How Do You Let Somebody Know Something Negative About Themselves?

I have people close to me that will explode with defensiveness at the slightest mention of a criticsm. With work people it is much easier-but diplomacy is the best policy. Privacy and respect are the rules here.

My son has issues with anger, alchohol and drugs, and simply getting along with people. He treats women really bad- verbal abuse- no Physical violence I know of. He is lonely and depressed and refuses to go wit hme for professional counseling.TAlking to him is like working on a bomb squad. He is so self destructive.

anyway - I try my best to be very respectful and private with our talks. I let him know I am on his side and worry about him-but I will not be his enabler. I have been talking to him for weeks about getting into AA or NA, or some kind of alchohol-drug program. He has deeper issues with anger and depression, but I have talked to him about his life being easier without alchohol.

We talk almost every day, and I realize this approach is not working-but I do not know if I can do an intervention. I have to keep that line of communication open. Many in my family say I baby him. Probalby true- I just do not know the right thing to do.

He is 27 years old now.....This is going to be World War III I fear....This is breaking his mother's heart.

Anyway with most people diplomacy and respect work well.

 

There is al-anon, AA for family members. They can provide a level of experience and support that you might need. I mean no disrespect, but addicts can be dirty liars with no loyalties to get what they want. Addiction is classified as a disease. It's hard for someone to will out a cure by himself.

I hope the best for your family and son, Tbar.

 

Never tell a woman she's fat in any way shape or form. If she needs to work out, never tell her let's go to the gym. Do not be subtle. They will know and figure you out. Just accept or run away. You don't have a choice.

It's best to either be super direct or super subtle - but never try to go inbetween. You'll be resented for sure. You may piss someone off for being Direct, but you will be respected. You may never piss someone off or help someone by being subtle, but you will save yourself grief.

And if you do something in between, you will just confuse the person and they may think you are mocking them.

So if someone is stinky - tell them to take a shower or couch them. Geez, i forgot to put on my deoderant today - hate when that happens, god i stink (message really intened for them but you do it in a disarming way).

See?

 

So basically no passive-aggressive "need to read me correctly" female tactics

 

I think you are right-Al - Anon will be helpful to my wife and Myself. You are right- addicts will lie and manipulate to get their way-there is no loyalty there. I do not think this gets resolved with him by himself doing it. He needs help.

Thanks Invisible Fan...

 

Anonymously.

 

Show him this post........

DD

 

Thanks DaDakota

 

All I gotta say is, I hate it when I unintentionally do something bad and someone takes that as an opportunity to embarass me by announcing it to the public and then cover it up with " I was just looking out for you "

If they were just looking out for me, they could've put me aside and told me, not wait until the worst possible moment, with all my closest friends or even strangers, and do it. That's just a way to make their ego look good. I have a cousin that has a nasty habit of doing this to people, then has the gall for saying " I'm just looking out for you. It's not about me "

Sure, whatever.

So that's why you never embarass someone. I believe in veing direct, but also with respect to the individual...unless you completely hate that individual, but even then, if you really hate that individual why tell them what's wrong with them? Why not let them keep doing what they're doing so that person can keep making an ass out of themselves? I never understood the point of being direct to someone in public except to make one's ego look good.

 

Post a personal ad on craigslist about them, and claim you didn't by using this BBS as your alibi when they find out... and IM them a lot, then paste it here.

 

The ironing is delicious.

 

you don't tell somebody something negative about themselves. you just hope someone else says it for you.

 

If you mean Irony-OK. I do not talk in front of his freinds or family. No one here knows him or me.

You are right - I should not have brought that up in this forum-but something here hit a nerve. There are people here that know people with these issues. This is more anonymous to me that standing up at an Al-Anon meeting in my home town and telling my concerns.

Do not worry Stupid Moniker- not your problem.

 

this is kind of a lesser degree than BO or addiction, but I HATE when people don't tell me my fly is open or i've got eye booger. instead, they just let me go on my way so i can embarrass myself further to other people. i would appreciate it if they would just pull me to the side and say, "hey man, don't feel embarrassed but your fly's undone."

 

Most of the times, I tell people what I don't like or think is wrong. I don't really believe in being political or telling them in a nice way. If I tell them in a nice way, they'll shrug it off. In other words, I'm as blunt and straight forward as they come. I guess this would explain why I don't have many friends these days.

I'm not a religious person, but I started watching Joel Olsteen and alot of the stuff he preaches about makes alot of sense. He talked about how people that are negative brings out the negativity in other people. He also talked about how people have to walk around on egg shells around certain people because their so sensitive about the truth.

If your afraid to lose a friend over telling them the truth, they weren't a real friend to begin with.

That's a good point. Truth.

 

Lil Pun, what exactly IS wrong with the person in question? Perhaps we can offer some suggestions on how to approach it, since every situation is different.

I'd find that if the person trusts me, I can bring up something lightly up to them. If that other person doesn't trust me, I first gain their trust, and then it can be easier to tell them. Don't use the "with all due respect" colloquialism or the "I don't mean to be rude, but" idiom. YOU ARE BEING RUDE. It's just that there is no easy way to do that.

TBar, take a vacation with your son. Take some time off from work and take a road trip. Have fun and don't ever remind him about that problem. Let him be away from trying to do things you don't like for him to do. Hope it works out, bud.

 

Thanks Swoly-D- point well taken.

 

Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment (John 7:24)

 

Judge Reinhold.