Ok Guys, this place is getting very tense with discussions about War, Immigration, Homosexuality, Corporate Scandals and the Rockets are losing! Heres some good Jokes I thought you guys might like! "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." Jay Leno "What we know about Osama bin Laden is this: he's worth US$300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." David Letterman "The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." Jay Leno "More and more details coming out now about [that] spoiled rich kid, Osama bin Laden... This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." Jay Leno "More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row. Just like Clinton." Jay Leno "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300 million. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." Jay Leno "It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" Conan O'Brien "CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." David Letterman "Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." Jay Leno "I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standingoutside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!" Jay Leno "The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." Jay Leno "In Pakistan, anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking a U.S. military official, Colonel Sanders." Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update "Tomorrow night on NBC, a special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." Jay Leno "Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his namewould be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $4.99 a minute." Jay Leno "U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement, and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." Jay Leno "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early." Jay Leno "Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'" Jay Leno "Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were recently exposed to a mysterious white powder they had never seen before: The end zone." Jay Leno "President Bush has urged people to get back to normal, and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." Jay Leno The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks." Jay Leno "President Bush's popularity is at 90%, the highest popularity ever...if President Bush ran for president today he could actually be elected." Jay Leno
Gay Frank Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapnels cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- History Lesson It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki franticly yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pepsi’s new product Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA (mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the trade name of Mydixaflop. Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name Mount And Do. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Redneck Church Y'all might belong to a redneck church if... People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," then five guys and two women stand up. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink" is the favorite wine for communion. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as "brandin' ". There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor ta howlin'. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?”
Everyone likes jokes. A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...." MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever b****es. Don't mess with them.
Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death. Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" asked bin Laden. "It don't matter," said the psychic. "The day you die will be made into an American holiday." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno "The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" —Conan O'Brien "One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken "They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." —David Letterman "According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno "Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman "Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people hated us before." —Jay Leno "The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno "The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" —Conan O'Brien "Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." —David Letterman "One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken "They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." —David Letterman "Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing." —David Letterman "According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno "An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno "Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno "Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman "The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman "It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno "In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update" "Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people hated us before." —Jay Leno "President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." —Jay Leno "Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." —David Letterman "President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." —Jay Leno "The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno "The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" —Conan O'Brien "Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." —David Letterman "One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken "They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." —David Letterman "Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing." —David Letterman "According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno "An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno "Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno "Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman "The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman "It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno "In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update" "Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people hated us before." —Jay Leno "President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." —Jay Leno "Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." —David Letterman "President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." —Jay Leno "I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early — took my cipro. Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'" —David Letterman "There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." —Jay Leno "One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." —Jay Leno "The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno "The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" —Conan O'Brien "Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." —David Letterman "One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken "They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." —David Letterman "Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing." —David Letterman "According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno "An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno "Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno "Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman "The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman "It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno "In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update" "Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people hated us before." —Jay Leno "President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." —Jay Leno "Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." —David Letterman "President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." —Jay Leno "I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early — took my cipro. Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'" —David Letterman "There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." —Jay Leno "I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started in the mailroom." —David Letterman "I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it — 'Roots.'" —Jay Leno "One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." —Jay Leno "People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." —Jay Leno "We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." —David Letterman "I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." —Jay Leno Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1... Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble. Q: What is the Taliban's national bird? A: Duck
These are actual quotes taken from FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 15. "He's been working with glue too much." 16. "He would argue with a signpost." 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 29. "One neuron short of a synapse. 30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-Minutes'."
