The drinking thing with the counselor reminded me of a friend of mine. Her boyfriend wanted to go to counseling so she went. She has a masters in art history and for in the education department of a museum. He is a manager of a car rental store. So during the therapy the counselor asks what they do and then jumps on my friend because the arts are not practical and she can't have a grounded relationship if she thinks she can live in the arts. Then she starts talking about artists and musicians she has known that have all been failures (or course my firend is not an artist or musician). It sounded like a good time. Well, my friend is stupid and just sat there and took it but I would have had a good time. PS - Jeff, your mom is a relaxation therapist? How did I not know that? Does she want to work with me for free because I am such a great guy, have let you beat me a few times in basketball, and because your dad gave me a wedding present and she wants to one-up him? I farily recently got over a year long "health issue" that very well might have been related to how my body deals with stress.
Man, all true except for my back... it makes it worse! Funny how I don't notice that when bouncing around with my sweetie.
This is nuts. And this is why I avoid these threads. Why can't you go see her family on weekends every few months? I would never go far on a weeknight. Why do you have to go to Philadelphia with her? Can't she do some things by herself? That sounds like a every few years thing to me. Yall just agree to a set a time table of how often you will do these things. Compromise, make some deals. Get a piece of paper and figure it all out. Does she expect you to love all of her family members as much as she does? That's unrealistic. That's what in-laws are all about. This **** is completely normal. Yall just need to keep very good senses of humor about each other's family and the way you feel about them. Good luck. Now I am promising to never post in this thread again.
Most of our issues are definitely ones that came up after we were married. Through the Catholic Church, we were required to spend time with a sponsor couple where we discussed our concerns and any issues we had with each other. It's not like we just decided to get married with no deliberation at all.
RM95, I'm still wishing you the best on this. It seems both of you are working to get this resolved and that's the best you can hope for. No matter the planning, every marriage is going to have it's rough stretches, if you can get through them they don't seem so hectic in hindsight.
After reading so much, and witnessing so many divorces in my life, I can honsetly say that marriage scares the living **** out of me. Stay single. Thats my new motto..... Have a girlfriend for life.
or girlfriends by committee... girl to have dinner with girl to go out with girl to get freaky with mon, tues, wed, girlfriend.... thur, fri, sat, girlfriend... sunday....stay at home..watch football all day...no girlfriend... kinda like RB by committee hehehehehe
So, we've been doing the couples counseling for about two months now. First off, I think it can be a good foundation for us to begin communicating effectively. If this works out, our time in counseling will have really helped. Unfortunately, she kept bringing up the separation thing and I've been adamently against that from day one. However, last week, she brought it up again and even said that it wouldn't be for a month, just a couple weeks to try and clear her head. We've been having really good times together, but I can't help it on some nights when I'm sad about the situation or the fact that she's just not ready to be affectionate yet. When that happens, instead of us having a good time or being able to focus on her, she feels guilty and feels like she has to reassure me constantly. So, starting last Wednesday, we haven't been staying at the apartment at the same time. She's there from Sunday-Wednesday and I'm there from Thursday-Saturday. This week I went to Austin to see her best friend and to hang out with other friends to go to the Widespread show. While it was a nice distraction, I can't help but feel like this is the beginning of the end. I didn't call her all weekend and only called her for the first time this morning. Of course, she sounded like talking to me was the last thing she wanted to do (that probably had more to do with her being late for work and trying to get out the door), so I've been a mess all day. I did see her later today so she could bring me some pain pills (been having some back issues lately) and she said she appreciates me not calling and that she just needs this time to clear her head. I trust her, I really do, but it's just the pessimist in me that feels that this is just her way of starting to end it. Everyone I talk to that knows her says a) she's not a quitter and b) if she wanted to end it, she would, so that makes me feel better. Especially since the issues we have are so entirely fixable and that I really see a much better relationship in our future once we get past this. The thing I hate the most about this is that all I want to be is alone. My friends are great, they've all been very supportive throughout this time. They've all opened their homes to me to stay when my wife's at the apartment. I just want to go home, watch TV and talk to or see no one. On the other hand, I think it's important that no one moves out of the apartment. Even though I'm hating every second of it, this is the only kind of separation I could handle. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I need to keep my head up and continue working on what I need to do to be a better husband. I need to think positively about the situation because I'm not sure what I'm going to do if she decides to end it. She's been a part of my life ever since I've moved back to Houston. There's not one part of this town that doesn't make me think of her. I'm pretty sure a quick move will be in my future if we do end up divorced. The only problem is where I would go. Austin's the same way and Dallas is Dallas. Chicago is the place where some of our problems started in a weird sort of way and most other places I can think of either have good memories with my wife or I've never been. Boise, Idaho, anyone? Seriously, I think it'd be Santa Cruz to live close to my sister. But like I said, I don't need to think about that. Ugh.
