Azadre LISTEN UP!!! This is Advice that you will carry with you Forever!! Don't , I repeat , Don't EVER get caught in the dreaded FZ!! FZ = Friend Zone If you like a girl you can't start off like that, they see you as a confidant, and will not want to try a relationship to break that bond on friendship while your there listening to stories about her and some other guy, while pissed inside!!! If you like a girl you have to be direct, GIRLS are insecure by nature and you must learn to capitalize on that. There is no point in STALKING a girl ala CAT. And Jeff I Agree with you....kinda creepy..... j/j If you are sucumbing to her interests buddy, you are giving her the power in the relationship. You Have to have the power or you'll never be in control. Honestly, looks are not THAT important to girls.....if you have a group of friends and she likes being part of that group....alienate her a bit through you and get your friends to do it too. Then she will be drawn to you to feel comfortable and accepted in a group and she knows she will only be accepted through you...then you can see if your personalities match and you get along well. But remember........STAY OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE, its like quicksand, because its so tempting to want to be close to that person etc., but you get stuck and you can't get out.......and you end up talking about Puppy dogs and Ice Cream all day long and hearing about their new guy and being miserable. Watch a movie....its called Swingers, you might learn something.. Good Luck...ask me any questions you need to know!
I want to clarify a couple of things here because I'm not sure I was interpreted correctly. This is probably true. She's right. But, is that worth passing on a good relationship? You have to decide on that. If the friendship is just more valuable, that's one thing. But, if you are having trouble being her friend because of the other stuff, ultimately, your friendship will fail anyway. This is NOT what I meant. I'm not talking about control or manipulation. What I'm talking about is meeting a person on equal terms. It is difficult to do that if you give up all of your interests to her. "Sharing" interests is very different from just simply adopting hers as your own. If you genuinely like the same band or hanging out at the mall or whatever, great. Shared interests are often how relationships start. There is a difference between sharing and interest and doing something you don't like to try and date her. Well, it doesn't sound like she is ignoring him at all. If they are really good friends, they already share interests and spend time together. I can almost guarantee that the fact that they are good friends means she has no boyfriend. If she did, her boyfriend would probably be jealous of their friendship. It is the way it works most times, especially among younger people. I don't think you can establish attraction. You either have attraction for someone or not. If there is no spark, there is no spark. The fact that she likes to be around him and even suggests her motivation for not dating him is losing his friendship indicates to me that there is some attraction there. She is just held back by fear of the "what if." You can't just suddenly "be yourself." It is one thing to be on your best behavior when you date. All guys do that. But, to be one way and then say, "Oh, by the way, this is the REAL me" is dangerous. You are risking that she will find the placating, do everything for her you as attractive and not who you really are. There are always surprises in relationships but that develops over the course of months of time. By that time, you have real, genuine fondness for a person (even love) and the subtle changes are part of the evolution of the relationship. Plus, the chemicals that build up in your system during the first stages of that relationship wear off and you start to feel normal. But, changing who you are to be with her and then revealing your true self later is not a good idea. Shared interests do not mean compromising. That is the nature of sharing. You enjoy it too. Compromise in a relationship is quite different from that of compromising who you are or part of your personality. I'm not saying you don't go places you don't want to. That happens. What I'm saying is that what you do should be both an extension of yourself and and extension of your feelings for someone. This I agree with. I just think it is important that you have some boundries. Believe me, boundries are imporant in a relationship. You have to know what is simply too much for you. Otherwise, you just end up resenting her for making you do something you really hate. This is absolutely true. I think the difference is in the approach. Keep an open mind and try things. Be honest about what you feel and think. You are just a jerk if you refuse to try things she likes because you think they are boring. Do it once and see what happens. If you had a friend who needed support and they wanted your help doing something you found less than thrilling, you would of course do it because he/she is your friend. This can be no different. I'm just saying you don't give up everything you like in exchange for everything she likes. She needs to meet you half way. Maybe you do something she likes if she does something you like. You are sharing YOUR interests with her just like she is sharing hers with you. You want someone who is your equal so you have to behave as an equal or you end up in an unbalanced relationship.
If You deny what you enjoy doing simply to bend over to her demands she will never, ever respect you and then you might as well not be in a relationship with her. With women....you let them make the little decisions, but you make the big (real) decisions... and they will be happy...
Man, approach every relationship (platonic, family, friends, intimate) with only two things in mind: 1) Let the base to any relationship be friendship. I know, trite, but it works for the heart...pisser for the ego. And consider this base as cake. If there is anything more to the relationship (intimacy, family, both PBR beer drinkers, etc.), well, that's just icing on the cake. So, when/if you loose the icing, you still have delicious cake...your friendship. 2) Do all you do with accountability and without expectations. These two thoughts will give you mucho peace in the years ahead in dealing with relationships. RR ps. well, anyway, it works for me...
