We actually talked about that last night. I have been clingy the past week or so, but we both realize that it's because of the situation we're in. I haven't been clingy at all in the previous three years and one month of our relationship and don't plan on being that way any more going forward.
Drinking may not be a problem, but it says you'd rather drink on a week night than go see her parents, which might be hard for non- or social drinkers to understand. Now if you tell her you'd rather stay home and do dishes, laundry, vacuum and clean the bathroom, I'm sure she'd rather you stay home
So...you wanna grab some beers & catch the Stros game tonight? Seriously, yall need anything, let us know.
She is working tonight... Absolutely it does. I completely understand her frustrations in that regard.
The summer before last, during a long trip to the Northeast with the 2 kids (way too long with the kids... 2 weeks max, next time), we stopped in Philadelphia to visit my wife's uncle, a semi-retired Catholic priest. He has made an annual visit to see us, and other family members in Texas, every year for many years, mostly to play golf, always around the time of my birthday and our anniversary, and never asking us in advance if his schedule fit ours. He's a great guy, (except for having no concept of planning around us!) but I'm agnostic, and had to put up with years of him trying to give me little talks about the glories of his religion, based more on keeping my kids out of Hell, than anything else. What was the most frustrating is that he did it in such a nice and gentle way. You can imagine how great that was, (right!) until he gave up. (at least with me) So I was really not looking forward to staying 5 days at the quarters for visitors (the rectory) adjacent to his church, with priests out the kazoo, no wifi, no tv, yada, yada. Except for the wrecking of my back climbing 4 floors up to our rooms on the stairs, and back down again, numerous times, I had a groovy visit. The church, not much from the outside, turned out to be amazing inside, and over a hundred years old, with fantastic stained glass... the works. The other priests, unlike my sweetie's uncle, were moderate/liberal Catholic priests similar to those from the movies in the '30's. Great guys. They couldn't have been more generous. We went all over Philadelphia, and couldn't see a fraction of what I would have liked to have seen. It was my first visit there. I love history, and it's littered with it. The old section of the city is packed with art galleries, one of my favorite things to do, and great, great places to eat. Italian food you couldn't find in Texas if you tried. In short, we hated to leave, and would love to go back, although we wouldn't stay at the rectory again, but in a hotel (with those modern things we're used to, and elevators). RM95, you never know how these things will turn out until you try them on for size. And the countryside, which we didn't get to see much of, is beautiful. With any kind of planning, you could have a great trip, and make your lady very, very happy, IMO. And I think you'll end up wanting to do it again, even if you aren't crazy about her relatives. Just a thought.
i think your approach in this is more than admirable. you're extremely humble, willing to recognize where you've contributed to a problem. that's awesome and is a model for how we should approach all of our relationships.
I'm glad to hear that things went as well as they could go last night, RM95. I think you are doing the right thing by taking the high road and owning up to changing things instead of refusing to do so. I guess it is pride or ego but that is not always an easy thing to do.
I'm glad that the counseling is spurring ya'll to talk and to look at the actions, not just the words, behind what's going on - I would just be wary of either of you giving the counselor too much credence. The harping about the alcohol is worrisome. Too often, counselors look for something like that and become relentless about it. The counselor should be a facilitator for dialogue and reflection, not a social worker. Good luck man.
Damn.... late again to catch on to the good parts of the thread. Hope things are going well man. Relationships of any kind are muy difficult. And whats the deal with chicks always wanting to change the way you are? You knew I liked to drink beer and watch sports when you first met me...... In my situation: You knew I was in a band and liked to play music. Good luck dude.
So there are things about you that she wants to change, the things you've mentioned... She wants to change you, if she can't she hopes the counselor will change you. My wise grandfather once told me that as soon as people start trying to change one another then that is when things start going downhill. (he may or may not be right, i've never been married so I don't know). I think it shows a lot about your character and that you are the good guy in this situation when you said that there are things that bother you about her, but not so much that you'd make a big deal about it and end the relationship. Its kind of like a "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude. You love her for her, and you roll with it. RM95, my advice would be to make some changes, see how it works but don't become a complete puppet to your wife and the counselor. If there is something that they want you to do and you feel strongly about not doing it then stand up for what you believe in.
I don't know that it is a situation where she wants to change RM95. It isn't like when she first met him there was a possibility of going to MO. to the farm. That probably was an issue that came up later. It isn't like she saw him accross the room, and said to herself, "There is a guy who would never go to my grandparent's farm in MO. I bet if I married him I could get him to change, and if that won't work I will sucker a counselor into helping me." edit - I won't go into the long analysis of everything that has been discussed here. I think your willingness to work on it and adjust is a credit. I hope that adjustments from both of you bring a lot of happiness.
Good Luck RM95 ! Marriage is tough work, and it can be a rollar coaster for sure, ups and downs, but a thrill nonetheless. She sounds like she is REALLY close to her family, and you maybe not so much to yours, sounds like a clash in upbringings..... Keep her happy, she sounds like a nice lady......go to her parents house......that is not so tough....and Missouri can be fun, Riverboat gambling and FREE drinks DD
Wow, I don't know how I missed this thread. I wish I could offer advice, but I am woefully under experienced in the long term relationship area. I just want to wish you luck and hope that whatever happens, it's for the best.
I always wonder why these issues aren't addressed BEFORE you get married. I learned that lesson the hard way and I'm much more aware of it now, but it seemed like such a simple concept - actually discuss core issues. You talked about your compatibility rating. To be honest, that means pretty much jack when it comes to long-term relationships. Long-term relationships are about compromise and dealing with day-to-day life. It's IMPORTANT that you are compatible in terms of your personalities, but you could be the most compatible people in the world and not be able to survive a marriage if there is something between you that you can't resolve. It boils down to just how far you are each willing to stretch in order to accommodate the other. As for the drinking, honestly, that was a little out of line by the counselor. To jump from drinking a couple times a week and occassionally having a few too many to a 12-step program is nuts. I personally HATE the 12 steps anyway, so that immediately turned me off. As long as she doesn't bring it up again, sounds like she is doing the same things most counselors do and those can be very successful if practiced. Also, seriously, Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue is one of the best books I've ever seen on this topic. It really is very good.
Good post, and I agree with the "drinking" comment. Very off-base. My wife and I lived together, off and on, (more on than off, lol!) for 4 years before getting married. I highly recommend it. We figured out our issues pretty well that way, before making the legal commitment. I know that isn't for everyone, and I respect that, but I think it's a good idea.