Keep your head up RM95. I know you have friends all over, but if you're in Austin and want to hang, give me a holla. I come to Houston from time to time and will hit you up if a fresh face will do ya some good (even if it is just my ugly mug!)
The seperation thing sounds like a real bummer. I don't think there is anyway that you can stop that from bothering you. It is a bummer. For whatever happens I hope it will be for the best. I hope that the communication has been opened up. I am not sure why it would take that long for her to clear her head, and it seems like it would be great for you guys to use your communication to help her sort through those issues, but what do I know. Anyway, worrying won't help, even though it is impossible not to. Just try and stay balanced, and roll with the changes as best you can. I'll send good thoughts and prayers your way.
If it is any solace, RM, the things you write sound fairly healthy for a couple-in-crisis; there is flameout crisis vs. healthy transition crisis, and yours, to me, sounds pretty okay. I know you're dispirited, but to my objective eyes (I have a masters in a mental health field, but by no means a couples expert....) i think you guys are going to be okay. I think there is a little bit of the "if you believe it, it will happen" thing to couples - conceptually, they whole leap of faith thing is hard, but when push comes to shove, i think couples can work most things out if they want to and believe they can. Of course, the belief that you can do it stems from sort of success, some sort of evidence that you can work it out - which is a Catch-22. My advice is to think very very small. You did great over the weekend - stick with that. Build on it, even if it is super small. It's like this - if you're Tracy McGrady's and your shot is off (just a hypothetical, of course), i would say you start with layups. Or even dribbling a little. Just break it back down to its most basic fundmental level. Dont go shooting threes just yet. Start from scratch - layups, free throws, jumpers, threes. Depressurize the process as much as you can - if you can find any sense of humor, jump on that. Take some time to be independent, try to find a good place to process all this stuff, but in a contained way - try to keep some distractions or activities or friendships clear of the mess, just because a breather can be really useful. And dont necessarily take the bait of getting close every opportunity - you can be a little coy. It might actually, strategically, help - dont be a pecker to her, but no need to smother her either. If she sounds weird on the phone, or looks at you funny, or seems distant, honestly, it is okay - it is to be expected. The best way to steer the car back on course is to set an example. If you can appear to be relaxed, optimistic, give space, genial and smart, it will make a difference. Even if you have to fake it a little. You guys are going to be alright, dude. Good job on going to counselling.
I really appreciate it, MM. It ain't that ugly! Yeah, man, just let me know. I think my contact info has changed since we last spoke, though. mblakegifford@yahoo.com or if you have Myspace, you can see mine in my sig. Thanks for the thoughts. Thanks to you as well. My wife really values her alone time and just doesn't have as much of it lately. I really do believe when she says she loves me and that if she wanted to end it she would have. I think she just wants this time to not have to worry about how I'm feeling about all of this and she can really focus on herself. I agree that it seems like a long time, but it's certainly better than the few months she was talking about in September.
CBFB, You rock. That just made me feel tons better. That's the thing, Friday I was exactly that. I told her I was excited about this time because if I'm to trust what she tells me, that this is really the begining of the end of this part of our marriage. Next comes the putting it into practice. I told her how optimistic I was about what's next. I even joked about how stubborn I am and that all her recent suggestions about what we should do are right, even if it takes me a while to figure it out. The one thing I've been doing since last week (outside of a really bad her-pushing-my-buttons argument that I won't even post here because a) I know what everyone's going to say and they're probably right, but b) I'm in a huge Catch-22 about it) is whenever I'm talking to her or seeing her, I have that happy face on so she doesn't have to hear me say I'm miserable. Even though she knows I'm not happy about this, she appreciates me doing that.
Yeah you are right, and I understand. It makes sense. I like alone time as well, so I understand where she is coming from. With my wife's and my schedule I usually get enough alone time. Good luck man.
Rocketman95, It may sound funny, but do you workout? Anytime I had anxiety or consfusion about relationships, I would workout intensely. The endorphins really help clear your mind and even settle emotions; and it's important to think about your issues while exercising. It allowed me to achieve a relaxed state and have faith in things working out the way they are supposed to, and allow me to let it happen. I also got in d*mn good shape. Good Luck.
