For the Divorced Posters...

I don't know what Divorce means or who does what to whom. I am married and hope I will never find out. I try my darndest (?) to keep my wife happy.

Anyway, just to shed some light on the situation, everyone in the office laughs at this one off this guy's cubicle:

 

Bingo. That is the truth right there. I think if more people understood this and were not so selfish, marriages would last.

 

Thing is...when it's 10/90 you're probably in a funk about something or other -- so you never really see it. So don't keep score!

rrj -- hope it works out for you and your family -- whatever the eventual outcome is.

 

You would think so, wouldn't you? However, I think it is more likely that a child will side with the parent who has custody (and therefore propagandistic access), regardless of how plain the transgression is. I've seen it.

As for being mean: my father-in-law lost out in his divorce because he was so set on reconciliation, not only monetarily, but on custody and reputation. Even though he got hosed, I rather doubt he regrets holding out for reconciliation.

 

Protect yourself and your kids. Know your rights.

Start here....at the SPARC site...
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

Information To Assist Fathers and Non-Custodial Parents
"K e e p i n g F a m i l i e s C o n n e c t e d"

Welcome to SPARC, the Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center.

SPARC's goal is to ensure that children of divorce continue to have meaningful relationships with both parents, regardless of marital status. We advocate on behalf all non-custodial parents (especially fathers) to ensure they get equitable treatment in court and continued access to their children. In addition, we work to promote gender equality in Divorce and Custody issues.

We support parents who have the best interests of their children in mind, and who understand the importance of participation by both parents in the children's lives.
To accomplish our mission, we serve as a provider of information and support resources, and we provide our services without cost. The information and services available through SPARC can be used to great effect, but they will not help a parent "cheat" their way to custody. We work to promote fair and equitable treatment, not to give one parent or the other an unfair advantage.

 

I have this book if you want it.
I think it's in my book box somewhere.

Didn't work for me... but then again, we didn't get very far in the book...

 

Every divorce is different. You know the situation, yourself, and your ex better than anyone here and will know if you or she will make it a war or make it amicable.

The best agreement my ex and I made was to never denigrate each other in front of or to the children. Regardless how you feel about the other. It's not fair to the kids.

Some of the differences in reactions here also depends on how long ago and under the circumstances their breakup occured. If the wounds are fresh, things are bitter. Those feelings eventually diminish.

Talk to a professional counselor.

 

I agree with Rashmon 's comments above, but really when it all boils down the mother will have a distinct advantage in any custody/divorce proceedings. And where there are children involved, then lawyers will be involved. When that happens no matter what, the divorce will take an adversarial footing.

Not because you want it to, but that is how lawyers work by protecting "their" clients best interests.

I suggest you bone up on your rights and how they relate to your relationship with your kids and how you can PROTECT that relationship with them from now until they leave home.

DO NOT settle for a "standard possession order". Demand that you get equal time. Is her extended family elsewhere? Be careful she may take off with the kids. There are things which MAY happen and you can prevent these if you are informed.

If you are in Texas you will probably have to go through a mediation if you cannot agree to terms. If this session fails, then its off to court (which is not in your best interests, since then its going to get REALLY expensive and its a crapshoot depending on the judge, as they can basically come up with anything in a final order.

One other thing, never believe that a "Temporary Order" is just that. If you cant agree in mediation, that order will become permanent!

Knowledge is power, and a great lawyer doesnt hurt either!

Are you in Texas?

 

oh AND if this works thats awesome.....The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman....but if she's already asking for the house and everything in it, then it may be time to CYA.

 

RRJ-
Never been married or divorced but seen alot of my friends go through it.
It's a tough process, if you still love her it will be tougher because at some point it likely will turn ugly.

One point I will make is if you begin paying child support before you actually have an agreement (like you give the kids $600/month) make sure it is well documented. A friend of mine was paying $500/month for his daughter in cash each month. When it finally got to court a year later the judge said it was $600/month and that he owed $7200 for the past year since the separation. Even though he paid $6000 the judge said he owed $7200 more since he had no documentation. Tehy did resolve it somehow, but he had to rack up more attorney hours, so I'm sure it cost him a couple thousand bucks for not documenting it.

Also make sure you aren't a nice guy if the thing gets ugly. A good friend a mine (a female) who is a nice lady but somehow she walked all over her ex-husband. She got to keep her 401K, got 1/2 of his 401K (he paid the penalty on withdrawl of "her" $40k), she got 1/2 the equity of the house in cash (around $35k for her share), and most of the stuff they purchased togther (bedroom furniture, new living room furniture). He felt bad about the divorce (she wanted kids and he didn't is what ultimately caused it) and basically gave up IMO way too much. He made good money but found himself in alot of financial trouble after paying out $70-80k, paying the penalty on the withdrawl of 401K money, etc. So if it gets ugly get a good attorney and let thm do teh dirty work.

My prayers to you and your family.

 

She can "ask" for whatever she likes
Texas = Community Property State
Real Estate - consult a lawyer
Furniture etc - consult your lawyer
Car - consult your lawyer
Child Support - 3 kids = 30% from your NET income
Health Insurance - You will probably have to carry them on your insurance
Tax deduction - She will get the deduction every year for the kids unless you can wrangle it from here on an every other year basis or she has no income (She will have to get a job, no doubt about that)
Child Support payments - will probably be garnished

So for example your net income is 3000k a month.
She will get 900 a month taxfree (10,800 per year) since you already paid them.
You pay health insurance approx 100 x 12 = 1,200
If she gets a job she can get the deduction
So thats 12,000 minimum dollars from your NET income that you will never see.
401K/ Retirement funds are community property

Remember, you will also have to furnish your home for the kids (new beds etc) and you will have expenses associated with exercising your parenting time.

Texas links -
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tgbtx.htm
Texas Statutes - Family Code
http://www.capitol.state.tx.us/statutes/fatoc.html

Are you living in different cities? Whats the score?

Does your wife have a lawyer?
You REALLY need to be consulting with a lawyer. Most lawyers will offer a half or one hour consultation free of charge.

 

there's a lot of half truths in what's posted here...not intentional, i'm sure.

but the last piece of advice is right. if this ends in divorce, you need to understand community property rights and child support, which isn't entirely correct in the analysis above. a family lawyer can assist with that.

 

My advice is to "sell" all your goods to a buddy for really cheap. That way your wife cannot take them in the divorce. Then, after the divorce, buy them back from the friend.

 

Certainly not intentional, but based on my experiences.

Thats why rrj-gamz really needs to consult with a family lawyer. By the sounds of it, it seems that Mrs rrj-gamz might already have done so.

However he also needs to bone up on the facts (statutes etc) and other resources on the net (SPARC) since no one knows their case like the client.

Some things are pretty unavoidable (percentages of child support) Some can be negotiated (Parenting time, property settlement) He needs to realize and understand the impact that child support, tax deductions, property settlements are going to have on his and his kids life going forward.

As Rashmon said earlier there will be a lot of mixed emotions intially but as time goes by they diminish. He just needs to be prepared.

Ok, I'm off back to the volleyball thread

 

and then hire me to defend you when you get sued for fraudulent transfer.

 

Male lawyers do family law?

j/k

 

How is that fraudulent? Basically you're pawning your goods off to a neighbor, and buying them back later. I think it should be legal to do as I described.