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How to Not End a Relationship

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by chrisjent, Nov 28, 2007.

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  1. chrisjent

    chrisjent Member

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    From the be happy it's not you files.

    We went out for six years. Lived together five. Moved to three different cities across the US. Made it through my grad school years and 18 months of unemployment. Two weeks after my 30th birthday she goes to her 10 year reunion (Oct '06)...I tell her it's best she goes and have a good time on her own, I stay home.

    Fast forward five months (Feb. '07). She leaves our home for a 'break' and then 'ends' things a few weeks later. Wants her independence, to live alone, find herself. Fast forward three months (May '07). I find out she hooked up with a guy at the aforementioned ten year reunion. They had kept in contact and fallen for each other since. Both emotional and physical betrayal. Kept a secret that long. Both of us under our shared roof most of the time.

    Fast forward four months (Sept '07). We sign a contract that I'll pay the mortgage on my own until the end of the year. She's going to get a place of her own, but has every intention of returning after finding whatever it was she was looking for. We try to construct a plan to work on us and 'rewrite the script' as she says. She is 'falling back in love.' The other man moves across the country...in a stroke of horrible luck, only an hour from my ex's family. I ask her not to see him on her lengthy trip prior to the start of the school year (she's a teacher). She returns. The first thing I hear is that she saw him. I tell her that I won't talk to her unless she cuts that off.

    Fast forward six months (Nov '07). Nine months of limbo, deciding if she was going to give us a try. I'm working my butt off to make corrections that occured prior to the breakup, communication, commitment, emotional availability, etc. She's the one that blew it all up, yet she's the one who makes little to no effort. She says we're the most important thing, that she plans on coming back, and does nothing. With the end of the year approaching I initiate contact again. We have good conversations. We are physical for the first time since July. Her apartment is largely unpacked since her initial move. I ask if she's thinking of coming back...she says yes, she's thinking that way. Good thanksgiving conversation. Return home on Sunday, ask to see her. She agrees since she has to bring electric bill. Mentions a card. It's a 'dear john' letter. Says she's not coming back to us, cannot and will not open her heart back up to me, will not return to the home --- that it should be sold. All this in the course of a week.

    Follow up yesterday. Thinks we should no longer talk. Ironically, that's the one thing I asked of her for months, no contact with the affair partner. All books on the subject agree that no contact with the other man is necessary for the wayward partner to view the situation with a clear mind. She wouldn't do that, but instead will cut off contact with me. Ask to see her last night. When I arrive she is there with a friend. The friend does not excuse herself. Ex says if I have something to say about the relationship can do so in front of friend. Wow.

    This is only the half of it. Moral, if they cheat, they must show instant remorse...otherwise you are at risk of spending months fighting a pod person who in no way resembles the partner you know and love.
     
    #1 chrisjent, Nov 28, 2007
  2. MadMax

    MadMax Contributing Member

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    Man, i'm so sorry.
     
    #2 MadMax, Nov 28, 2007
  3. hotballa

    hotballa Contributing Member

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    damn...that's all I can say.

    I can only suggest that you take some time away from chicks..go work out...reconnect with old friends..goto church...invest in some time for yourself, obviously this one did a real number on you.
     
    #3 hotballa, Nov 28, 2007
  4. bladeage

    bladeage Contributing Member

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    no.. the moral is, if someone cheats, they cannot be trusted and must be disposed of immediately.

    And speaking of a pod person.....
    [​IMG]

    you guys should really check it out, it is beyond hilarious!
     
    #4 bladeage, Nov 28, 2007
  5. Roxfan73

    Roxfan73 Rookie

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    You think you know someone....and then BAM! Women are too damn good at hiding stuff.

    And BTW, how did you find out about the reunion affair?
     
    #5 Roxfan73, Nov 28, 2007
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2007
  6. ima_drummer2k

    ima_drummer2k Contributing Member

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    Yeah, "I have to go find myself" actually translates into "I want to go **** someone else."

    Sorry man, but I would have left her forever the minute she admitted about the hs reunion. One strike and you're out.
     
    #6 ima_drummer2k, Nov 28, 2007
  7. Manny Ramirez

    Manny Ramirez The Music Man

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    Dude, I'm sorry for you. I hope that you didn't do something foolish like agree to pay her mortgage or something like that. I remember some poster on here had gotten with a girl and agreed to get a mortgage loan. She moves in with him and after a month of living together, breaks up with him. Yet she wanted to stay in the house AND have him pay the monthly mortgage!! :eek: :eek:
     
    #7 Manny Ramirez, Nov 28, 2007
  8. AroundTheWorld

    AroundTheWorld Insufferable 98er
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    Sorry man. Sounds like you deserve better. Hope you'll find it.
     
