My last girlfriend was black, my current is Puerto Rican. I have enough "white" racist jokes to last a lifetime just through dinners/holidays with their families. I laughed, they loved me, game ovah. Once you grow thick skin and find a sense of humor, the world is yours.
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Stuff Black People Like You know I had to do it. #1. Black People Black people like black people. Mostly because we actually do, other times because we have to. Most of the time it's because we want to like black people, and since black people want to like black people, we generally meet black people who want to like us. The liking is mutual and self-replicating. This is especially the case whenever we are in areas that are predominantly white. We immediately find some other black people to like and we go and like each other. When we're mostly around black people, then we tend to only like certain black people. Some people like to talk about black love, but in fact, black love is at a premium. Black like is all over the place. So much so that even white people like black people. #2. Freedom Black people like freedom. We're never really sure if we have it or if we have freedom-lite, you know, that freedom that they sell down at the corner store. We have plenty of it, but it always seems to be that discount freedom that breaks when you really need it. It's plain wrap freedom, not the expensive good kind like they sell at Macy's. Still, we love the freedom that we have, and we tend to be a bit showy with it. Plus we always invent new kinds of freedom. Problem is, not everybody digs black freedom, like the freedom to interrupt anything any actor in any movie is saying, or the freedom to tell anybody anything at anytime. But that won't stop us from really, really liking freedom. Do yourself a favor and try not to get between us and freedom. #3. Mama I'll always love my mama, she's my favorite girl - the onliest one. Black people like mama, and also momma, and moms. We like big mama, skinny mama, foine mama and bad mama jamma. But we only like our mama, we don't like your mama. In fact, your mama is so old she pees rust and poots dust. OK now I dare you to say something about my mama. #4. Education Ask any black man woman or child what's the solution to the problem and sit down and prepare yourself for a lecture on the benefits of education. It all started when mama, yeah mama, walked five miles to and from school in the snow with no shoes, uphill both ways. And before that with Carter G. Woodson. Black people love education so much that we've decided that every American ought to wake up with night sweats over a dream that they forgot to study for the test, and that test is Black History Month. Education is that thing we know that can be denied but once achieved can never be stolen. Sure it would be nice just to have enough to buy, but we are Saturday's child, we have to learn for a living. #5. Hair Preparations It could be Glover's Mange or Creme of Nature, but it's certainly not Prell or Head and Shoulders. There is no reason at any time for any black person of any stripe not to have a very specific regimen for hair care. That goes double for those who have to travel. We make doubly sure that we bring the right dose and boy are we persnickety about it. If somebody were to document all of the stories about curling irons, #1 clipper guards, barbershops & beauty salons, jheri curls, doo rags, pressed hair vs natural, dreads vs braids and other aspects of black hair preparation, it would strain the capacity of Google. #6. Cell Phones I don't know if you've noticed, but ever since cell phones were invented, there has been no color line. Black people got them as soon as they became available. We didn't get cable TV when it first came out and we didn't get the internet right away. We also didn't get invited to Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, but we actually didn't miss it much. But when it came to a cell phones, black people would not put up with being left behind on that score. So we made it known, with our awesome consumer clout in these United States, that we would not be ignored. We even got a hiphop phone company just for texting with flavor. Unfortunately for Kwame Kilpatrick... ahh but that's another story. What's your ringtone? #7. Telling White People Off One of the most fun thing about being black is that white people listen to you, especially when you get all up in their grill. They act like they hate it and they get all huffy about it, but in the end they're always grateful for the experience. White people tend to forget who they are and what they're doing on this planet. That's why they watch foreign films. They know that they live two inches off the ground, and of course they often forget whether or not they are living in reality. They ask themselves stupid questions like, how do I know everything I'm experiencing is not an illusion and maybe when I'm asleep, that's reality. That's why white people made The Matrix. And who did they turn to in The Matrix? A black man, of course. Morpheus. White people need black people to ground them in reality, so the next time you feel like slapping the taste out of some white person's mouth for doing something spacey, go ahead and give them a neck shaking verbal beatdown. They'll act offended, but