Got hit with the marriage ultimatum... deadline coming up soon

Post #3. Well done, sir.

 

okay, I hardly ever post in these threads, but i think the person you need to let down easy is your mom because this sounds like it may always be an issue.

 

This is actually a GREAT point to make. You need to realize that when you marry someone, that person becomes #1 in your life (until kids come along). You have chosen that person as your life-partner, which is a bit different than the genetic happenstance of blood-relations. That choice means all the difference in the world. It's something you commit to, body, soul and mind. Yes, it can be hard (especially for the parent: after all, you may still be #1 in their hearts/minds, but they've slipped to #2 in yours), but it's necessary for the family dynamic to work.

Your role in all this is to be an advocate to each for the other. Tell your mom that girlfriend is your choice for a life-partner and that she needs to get over any issues that she may have or risk jeopardizing her relationship with her son. Tell your girlfriend that, while you will expect your mother to respect the boundries of the relationship (which, I'm sorry to say, she did overstep by showing up unexpectedly), your mom is still a very important part of your life and will be your life together. All three of you need to recoginze and accept this. If you aren't ready for that, let the girlfriend go.

I generally agree that once it reaches the "get-married-or-I-walk" phase, it's pretty much too late, though I have seen some cases where it's worked out.

 

You have to lay ground rules with parents and in-laws. (actually ANYONE..including the G.F.)

Rule #1
No pop-ins...You call first. No EXCEPTIONS
Rule #2
Calling first doesn't necessarily get you access.

Luckily my wife shares my views on this so there is no friction.

 

No kidding. It's time to cut the freaking cord with Mommy. I love my Mom but I don't want to see her even every week. I've never understood people that have this unnatural closeness with their parents.

I have a buddy of mine (32 years old) that can't do anything without his Mommy. The dude is married with 2 kids and he spends more time with his mother than anyone else. I don't even know why I call him my buddy, I don't even like him because of what a complete p***y he is.

I'll give you an example. We have a pretty big group of friends and we all went on a cruise for one of their birthdays. When the subject came up, the Mom didn't want to go with her husband, she wanted to go with her son and he said the same thing about going with his mom instead of going with his wife. WTF???? Holy ****ing weird Batman!

One of our mutual friends said that it is psychological incest.

 

It is appreciated, I've told my friends and relatives, that they tell me when they're coming by ahead of time, so I don't plan stuff.

Once I stopped UNEXPECTEDLY by my mom's house. NEVER will I do that again. Let's just say you CAN be traumatized as an adult from "things" you see.

1. She can't be all b*tchy about someone unexpectedly showing up, but at the same time, she can explain it to you appropriately without throwing a fit.
2. When women start REQUESTING that you make a REQUEST ("FINE. Will you marry me?") that will not be coming straight from you, it's time to leave Dodge.
3. I have plenty of single enemies. Post that chick's number once you leave her NEEDY *ss.

I noticed at no point in your posts you have mentioned you LOVE HER. This is definitely a bad sign. If you don't leave her, your life will be miserable.

Also, if you don't leave her, please post pictures of the Pay-Per-View-worthy boxing fights between you and her (and maybe you as a referee between her and your mom) in the future.

p.s. Stop being a momma's boy bumming off her food. I like my mom's food, too, but once Mrs. SwoLy made me HER own food, I was in heaven, sir.

 

Awesome!

it seems fairly obvious in your post that you don't want to marry her. If you are still skeptical after two years well, what does that tell you?

move on.

 

Oh, just marry her. It's not that bad. Besides, once you start having kids, and the older one keeps peeing in his pants and throwing food on the floor, and the younger one wakes up every hour of the night, she'll want your mother around to keep her from tying the kids up in a burlap sack and throwing them in the pond.

 

Man, having kids sounds so fun.

 

Great post. I'm in agreeance.
Also Juan Valdez makes a good point.

 

Dude, run for your life. Seriously. GTFO.

 

I would say a Friday night in which you have plans with your girlfriend, it should be GF #1, Mom #2 as far as who you will be spending time with that night. Upset may be harsh. I should have said bothered.

I would generally put whoever I have plans with over someone that just dropped by.

 

"I'm not there yet, career-wise, that I wanted to get my parents approval first (my mother is still wary of her after what she did), etc. She doesn't care. I always wanted to solve our issues before deciding to commit myself further."

Uh, Dude?

 

Like someone said, the girl will always feel some competition with the mother in law but it's how they deal with it. I wouldn't throw a fit if my fiance's mom unexpectedly stop by but I never deal with it because she usually calls first to ask if it was ok. However sometimes, he can't say no to his parents if they ask him to do something for them. Our biggest issue was he would always leave to their ranch every Sunday but now it's fine because we live together. He needs to go away and spend time without me.

If you think you can't live without her, then do it. "You gotta marry me or else" is kind of unnerving.

 

I agree. I did and have been married for 3 years.

Anyway, I think if you marry this girl you wont be able to have the relationship with your mom that you want. Being a mama's boy is annoying, but it sounds like your girl is a little crazy over it. I'd tell her to be nicer and try to improve her relationship with your mom or you will never put a ring on her jealous finger. That's just me.

 

agreed.

once you're married, the wife has to be #1 in your life. time to cut the cord with mom.

 

If she can't accept your mother, she ain't the one.

 

They're a blessing.

Seriously, if kids are a consideration, they'll make all the rest of this drama look very trivial.

 

Several people have already hit the nail on the head:

1. dump the girlfriend

2. cut the apron strings