    #8 AroundTheWorld, Nov 28, 2007
  9. macalu

    macalu Contributing Member

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    look at the bright side, you aren't married.
     
    #9 macalu, Nov 28, 2007
  10. WildSweet&Cool

    WildSweet&Cool Member

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    Can't tell you how sorry I am to hear it, dude. If I'd have known about your situation sooner, I would have told you to get the hell out of that relationship (I was thinking that as I was reading the second paragraph of your post).
     
    #10 WildSweet&Cool, Nov 28, 2007
  11. Xerobull

    Xerobull You son of a b!tch! I'm in!

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    Absolutely..You're better off without someone like that.
     
    #11 Xerobull, Nov 28, 2007
  12. macalu

    macalu Contributing Member

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    that would go great in my "something everyone should know but doesn't" thread.
     
    #12 macalu, Nov 28, 2007
  13. Manny Ramirez

    Manny Ramirez The Music Man

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    For some reason, I am thinking it was cwebbster that had that happen to him but I could be mistaken (I know he was in a long relationship with a girl that ended badly for him).
     
    #13 Manny Ramirez, Nov 28, 2007
  14. ClutchCityReturns

    ClutchCityReturns Contributing Member

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    Perfectly worded. It's just about the worst feeling you can have in a relationship.

    Keep your head up, man. It will get better eventually.
     
    #14 ClutchCityReturns, Nov 28, 2007
  15. Surfguy

    Surfguy Contributing Member

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    No offense...but I think your ex is a total b*tch and absolute trash for stringing you along like that.
     
    #15 Surfguy, Nov 28, 2007
  16. been_exed

    been_exed Member

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    well at least u learned the hardest lesson of all and that is learning when to cut ur losses and walk away.
     
    #16 been_exed, Nov 28, 2007
  17. Drexlerfan22

    Drexlerfan22 Contributing Member

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    Soooo been there. Fortunately it was a shortened version, though.

    It's amazing to me that people in relationships can just be completely contradictory between what they say and what they do. My ex-fiancee said she loved me and would never cheat on me... then she cheated on me. She said she still cared about me... then never once contacted me at all, to see if I was okay or anything. I requested but one thing of her: tell me the truth about everything. She lied, and lied, and lied some more.

    At some point I said something along these lines: "if a guy walked up to you and said he loved cats, then proceeded to pull out a gun and kill your three cats, what would you believe: what he said or what he did?"

    She hasn't been too keen on talking to me since then. Fine by me.

    I also simply don't understand people who cheat, because it's just not something I can conceive of doing. I value my honor above nearly everything, and could not live with myself if I did that. The short-term "payoff" just isn't worth losing respect for myself. My best guess is that people do it because they don't have enough self-esteem or self-respect, and/or simply consider the feelings of others completely immaterial (i.e., they are childish).

    One thing I sure did learn from my experience: even someone you love deeply has their flaws, and sometimes you only don't see them because you don't want to, or you discount their importance. I could see even before the s*** hit the fan that my ex was selfish... but I figured it'd get better. Plus I thought she was kind and thoughtful. Thinking back, I can't think of one example in two years when she was either of those things. Those characteristics were simply projections of what I wanted her to be; they weren't really her. Think enough on it, and I believe you'll realize some of the same things, and then it'll get better.

    My deepest condolences.
     
    #17 Drexlerfan22, Nov 28, 2007
  18. DonkeyMagic

    DonkeyMagic Contributing Member
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    true. he is also a tool for letting himself get strung along like that. Sorry to say, but man up! B*itch did you wrong like that and you still want to be with here?! :eek:

    cut the cord and fly little birdy, it's whats best
     
    #18 DonkeyMagic, Nov 28, 2007
  19. rrj_gamz

    rrj_gamz Contributing Member

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    Wow...Sorry to hear about that bro...I know it sucks right now and has sucked, but in time, you'll find that this was the best thing that could have happened to you...

    You'll see, you'll find someone that is better for you and after going through this, you'll be better equipped for them...

    Good Luck...

    P.S. Now you can start banging random chicks...;) I keed...or do it?hmmm...
     
    #19 rrj_gamz, Nov 28, 2007
  20. Davidoff

    Davidoff Contributing Member

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    Damn CJ that's a rough story, sorry to hear it.. Look on the bright side, she had problems and you wont have to deal with them now.. Be glad you have a fresh start and you didn't waste anymore of your time with her, this could only be worse if you two were married.. It may feel like the end of your world, but it's not, just keep on pushing and you'll be a stronger person for it..
     
    #20 Davidoff, Nov 28, 2007
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