Baqui, you're not understanding the concept of community property. All of their stuff purchased together is communal property, they both have an equal right to it. Every situation is different. My ex and I sat down and divided our stuff in half by mutual agreement. Including debts. If one or the other of us had been totally dependent upon the other for support, it would have been different. Our divorce was not predicated on some horrible indiscretion or betrayal, but rather just growing up and apart. Very emotional and difficult nonetheless, but fairly amicable.
No shhhttt!! This whole marriage thing looks like one big nightmare! No way i ever do this without a pre-nup now
It's freaking me out as well... maybe we should start a thread to call out all the happily married couples. It really seems so unreasonable... I really feel for you, FFB. You mentioned your ex is a psycho... was she like that to people she didn't like before, when you were together? Or did the divorce make her evil?!
Happily married here too. I can't tell you what a great wife I have because you'd think I was making it all up. After 14+ years, I still look over and thank the Lord for her saying yes. And when she did, I never realized, even on that day, what a lucky man I would become. MadMax and bnb have the best advice. My probably poor advice is don't build a back door and you won't ever use it. And keep any disagreements to the issue and just like with children, learn to give in on the issues that aren't that important to you. On finances, have a set limit, ours is $75, that any purchases over that limit, must be approved by both parties. And ALL money goes into 1 bucket. No his/hers. You're 1 now. Put the most finacially responsible person in charge of the finances to make sure you stay on track. That person should not be a tyrant. Try to see things from their point of view. If she is home most of the day, realize that you might see home as refuge and relaxation, but she may see it more as a prison. Take her out often. It doesn't have to cost alot, just take her out - alone if possible. And that is a good book to realize how your partner views love. Each partner may think you are showing love, but he/she may view it differently.
She became very unstable after our son was born. Something just changed in her. I tried to get her to go get some help, but she refused and turned into a bi-polar, psychotic woman. I saw it in her mother, so I should've taken that as a red flag. I was just young and ignorant.
JV and I have been together for over ten years and happily married for almost six. A good friend of mine recommended The Five Love Languages because it helped her in understanding her father. It sounded great and maybe JV and I would have gotten more out of it if we had actually read it rather than just rely on her distillation of it. In any case, think about applying it. About the divorce, I am not divorced but as JV mentioned, my parents are. It utterly sucks. I was in college and it still greatly effected my life and continues to do so. I have four younger brothers, the youngest of whom has a horrible relationship with my father because he is convinced (by my mother) that if my father loved him he would have stayed in Chattanooga. Nevermind that my father made every conceivable attempt to have a strong relationship with all of us. My youngest brother's poor relationship with our father still effects him severly in ways I won't go into. Furthermore, because my parents weren't together the natural geographical and emotional hub for everyone in the family disappeared. Most of us didn't want to lose either parent (your best case scenario) but that meant never having a specific place to go back to for holidays or summers and not seeing the other siblings so much. You don't like the idea of one parent being all alone on Christmas so instead some kids visit one parent and some visit the other and it is now more than five years since I've seen one of my brothers although we love each other very much. Finally, one parent really can't take the place of two. Financially both of my parents are much worse off for it. My youngest brothers hardly saw my mother when they were living with her because she was working and putting herself through school. Theoretically, she could have forgone the school part but then what would have been the point of the divorce? People often get no-fault style divorces because they think they can improve their life faster without their marriages. In any case, a great deal of responsibility fell to me and to one of my brothers to fill in the financial and supportive gaps left by their divorce. In summary, don't do it if you can possibly avoid it. You can almost count on destroying the relationship you have with your children. You will also be seriously undermining their lives on many levels. You will also be giving them their primary example of how to deal with a difficult relationship. If six months ago she was trying to reconcile, ask her to give your relationship some set amount of time. GET SERIOUS COUNSELING. There are a lot of wonderful counselors and marriage support programs out there. You mentioned that the relationship was falling apart because of distance and that both of you were committed to your work and it had seperated you for over a year. To put it bluntly, it sounds like you both need to be ready to choose between your work and your children. As important as you might think you are to your company, if they fired you today, they probably wouldn't go home crying about it. Could you lose your children so easily?
Seems like I had a similar situation to FFB, but without the psychosis. I could also blame it on marrying too young. However time has gone on, wounds have healed, relationships are civil and focused on the well being of the offspring, which is as it should be. FFB, good for you and the progress you have made in your situation. i just cant understand what these people are thinking they are accomplishing, unbelievable. A classic case of parental alienation syndrome. But now they've been caught out and it sounds like the judge in your case has seen right through them. Good luck to you as you continue on. yes, this thread is quite scary, and until I went through a divorce with a child I had no concept of how messed up the system is. It is improving I think but be wary of where you might end up. It was the most surreal, scary part of my life but as time has gone by it almost feels like that it was all a bad dream now. Oh, and I'm getting re-married this year to the most wonderful woman, who loves my kid, loves me unconditionally and I feel like the luckiest SOB alive!
Sorry for the thread, just wanted some advice...Thanks to everyone for the advice/insight...If I had a chance to do it over, i would, but would be much more considerate and committed...I still hold out hope, but it's diminishing by the day...
I almost got divorced, but we both realized the good aspects outweighed a lot of the negatives...and the truth is a lot of negatives was plain ole misunderstanding, and not communicating the right way... Obviously communication is big. We had something worth saving, but I understand each situation is different...I know how bad it could have been, especially with kids, so I wish the best to all those in their situation...
