and lying about it. And it was only when you busted her in her lying taht she realized that she can't continue to lie to you. No, no. This is not a "I gut drunk and screwed some guy once at a party" situation. Chicks flock to a guy who treats them poorly. Whether he hurt her or not, she's gonna stay in contact with him. In fact, I bet you money she's contacting him daily. She's contacted him today, and will tomorrow. They have a relationship. It's growing. And, of course he doesn't care if she told you. He doesn't care about you. And he doesn't care if she says that she wants to cut ties with him, 'cause he knows she won't. She didn't long ago. She didn't recently, and she's not going to now. Again, this is not a "I gut drunk and screwed some guy once at a party" situation. That's a "mistake". No, this was not a one-time emotional occurrance. This was affectionate. This was repeated. This was deliberate. This was frequent communication over months, and this was lying to cover it up. The two mothers like each other and like you two as a couple and don't like the idea of it ending, especially not this way. They want to believe that this is just a "mistake". It isn't. No, no - don't give her credit. When you started busting her in her lies is when she ended up telling you the truth. Only after she started getting busted did it occur to her that she was going to have to confess. She's been lying to you for months and if you hadn't busted her in her lies, she would still be lying to you right now while still seeing that other guy and she would not have confessed!! No - NO CREDIT FOR HER! So, she calls him up to tell him that she's not going to call any more. And she texts to tell him that she's not going to text any more. And she answers his call to tell him that she's not going to answer his calls any more. Don't believe that garbage. Ya know how you break it off with someone? You don't call. You don't text. You don't respond when they try to contact you. She's not doing that. And, again, if you hadn't have busted her lies, she'd still be calling him, texting him, kissing him, screwing him, and coming back for more, while continuing to lie to you. Another reason to not believe that BS: She said that, that night, she was trying to break ties with him. Is that what she meant when she said to him, "I wanna kiss you now" ? More lies. And I bet you a bazillion bucks she's slept with him more than twice. This is something that's been going on for months.
With regards to the mistake thing, I was saying the same thing. It's not a mistake it it's going on for a month. As you said, it's not a one time I was drunk deal. She had multiple times to check what was happening before things got as far as they did. Everything else was spot on as well. The only thing is, he said "I wanna kiss you" not the other way around.
Very good point. Didn't even think about that. The reason for her being so emotional about all of this is probably because that other guy dumped her and now she may end up (gasp!) ALONE. Oh, the HORROR!! Trini, don't settle for being her backup plan.
She knew exactly what she was doing... for a long time... had lots of time to sleep on it... had lots of opportunities to break it off.... never did.
I'm going to have to agree with everyone else. I am generally a very forgiving person, but if my boyfriend ever cheated on me with another girl, I would slap him so hard, cry my eyes out, and never look back. There is NEVER, EVER a valid excuse for cheating, even a supposed "moment of weakness." And I tend to agree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" sentiment. I personally have a hard time trusting people (though I have never been cheated on to my knowledge), so if someone cheated on me, it would be very difficult for me to ever let him back him. It would forever be in the back of my mind. What's to stop him from doing it again? The other thing, as many have already pointed out, is that she lied to you! Repeatedly! She may have lied out of guilt, but even so, if the same situation happens again, what's to stop her from lying in that situation? She knows she hurt you. She knows that if she ever did it again, she would lose you forever. This gives her even more on an incentive to hide it. Not only that, but she (assuming that she's smart) will learn from her "mistake," and she'll know how to better handle it in the future. I'm all about giving someone the benefit of the doubt, EXCEPT in this situation. I think cheaters are scumbags. Period. You guys have been together for a long time, so it's going to be hard. You're right--You're all you've ever known, and that's part of the problem. But when it comes to that point, that's when you need to break it off. You both have minimal experience that solely stems from the other... That tends to not hold up in the long-term. It leads to resentment, animosity, and... in your situation, cheating! She may have realized that K isn't what she wants, but she should have broken it off before it ever got to that point. I don't know. I just really don't have sympathy for someone who cheats on his or her SO. I don't have the best judgment in the world, but I would never let something escalate to that point. And if I did, I would hate myself for it.
Why is everyone saying she should've stopped speaking to the guy? Breaking off the communication doesn't change her INTENTION. The intention to get closer to the guy was there. If she had cut communication but spent her entire life thinking "I should have done that", would you be happy? No, the last thing you want is for her to be trapped. Here are the facts: She saw something she liked. She weighed it against what she had. She knew that getting caught would end what she had. So after this analysis, she chose to try to have both (place what she already HAD at risk). She failed. The fact that she failed is insignificant. The really concerning thing is that during her analysis, her conclusion was "Yes, it's a risk worth taking." Now, think about whatshe thought was the MAXIMUM reward she'd get from taking that risk... She liked the risk-reward ratio. What I'm getting at is that her stupid actions are superceded by the fact that she weighed your 7 year relationship against a shot in the dark, and chose to put the 7 year relationship at risk rather than NOT taking a shot with the other guy. Think about how much she valued your relationship at that point. She absolutely values it mroe now, no doubt about that, because she has seen the results. But think about how you viewed the relationship while she was thinking all this. More importantly, you're well within your right (especially at your age) to conduct your own "experiment" and then make a decision about her. Tell her she can hang on while you test the market. Since she's so sure now, she doesn't need to test the waters. Tell her you're going to date a few people and get back to her on how you feel about the relationship. Be rational and logical (which is exactly what she was) and genuinely test the market. You'll find that there are women out there who will have faith in you without having to sleep with the guy who crosses their mind.
Wow...what a story...Sorry to hear bout' that dude...You know, girls, and guys too, are always looking for the next best deal...It's a shame... She loves you, may still love you, but she wants more...She'll realize one day she f'd up and you'll be happier because of it...Keep your chin up...
You know what, Trini. Feel somewhat blessed her friends and maybe family sees this crap and looks down on her for it. In my case, her friends and family believed all her bull sh** and actually made her feel validated for what she was doing. In fact, her mom was right on the front lines doing whatever she could to destroy our marriage and my son's family and was more than OK she was carrying on with another man, a married man none-the-less.
good thing you found it out what a skank she is now and not after you were married. Seriously, this girl has some major problems and this is only the tip of the iceberg. the real question is when are you going to sleep with her sister?
dude, i dont usually hang out in this forum, but sorry to hear about that BS. I was talking to a girl too but red flags popped up everywhere, I hit it my first night with her, which was a good thing but also a red flag. I could imagine this chick doing that to me if I was a sucker and fell for her...keep your head up dude...i can't imagine how tough that is being together for 8 years, but for me, meeting other women (especially ones hotter than your ex) will get you over it quick.
man the ultimate revenge would be to hook up w/ her sister and get married and live happily ever after. then she would witness, first hand, everything she would have had w/ you.
I think that's the road I'm heading down. She says she's willing to do anything to get me back so I guess she can hold on while I see what's out there. Let's see how long that lasts.
To be honest, I don't really think everyone is looking down on her that much if at all. From what I gather all her friends (and even her mom) are basically saying it was a mistakes and stuff like this happens. Now that doesn't mean she doesn't feel crappy because she thinks everyone is looking at her like that. But they can't see why I can't give her another chance. The scary thing is these are all women so it's making me feel that they all have done something similar.
