There are no rational thoughts. Nonsense and reality exist. There is a duality in the brain. There is something inside on the presence that cannot be logically explained. It is pure torment to mix logic and insanity. Yet the brain must go between two extremes. Moods are symptom. You will feel 2 sensations simultaneously. You will feel like God of All Earth when supremely manic. These are rare moments for me. Usually exacerbated by substance abuse. A bipolar person is genetically fragmented and predisposed to substance abuse and suicidal thoughts. Extreme depression borne out of nothing. There are things so awful to fathom. You do not understand how sad this is. Because you love her more than anything, but you could also not stand to go through loss again. You would murder yourself in a heartbeat to not feel that pain again. You do not understand the way that pain hurts. There is no Hades that can compare. Nothing that can build up in such a way. You are a complex animal. You are capable of excelling. When the mania connects in the right way, you are Einstein. You are Mozart. You are brilliance. You are unstoppable. King Kong. The Incredible Hulk. But it is an Ivory Tower. We live too much in the moment. The moment is all we have. The feeling in the now is the only thing that is persistent and real. Any further trepidation is a silent cry for death, for love, for shame, for pity, for insight, for a little something, anything to take the pain away. I think of my brothers who have taken the rite of passage. I do not know the end result. I can imagine glory. I can imagine suffering. There is no assurance. A warm pipe, a warm bottle of Scotch, a warm gun. No. I cannot feel in the way you can feel. I cannot live in the moments you can live in. I cannot breathe out the sighs of relief, the expressions of enthusiasm, the songs in the night sky, the diamonds on the edge of the Nebula. What I can tell you is that the gift and the curse will always be hand in hand. One exists as one surrenders. One falls as one rises. One falls as one falls. This is not a suicide note. This is not a cry for help. This is not an epitaph, nor a message to future ilk. This is blood. This is human. This is real. I cannot fathom anything else.
not partial to Seattle. I should have never made enemies with you. You were right all along. It was I who was the fool. I always underestimated you.
Sorry to hear about your mental health state, Moes. I highly encourage that you read Dr. Duman and Dr. Aghajanian's "Synaptic Dysfunction in Depression: Potential Therapeutic Targets" study online. The PDF is free with a simple Google search. Essentially Ketamine has huge implications for BPD treatment, especially for Type 2 individuals with rapid cycling.
One of my best friends is bipolar. When he has gone off of his medication, usually because it affects his sexual performance and/or he's convinced himself that he's somehow "cured" and doesn't need it, despite what are now decades of evidence to the contrary, in his case, evidence acquired from going through the same delusion before, again and again, he ends up calling me, getting me to come over, and I help talk him through just the feelings that you have described. It's no joke, people. It's a disease that can literally cause you to kill yourself if you don't stay on the meds that don't cure it, but at least help keep it under control. Good luck, Moes. As I tell my buddy, living beats the hell out of the alternative.
I wonder if regimenting and streamlining your activities to the point that there isn't a lot of downtime, uncertainty or over-stimulation at points when a polar episode might occur would help. Do you have a routine, a career, a life and family situation that is rewarding and/or sustainable enough for you to be complacent for the next twenty or thirty years, and split up your days, weeks and months into milestones that you can directly and "mindlessly" focus on without a lot of introspection or emotional investment? Can you live vicariously enough through those closest around you to detract from momentary, snowballing anxieties or creeping sense of personal void?
With medication, this is essentially how I can proceed, and it can be done, and I did do it this way. But the meds got weary, and I moved away from them and tried to cure myself with more natural remedies. Deckard has pinpointed the exact issue though. Kudos.
I give you **** when you play the hipster persona even when you're trying to be meta because you're better than that. You're a relatable person in your own right to claim some sort of Tinman-esque Elder bbs personality. Being bipolar, I'm the opposite of that that there are sometimes when I feel blessed I'm not even more boring or risk adverse than I am. My anxiety and overthinking is a rational process I can focus on moreso than your emotional underpinnings.... I don't know how far you have tried meditation. You've mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy, and those two I believe are seeds to be grown and nurtured rather than a finished manufactured product to be consumed. Medication is a double edged sword. There's a price to be paid to even out those swings in manageable states. The fire and meaning are diminished, so I think the meditation and CBT are tools to use in conjunction with medication that reduces that chance of self destructing. Granted, both take a ****load of time, but it's better than self medicating 420 style to forget the inner demons that are lurking. What troubled me about the ganj was how my drive became replaced with talk, which is cool around friends but had the danger of becoming an echo chamber with circle jerking self delusions. I feel for you on how tough it is, but I don't pity you. You have gifts and loved ones no one else has. You recognize enough how close you can be to throw it all away, and you know enough to ask yourself if its worth it to spend some time and consistency on tools that you've tried before but never believed in working. Maybe meditation and cbt isn't for everyone, and if you believe deeply that you tried your best and hardest to make it work over years of effort, then I'm just a random bbs member that's talking his ass off.
I'm not sure this is helpful, but if it is, thank you. Moe, I've enjoyed roughly 95% of your posts and this is no different. You are one of those guys/gals on here that I'd have no problem meeting. You seem like you'd be the funny m'fer in person, that you are on here. I look forward to more of you.
One of my parents has it. So, I know all about it but strictly in the sense of how it affects a single person and the outward symptoms. What comes out of any one person who has it obviously is unique to that individual. But, there is definitely no rhyme or reason to it. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain and, left untreated, I don't recognize the person nor does the person with it recognize the person. And, the person going from untreated to treated doesn't remember the person when untreated. I can't deal with the untreated person at all. It's the most scary thing imaginable given the unpredictability of the person when it is full blown going on. But, unfortunately, the treated person isn't the same person as before the diagnosis and development of the disease. And, the helplessness of it all is often too much to deal with but, somehow, we must go on and be okay with it because it is what it is. No treatment is unimaginable and unsustainable. There may be different flavors of it and different degrees. From what I've seen of untreated, my family member has the worst flavor and degree of it. It's off the charts.
They even have groups of people going around neighborhoods asking residents if they've found Jesus. None has found him, for he is a skilled ninja.
Not sure what you are implying, but i hope you aren't advising folks to self-medicate with ketamine. The results have been promising, but we have a long way to go
