Best post in this entire thread. I'll add that not only is the "oh well you didn't ask" defense juvenile, but it is also self-centered.
That is a big issue in most failing relationships. The idea that "I didn't think I needed to tell her/him,". You need to communicate, period. If you are at a point that you think things should be exclusive, you need to say it. If not you are on two different pages the entire time. Assuming that she feels the same is a blueprint for failure. You can't go on assumptions. I just hear about men and women who don't want to have those kind of conversations so they avoid them and just assume and then get all upset when their assumptions are wrong.
Don't disagree. Communications is the foundation. I got 11 (going soon on 12) great years to show for it. All I'm saying, and Raven said it a lot better, is if any assumption is made you want to err on the side that doesn't possibly hurt the other person. The other person will never be hurt if you DON'T sleep with other people. There is a very good likelihood they would be hurt if you DID.
You know, this may just be crazy enough to work! Just use the following script if you want to communicate to your girl that you want to be exclusive: "We're no strangers to love, You know the rules and so do I, A full commitments what I'm thinking of, You wouldn't get this from any other guy."
It would be nice if the language being used in the discussion rose above the middle school level, in my opinion, although I thought I detected a hint of sarcasm there, which would be put to good use! Whatever happened to a person's private life remaining private? Why should there be an expectation from one party or the other to "confess" or reveal any relationships that person has, when there is no avowal of exclusitivity between them? Do people seriously believe that we should all lay before all others our private lives? I know that is what many of us do here, at least in part, but it is done under an assumed name. That privacy innate in the BBS that allows discussions like this. If a member choses to lift the veil of anonymity here, then that is their choice, but the vast majority of us here do not take that liberty. People don't have this "talk," in my opinion, because it is personal, and unless the pair have declared an exclusive relationship, then what they do outside of their own relations with one another should remain their own business. I disagree. What produces the reluctance to talk about something that happened before the beginning of their agreed upon exclusive relationship, in my opinion, is the discovery of deep feelings for the OP. Deep feelings that didn't exist, or were not realized, when the relations with others occured. This, I agree with!
In 1960 . . . your mentality is ok in 2009 . . . where the wrong kind of sex/sex partner can kill you yes. . their is a expectation of some knowledge about a person's previous sex partners Rocket River
There is more controversy in this thread,than in the "israel's insanity" one. I'm not familiar with the rules of engagement in sex life.=/ I've dropped bombs, and i've been bombarded into submission. All I know is.... that if it bothers the OP, then he should dismiss her asap.
If we're still talking about the OP (we are we still talking about the OP, right?) then I would assume that you would treat someone you've been dating for 3 months a little different than a total stranger. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just assume that if you're dating someone for 3 months, you shouldn't really NEED to have an "avowal of exclusitivity" to make it clear that you shouldn't be banging anyone else. It would just sort of be implied. If my wife would have been banging someone else after we had been dating for 3 months and told me "well, it's none of your business!" I think it's safe to say she would not be my wife right now. And believe me, she would say the same thing about me. Believe me! I guess it all goes to what kind of relationship the OP is in. If it's someone he cares about and assumes cares about him, he should have a problem. If it's just 2 people who are horny for eachother and he's just looking for a warm place to put it, well, anything goes I guess.
that's pretty much the point of being in a relationship...heck, it may even be one of those defining characteristics. you tell the other party things about you, private things, etc. there's all kinds of comparisons you can come up with, none of them direct apples to apples but close enough. You wouldn't just start spending the other parties money on stuff for yourself without specifically sitting down and talking about it first. You wouldn't torpedo the significant other's job (by going in and chewing out their boss or something similar) because you think your girlfriend/boyfriend shouldn't work and should be taken care of by you alone without sitting down and talking about it first, would you? No, all these things are, in most instances, harmful to the partner in the relationship and only beneficial to you. Same with sleeping around. The impetus shouldn't be on the other party to say "we're exclusive", it should be on you to say "we aren't". That's what makes a "relationship" a relationship. The OP's question seems to be "we're we in a relationship?" From my understanding, certainly in his mind, they were. He has set up a clock in his mind. Time 0 represents the start of the relationship. Month 3 represents when {x} happened, month 5 represents when {y} happened. except for when what they do outside of that relationship does impact that relationship. sleeping with other people most certainly does, from emotionally to physically. Again, the OP in this case has clearly defined it as a relationship. He wasn't "dating" - you know, on his 3rd or 4th date but clearly not in a relationship. They were together. At that point your business typically is their business...AND, even if you still think it isn't, certainly any of your business that impacts them, especially as much as continuing to have sex with other people, definitely is their business. I keep coming back to this, BUT, if the argument - as yours and others seem to be - that this isn't a big deal, then why didn't she tell him about it earlier? If she didn't have those deep feelings for the OP, and it's not a big deal, then it's not a big deal...why did it take so long after for him to find out. The only fall back excuse for that is the tired "none of their business" type excuses. At a minimum, they were at least in a friendship at that point - typically you'd discuss stuff like that with your friends. I mean, c'mon, it's not like this was slipping her mind. That she woke up the next week and had completely forgotten about it. Surely, the next day he asked her what she did last night. Whether in a "relationship", friendship, whatever, they were together, sharing things about themselves with the other person, etc. Regardless of the depths of her feelings for the OP at the time this happened, she didn't tell him till later because she was hiding it from him. She put effort into not telling him. There wasn't a magic moment a few weeks ago where she all of a sudden decided she had deep feelings for the OP and had to tell him. She ran / was about to run into the guy at a party. Please...I'm having trouble grasping what you're saying because you keep changing your mind. If you go into every relationship with an open mind, open communication and let the other party know that you aren't going to be faithful in the relationship until you jointly decide to be, then great. Good for you. I don't know why we're arguing then. But it doesn't seem to be the case. Why question your moral fiber and be judgmental, anyway? Not trying to be rude, though certainly understand it comes off as condescending, BUT I live in this world/country, too. My friends do. My sisters do. My daughter one day will. I've seen the hurt and damage that can come out of infidelity...unfaithfullness. I find it despicable. I find hiding behind some arbitrary assumption of "lack of mutual exclusivity" laughable at best. If that's not what you do, then good! If it is, then I'm sorry for you, and the other party in your relationship. To the OP, again, in my opinion only, you've described what seems to have been, at least in your mind, a definite relationship. You weren't dating, you were together. Your girlfriend seems to think it an issue worth coming clean on. In her mind, it's not a flippant thing that she either would have told you about already or just forgotten about and not told you about at all. Can you get past it? Sure, perhaps...you should certainly try. That's up to you, and shouldn't be made spur of the moment or based on this thread.
What type of knowledge is expected? I think all that should be required is whether or not you have an STD, but that really doesn't relate as much to your previous sexual partners as it does to your own health.
In regards to the OP, this is what I think happened. She's doesn't want to lose the relationship over it. In respect to what she did... I ain't down with it. If you're one-night standing then that's how it goes, but in this case, there was commitment there even if it wasn't written on a piece of paper and signed in blood by both parties.
In regards to the OP, I pretty much feel the same way. The examples are few and far between where there wouldn't be at least an implied exclusivity between two people if you were dating and having sex for 3 months. I've been trying to see things from both sides of the argument though since we haven't gotten more information from the OP.
