So yeah I'm the type of person that bottles stuff on the inside and pretends it doesn't bother me. It works for awhile.....but eventually it rears it's ugly head. I feel terrible....cause......well here's the back story. I have a cousin in his early 30's who had everything going for him early in his life. Really intelligent in his childhood, was blessed with a financially stable home. Unfortunately, he made some poor decisions in life, got in trouble with the law, and eventually fell into the depths of drugs and alcohol. Although I realize this is not an excuse, his mother (my aunt), was a drug addict, and his father a heavy, heavy alcoholic. My aunt made good money but her drug issues messed everything up. Once articulate, my cousin now has some brain damage from the extreme drug use and can hardly form sensible sentences together. To get to the point...he has been in and out of prison, and two years ago he got out of his most recent incarceration. Everything seemed like it was going well. He actually was sober for quite awhile and was getting ready to start some college classes, seemingly turning his life around. During this time period, we got really really close. We kinda talked and texted each other everyday, throughout the day. I made it my goal to help him out in his recovery process. In particular, we played basketball together most of the times we hung out. He actually confided in me about alot of aspects of his life, seeking advice, although he is older than me. We had a really close bond. Well he started to slip again. He began to hang out with the wrong kinds of people that got him into trouble in the first place. And started having an occasional drink or two, even though that was a huge no no under his circumstances. And he told me about all of this, I KNEW ABOUT ALL OF THIS, when others did not. My stupid ass basically kept it to myself and did not inform anyone of this. I just told him that I didn't want him to be doing that, but I wouldn't judge him or scold him for doing that because it wasn't my place. One of the biggest regrets of my life. I should have known better. Soon after this, I end up seeing some dude on the news acting like a complete tool after getting arrested for felony evading arrest and drug use. I'm think to myself, "what an idiot." Then, my stomach drops, and I realize. It was him. It is absolutely KILLING ME because I feel like I could have prevented this if I took action. If I only opened my mouth. If I only scolded him and was hard on him or took the slightest of action. Now he is back in prison. Everyday I die in guilt because of this. I miss him soooo much, and I have no means of visiting him. Just letters. And I think back to those days of texting and hooping. I can't have that back. It is my fault, I should have been more responsible. Now he is rotting in there. He recently "celebrated" his birthday in there. Thankfully the judge went relatively easy on him, but still. I make mistakes and I can still enjoy the freedom of life on the outside, and he cannot. This really sucks. Overall, I am very hard on myself for this. Just venting.
Ultimately its his life. My first girlfriend was big on ecstasy even at a very young age, eventually it spiralled and for ages I always blamed myself for not doing enough about it, even though I really had no idea at what like 16? Don't be hard on yourself. Alcoholism, all that, its a sickness.
A man regrets not vocalizing hard and loud enough when his cousin relapsed into substance dependence and abuse. The cousin has been incarcerated multiple times. OP, like thousands of family members in similar circumstances since the War on Drugs began, understandably believes he had the sufficient capability to prevent his cousin's most recent stint. ---------------------------------------- I'm sorry to hear about your cousin, OP. You won't be the first to feel regret in such situations. There's no guarantee your increased efforts would have prevented this. Depression/genetics are very powerful 'forces' to fight with merely one or two people - something I assume your cousin was a product of. Talk to a mental health counselor if you can, and then a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist if necessary.
I have a cousin just like yours. It's almost impossible to help him, no matter how many rehabs and shiz he's been to, if he doesn't want to help himself and doesn't have a strong family support. Don't know much about your situation, but I think it takes more than one person who's close to change someone's drug habits. It totally changes a person for the worse and from my experiences with relatives, there's a very slim chance of ever coming back if he/she gets little support from family.
While it's easy to second guess your actions or non-actions, some things are going to happen sooner or later. Sadly your cousin has chosen a path that will be difficult for him to turn back from and things are now settling into place that make it even more difficult. Ex-cons have a hard time getting a job. That leaves more free time and boredom to "find things to occupy your time". And friends are those that are accepting of those like themselves which in this case are trouble. While you should keep in touch and keep giving him good advice, remember that he's an adult and he alone has chosen this path just as you have chosen yours.
Could you have done more? Sure. Would it have worked? Maybe. Chin up, as adults we're all responsible for our own actions. Just use this as a lesson on how to continue to be and become an even better friend, loved one, family member, father, etc.
"I wouldn't judge him or scold him for doing that because it wasn't my place"??? It WAS your place. You still have time. He's still alive, he's getting punished for his own decisions, but you helped as much as you could and still have a chance to keep him from making MORE bad decisions. You're not the judge or leader of his life, but you can influence where you can, and your "keeping your mouth shut" is proof. If it were me, I would have told his momma, daddy, the cops, whoever... just to stop him from hurting himself. You still have time.
I have experience with drugs and alcohol in my family as im sure alot of people do, it got to the point where i realized yelling, getting mad and scolding them never helped. They are not proud of the addiction, they no its wrong, but it becomes apart of them. They will slip up, its a fact, but you need to support them and help get them in a healthy mind-state where addiction isn't an option. Cause in the end the only way an addict can recover is if they decide they want to.
yes you should feel guilty. you are solely responsible for a grown arse man. but seriously... be happy he's still alive. had a sponsee that hung himself in his garage a couple of years ago. a lot of folks don't make it.
My sister went to rehab and it appears she changed. I offer her a beer and she turned it down. I am impressed.