deep down they're really glad you did it. They call it an intervention, and we really like to give them. #8. Church Black people legendarily sin on Saturday night and make up for it on Sunday morning, which stretches into Sunday afternoon half the time. Don't forget Bible Study on Wednesday night. Now I was originally motivated to say that black people love Jesus, and a lot of us do, but not as much as we love Church. You and I both know there's a lot of black people in Church who don't really love Jesus as much as they say they do, but I suppose that's pretty much universal. Black people church. Which is to say we have turned it into a verb. Next to education, church will get you right. It is more than a ritual, it is a way of life, you've got worship, praise, singing, dancing, dressing up, eating, socializing of all sorts, gossip, showing off, redemption, celebration. There isn't much that doesn't go on in Church. Yes even that. #9. Loose Clothing Some people think that drooping pants is a new trend among young black teens. In fact, it is a tradition dating ancient Egypt, or should I say Kemet. The Man won't let you know but recently archaeologists found some hieroglyphs showing Pharaoh Ramses Extra II sagging big time. Of course our Arab brothers in North Africa still wear the flowing robes today and we are gradually making the full circle complete as our white t-shirts get longer and longer. #10. Basketball I know. I know. I know. We like track and field and we like baseball, and we really like football. We like tennis and golf now, but maybe that's just an infatuation. But basketball? That borders on something unhealthy. We like the sound of the ball on a hardwood floor and the echo off the cinderblock walls of the gym. We like the squeak of the sneakers on a pivot foot at the high post. We like sounds and the energy and the fact that in the blink of an eye you can go from being on offense to being on defense. We like the drama of the final seconds of possession and the elbows down in the paint. We like the swish of the net and the metallic clank of the spring loaded rim snapping back after a monster dunk. We like the improbable little men, the stylish guards and the miraculous ball control. We like the unstoppable big man charging the lane and snatching rebounds with authority. Ahh. you get the picture. What's not to like? #11 Dap Dap is a fudamental element of black greeting and communication. It can be as subtle as a split-second head bob between strangers crossing paths in a city street. It can be as complicated as a hand game between blood sisters. It can be as sassy as a neck working snap from a man in tight jeans on Greenwich Village or as decorous as a triple cheek kiss at the after party at a Paris couture event. It could be a father and son rubbing foreheads at bedtime or fraternity sisters making triangles with their fingers. I can be as sinister as a gang sign or as welcoming as warm embrace. Every American baby learns to high five before it can speak. Dap says acknowledge me and a language of gesture that is a black gift to the world, we like that everybody likes dap. #12 Shine There is nothing quite so annoying to black people as a drab existence. So when we get a chance to show off, there ain't no half stepping. We could set Warren Buffet back on his heels trying to calculate the value of all the chrome rims adorning black people's automobiles from coast to coast. Black people have reinvented jewelry, it's not just glitter, it's bling. But bling is too narrow to describe that element of flashiness that's why I say shine. It's about a megawatt smile, a showtime attitude, and acheiving just right mix of upper crust sophistication and gutbucket style. Like all the greatest inimitable styles, it's hard to describe shine but you know it when you see it and you know it had to come from black people. #13 Hot Sauce Obviously because most of us are not from New Haven, Connecticut, if you are black you have got to have some element of spice in your diet. Tobasco, Rooster, Red Hot. I could go on. And we like not only our own native hot, we like habanero hot, and kung-pao hot, and Indian curry hot too. It could be in a Jamaican patty or a Nigerian jerk goat head. It could be on french fries or on top of the already hot salsa in our heuvos rancheros. Black people like all kinds of hot, and that's hot. (You go hottie!) #14 Heads Now this may seem strange to outsiders, but black people have a great deal of admiration for a well-shaped black male head. Now for a time there, black men were somewhat undercover of the Afro and that was cool for a time, but the basic aesthetic of the black skull could not long be denied. We chuckle when those Minoxadil commercials come on because we know the very essence of masculinity is the shaved black man's head. Except for Christopher Darden. He's got a pack of hotdogs crawling up the back of his neck and nobody respects that. From the time we And black women can work it too. Sure you've got your Annie Lennox and Sinead O'Connor gave it a shot, but they don't hold a candle to Julianne Malveaux. #15 Swap Meets Black people can make a dollar out of 15 cents at the swap meet. Sure white people have garage sales and estate auctions, but there's something about an acre of tables with cheap stuff that makes me want to get my shop on.
