This one gets a lot of delayed reactions.... A p*rn store clerk is at work one day when a timid old lady walks in the door. Astonished to see such a non-stereotypical customer, the clerk asks "Can I help you ma'am?" The old lady replies nervously "D-D-D-D-Do you s-s-s-sell d-dildos here?" To this, the clerk waves at his vast display case and says "Of course, we have quite a few." Still stuttering, the woman asks "D-d-do you have any that are th-th-th-this long?" while holding out her shaky hands about 10 inches apart. "Yeah, we got about 10." "H-H-H-how about one this w-w-w-wide?" she asks with her hands maybe five inches apart for demonstration. "Sure, there's two of them." "D-D-D-do an-an-any of them v-v-v-v-vibrate?" "Yeah," says the clerk, "this one does." "W-W-W-Well, how d-d-do you t-t-turn it off?"
or... "I bought decaffinated coffee table yesterday" "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out..." "I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time." "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone." "I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'." "Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."
Here's a semi old one. ... There was this new intern at the White House, and eventually Bill Clinton spotted her out while making his rounds. He goes to her and says, "Hey sugar, might I give you a tour of the White House?" The intern blushes and says, "No Mr. President, I've heard some stories about you and I think I'll decline." Clinton chuckles, "Oh no no, can't the President of the United States give a citizen a private tour of the White House?" She finally accepts, and they spend the whole day touring the White House with Clinton as her guide. At the end of the tour Clinton says, "Ending the tour, I'll lead you to the Presidential Clock." She enters the Oval Office and Clinton closes the door behind them, takes off his pants. "Mr. President! That's not the Presidential Clock! That's the Presidential ****!!" Clinton smirks, "Well if you put a hand and a face on it..."
I guess to narrow down his inventory to what she had -ah hem- in her...i don't know dude, its a delayed reaction joke, I'll just go post a good one in you thread!
I know this is old, but here goes. A Texan was sent to hell one day after his death. The Devil decided to punish him and asked if he was hot. Texan: Naw, it's pretty comfortable. Just like Texas in the Spring. The devil decides to turn the heat up a little and asks the same question. Texan: It's warmer, but i'm fine, it's like Texas in June. Once again, the devil repeats the process. Texan: It's just like home in August. The devil decides to reverse things and turns the temperature to a freezing temperature. The Texan begins rejoicing. The devil had enough and asked how he was still jumping for joy. Texan: The Astros just won a playoff series!!!
One evening there was a plane flying from New York to L.A. The flight went fine until about an hour into it, when the plane hit a patch of rough weather. The passengers felt a bit of turbulence, and something seemed to shake the side of the plane. The pilot's voice came on the loudspeaker, "Sorry, folks, we hit a rough spot and one of our engines fell off. But don't worry, this plane doesn't need all four of its engines to fly. It can fly fine with only three. We will just be arriving at our destination an hour later." The passengers had just settled back down when another storm was encountered, and it shook the plane. The pilot said, "Can you believe this happened again? Looks like we lost one more engine. But that's all right, this plane can fly with only two. We will just be two hours late getting to our destination." As the plane was (slowly) flying over the Rocky mountains, it hit a disturbance and the passengers felt a jarring sensation and heard a strange noise. Soon they heard a familiar voice, "Guess what, folks, we just lost another engine. But they make these planes now so that it can fly with only one engine. This just means that we will be getting in three hours late." By this point, everyone was pretty irritated. A woman on the plane blurted out, "If we lose one more engine we're going to be up here all night!"
