Cause its none of their business? Cause they didn't ask and assumed instead? All kinds of reasons. Until it is expressed that I am in an exclusive relationship, I act as if the other person is doing everything their own free will desires, including sleeping with other people, to expect otherwise is to set yourself up for letdown.
Or look into one of those needs to be more popularized Kirilenko arrangements. So the relationship doesnt "flop"
besides the fact that your responses are obvious justifications to yourself, why don't you just try telling them beforehand now, just to mix it up? None of their business, didn't ask and assumed, etc. None of those are any major deals. so try it out, start telling them. see how it works. "I'm pretty sure this is none of your business and you didn't ask, but I think you should know..." Consider it an experiment. LOL You're responses are hilarious. It's so obvious as to why it isn't expressed its laughable. But I guess I'm stuck in the stone ages. bingo.
Actually that's how I conduct all my relationships, open communication about expectations, it works beautifully, and I couldn't be happier. Thanks though.
so now you do tell them? ok... point being, whether you or anyone else, if it isn't exclusive because you haven't specifically discussed that, then make your life easier by going into every relationship with the open communication (which you say you have, which is great), and let everyone know upfront about your intentions. there's only one reason not to do this, and that would be to keep a relationship going by not telling the other party what you're doing (because it otherwise would end the relationship), while still seeing/sleeping with other people. in this case, it doesn't seem to matter whether exclusivity was openly discussed, because the girl herself effectively admitted she knows what she did was wrong by only being forced into exposing her secret once she knew it would get out. if it truly isn't a big deal (to her, at least), you would know about it already.
I tell them what is expected. If it is expressed that I am expected to tell them what I'm doing with my dingaling, then fine, but only if its part of the agreement, or if I willingly want to disclose that. I do not *assume* anything, because as I said, that is laying the groundwork for epic fail.
Z, I think you're confusing open communication about expectations/rules with open communication about -everything-, which is not an immediate requirement.
That's fine. That's communication. The point being made here by most in this thread, however, is not that there should never be multiple partners at one time as you seem to think (based on your 1950s comment), but simply that if there HAD been no communication stating expectations, and there was no firm ground by either side establishing exclusivity, then the girl in that relationship AT LEAST owed the guy a conversation discussing it before she slept with some guy. The fact that she hid it from him for over a year seems to indicate she is of the same opinion, and was ashamed of her actions.
or it could be she wasn't aware that pezmonger wanted it to be that serious and knew that telling him could hurt him to the point where he wanted to end it, even though she felt at the time that she was doing nothing wrong.
I'm just of the opinion that open communication about expectations/rules should and does include what you do with your ding-a-ling. It's kind of a big part of being in that type of relationship, right? Point being, there is no legitimate reason not to be completely open about it upfront. Because its "none of their business" - besides being wrong (it is their business, seeing how they're in a relationship with you), but even if you truly believe it isn't any of their business still isn't enough of a reason to "hide it." Basically, if the only legitimate reasons not to tell the other person that your relationships are more open are because you don't think its the other person's business, or you hope they're not assuming you are being monogamous...then, as I've pointed out, the only real reason is because you don't want to hurt yourself somehow. It's selfish, and you've tried to convince yourself otherwise. I think, at a minimum, if you're going to be selfish like that, at least admit that is what you're doing instead of calling other people out for still "living in the 50's". Again, I challenge you, if you still are dating and in relationships where you're not monogamous, go ahead and start telling girls upfront that you won't be...see how that works. exactly why its bad. she wanted to be selfish and have the best of both worlds. what (some) people here are saying is that that is wrong.
I do, have, am, and will. So save me the "JayZ750 Challenge" BS. The expectations are a two way street, btw. And generally if I like them enough, then sure, I'll make it a monogamous thing.
So this brings up a good question. If you don't think what you're doing is wrong.... however, you have a pretty good feeling the other person thinks it is wrong... then what do you do? Personally, if I respected the other person I would err on the side of caution and assume they wouldn't want me d1ckin around. Or tell them. If I don't want to tell them because I have a feeling they'd break it off... that's the very reason I should tell them or just NOT do the thing I'm afraid of telling them I'm doing.
She probably wasn't all that ashamed of it when it happened, but now that they have established a long-term serious relationship out of that fledgling 3 months, she probably isn't proud of it. But hey, shame doesn't determine whether something is wrong or right... Sure a conversation or dialogue would've been nice, but that's all ifs and buts now.
i'm saying possibly when she did it she didn't realize it was wrong. maybe she didn't think it was exclusive and didn't want to tell him about things she was doing with other people. the only time i've been in a situation like that, the girl started to tell me about a date she went on with the other guy. i didn't care, i just didn't care to hear it either. i just don't see why it's hard to understand why she wouldn't tell him until now, but it not being a bad thing when it happened if they were on two different wavelengths about the status of the relationship. of course, if she felt it was wrong at the time, then that sucks. i still wouldn't base my ending the relationship on something that happened over a year ago at the very beginning of a relationship if things are going great now.
From what I understand from 10 pages ago she just told him because they were all going to be in the same proximity; the chances of it becoming 'known', by their reactions or other people's conversations, was likely to the extent that she felt like she should preempt any accidental exposure. Exposure that would look more like she had tried to keep it from him with intent. You guys need to grow up, hormones and ego make all this sexual relations stuff every shade of gray. 90% of the guys on this board have probably had exactly her kind of situation. And no man would give another man crap about it, more likely we'd high five the poonhound. Going steady only counts in High School. You want an exclusive relationship, you've got to tell her and she has to say yes. Or vice versa.
Thank you for telling us how you approach these situations in life. That doesn't mean that's how we all look at it. I think it basically goes back to what someone was saying earlier, regarding Formers and Latters. Some people feel like it's no big deal. Some people, like me, think that sexual intimacy implies something beyond just the sex. You may not agree with me. That's fine. But that's how I feel. So I'm not saying she's wrong for doing it. But she just wouldn't the type of gal for me.
I was about to post this exact same thing, but you have done it more eloquently than I have. Maybe up until this point there was really no reason for him to know about it? In her mind, they weren't exclusive and what she did wasn't wrong, but there was also no need to tell him. But since they are now exclusive and the other guy was going to be around, she wanted to give him the heads up about the situation.