This girl is either: 1) actually interested in being friends with you, in which case she will be an excellent resource for you to get to other girls (she's got to have friends, some of whom are good-looking) 2) using you for something, in which case you won't know until she's done (we never do) 3) seriously interested in a relationship. In which case you should not take her too seriously, unless she really "does it for you"... If that is the case then take her very seriously. If you don't go out with at least 20 women from here to the end of high school then you're missing out. On the other hand, if she's the "right one" for you, and you go out with her until the end of high school and beyond, then I'm the one who's missing out... (main point: don't be heartbroken if it doesn't work out - there are plenty of fish out there, and you have much time)
women will **** up your life..dont waste your time!!!! save your money up and *buy* yourself a classy ho!!! they will always lie to you and stab you in the back!!!! trust no one...
I think Pimp had the best advice. Just stay cool and she will let you know if something is ready to develop. A good movie to watch would be the one with Freddie Prince jr. I don't remember the name of it, but he is friends with this girl for a long time before they finally get together. It was a nice movie about the very same thing.
The whole trying to be their friend gig just doesn't work. I think its kind of manipulating also. Its pathetic that someone likes a girl and does not tell her and instead feels miserable when she is talking about some other guy she's talking to. Whats the point? One thing everyone must accept it that there are girls that like you and girls that don't. If a girl is not going to like you for who you are, then don't try to get close by being a friend zone fool. I've known so many guys that were in love with girls, but were afraid to tell them or were rejected and stayed friends simply to put down any guy she dated or to secretly convince her all guys except for him are scum. Thats a weak-ass routine. You have to be direct, or that " i don't want to lose your friendship " is just waiting to happen.... And By the Way Jeff, I didn't mean, don't do anything that she enjoys doing that you don't, I'm just saying that to copy her interests in order to get her is wrong. You don't have to have all the same interests with your significant other, but to lie about your fondness for Minature Poodles, is wrong and she'll never respect you if you don't stand up for what you are and not try to be what you think she wants you to be.
Jeff, Congratulations. I think its wonderful that you are with someone for 10 years. You sound very happy and I wish you 10 more years of happiness. Its almost a rarity in this country nowadays to see people actually make their marriages work. The divorce rate is so high that it makes blackjack in Vegas look like a good investment.
Khan: Thank you and I agree with your last post. I just didn't agree with the fact that you suggested men make the "big (real) decisions" and women make the "little" one's and that will keep them happy. My wife is my equal. She is as intellegent as I am (probably more) and has every bit the sense I do to make decisions as I do. Being in a marriage means being partners with someone for life. No one is boss. I agree that you have to be honest about your interests. But, my wife and I became friends several months before we began dating. Our shared likes and dislikes as friends translated very well to the relationship. No, we don't like everything the other likes. She doesn't like sports and is terribly bored by computer discussions but that doesn't mean we don't get along or aren't able to share other interests. I think that there must be a balance between enjoyment of each other's interests and maintenance of your own. Oftentimes, the things you love about your partner are things you love about yourself and the things you dislike...you get the idea. Relationships are usually a mirror of who you are. If you choose to place the emphasis on either yourself or your partner without concern for the other, you will have problems.
In my MANY of my own experiences with girls I have found out a few things.... If it is meant to be (long term relationship): 1. There will be few, if any arguments. 2. You will know in a few dates if you and your mate have long term potential. 3. There will be no need for the "games" to win her over. 4. You dont have to be reserved about your feelings. 5. You wont stress out about what to say or do. These are just a few things I have noticed over the course of my relationships.
Here is some bad advice, but it has worked for me. Don't be yourself. Be the bad boy. You may not have a long term relationship when it's all done, but you will get the girl . And often times, you will get many girls. I tried it once. As an experiment, and it really worked. I didn't expect it to work, but it did.
Take this bit of advice from a lifelong bachelor: Women are like streetcars. If you miss one, there will be another one rolling down the track in five or ten minutes.
Get her a card. Maybe a little more if you'd like, but not a whole lot. Eventually one day you will lose her as a friend. You will get serious with a girl or even married, and as respect to your significant others, all your female friends will slowly dwindle away. So maybe your relationship won't be that way (most end up this way), but she too will find a guy one day, and the same thing applys to her. If she doesn't want anything, do not pursue it. Think of a girl that you would not date. Now imagine if she kept bothering you about getting with her.
