There is a reason she feels that way which none of us know because we are not privy to their entire 11+ year relationship. It may be a valid reason, it may not be a valid reason. I offered my thoughts (as he asked) and I formed those thoughts and reasonings based on my experience. I prefer honesty from my wife (as she does with me). It has worked for 27+ years. I would rather she tell me her honest thoughts at all times. If that doesn't work for you - fine. If that doesn't work for the OP - fine. It works for me. I didn't tell him what he should do. My way works for me.
What business are you wanting to get into? Do you have experience in this regard? Do you have 5 or 10 year business plans prepared? Do you have the necessary start-up costs? Basically, are you actually serious about this or are you just upset because your wife mildly insulted you?
I may agree if I had been in the car and heard the entire conversation. I think there should be a Jerry Springer type of thread started with WS&C and his spouse giving their sides of the entire story and their 11+ year history so we can all determine the whys and wherefores of this situation.
I'd also tell my SO that as he is now, he wouldn't be able to do it. I'd tell him that if he was really genuinely interested, he'd have to do some serious thinking about the full scope of _______ and what he really can or can't do. If he was still determined, then I would help him out to the fullest of my abilities to make sure he succeeds. And I'd expect nothing less from him in regards to me as well.
That's the answer to what should have been said. Maybe that's what she meant. If I was in the same situation with my wife, this is exactly what I would expect to hear from her. "If you're going to do it, make sure you're ready to do it."
next time try this "i also bet you don't think i'll leave you right here in the middle of the road either" Only proves her point if you don't have the follow through though. xcharged your relationship expert
I definitely see why you wouldn't be happy about the conversation. I would have a real need to find out why my wife didn't believe in me. During that conversation it may come out that she spoke those words, not of firm conviction, but fear of taking the risk. I would encourage my wife to do anything at all that would make her happy. I would have very serious doubts if she tried to stop me from pursuing my dreams.
With DD on this one. Sounds like it's a very lopsided relationship in terms of work and she doesn't want her sweet deal ruined by your dreams of independence. It also sounds like you guys should sit down and clarify expectations.
Tell her that "fear is the dark room where the devil develops his negatives" and that what you lack in competence, diligence, and honest self-appraisal, you more than make up for with your sense of adventure and jelafied optimism.
Very uncool! Two key parts of a relationship are love AND support. There is a difference between sitting down and talking through its and working out together that it may be too much of a risk. Its another thing for one side to basically say no straight out because they think you'll be a failure.
obviously without knowing him or his wife this is difficult. I know many people "held back" by their spouses and others who are constantly chasing some dream or the other and the expense of their families.
She sounds very selfish IMO. She is happy with what you are brining in now and she's happy that she only has to tinker around at the school for 9 months out of the year and gets her summers off. She cringes at the thought of losing that and having to work a full-time real job if your business start up fails. She likes the way HER life is right now, and she doesn't really care whether YOU are happy or not. I'd be very upset if this happened to me. I would not want a wife who only thinks about her own situation and not mine.
Is your wife the analytical type? That may just be part of her DNA. Most businesses fail so the odds are against you from the start. And you can really lose your shirt going down this path. She may be looking at the odds and is comfortable in the direction your lives are on. She may not be a risk taker. That doesn't mean she doesn't trust you, love you or respect you - she just fears what the odds say will happen.
It was all hypothetical. Basically, she's not saying that she doesn't believe in the business plan (because there isn't one - it's hypothetical). She's saying that she doesn't believe in me. I believe that there are people in the world who believe "I can't do it." And there are people who don't believe "You can't stop me from doing it." You and my wife sound like the former. I've told my daughter that you can do almost anything if you apply yourself. And I believe that for my kids. And I believe it for my wife. And I believe it for myself.
That's just babble that wouldn't express what his wife was actually feeling/thinking about the situation. He would probably just reply with "I know. Of course I would be fully committed to it." and that would be the end of it. Maybe you and I are different, but I'm all about honesty no matter how much it might hurt. I don't want things sugarcoated. There's a reason terrible singers on American Idol always say "my friends and family tell me I have a great voice..." and then they leave crying.
WS&C, I'm glad you started the thread. IMO, anyone who is taking your wife's side in this situation is either a female or wants to be one. You are right, she is wrong, it is black and white in this situation. If you guys went to a reputable counselor, they would tell her she was wrong and she should support you. Saying things like "cringe" when you are talking about your dreams is very disturbing.
I think you're missing it though. It's not her honesty that bothers me. I'm not bothered by the fact that she honestly tells me that she doesn't believe in me. I'm bothered by the fact that she doesn't believe in me.
I was in your position once. I had my own company, was my own boss, etc. before I ever met my wife. Then I got married and had a kid and realized that while I made pretty good money on my own and could probably support my family over the long term, I still had "what if my business goes under" thoughts and made a preemptive change and took a super job that pays well and has the one of the best benefits package of any major company in the US. In the end, it was an easy decision for me to make. I never wanted my family to worry about the "what ifs" like I did. Thats not fair to anyone. I think it would be much easier to go out on your own and take that risk if you didn't have a family to think about.
