Good luck. Never give up, just think of the thirteen points Tmac scored in the last 30 seconds! There is always hope!
You only get out of it what you put into it...Counseling will not solve everything, but it should help you figure out if its worth working out or not... It's interesting the love or lust comments...I think they say its the 7 year itch...I'm divorced and yeah, I think I'm still looking for the balance between love and lust...If someone has it in there minds its missing or gone, then its over...When truly, its there, you just have to search and work for it... Good luck and hope you both find what you're looking for...
Seriously, RM95, I could post maybe the longest post in the history of the BBS here to offer all my insight and guidance from my years of experience in a wonderful relationship that, ultimately, failed, but it would all just be guesswork since I don't really know your relationship or how it all breaks down for you and your wife. All I really feel like I can offer is this... Keep your mind open to all possibilities. Keep your heart open to your feelings. Work as hard on your own issues as you work on the issues with the relationship. And remember that your life is nothing more than a mirror of your life experience, but it is also completely changeable if that's what you want. Best of luck.
I think the best thing for him is for us to post our own stories and not try and analyze his situation. We don't know all the details of his situation nor should we, but posting our situations, whether similar or not will make him realize that he isn't alone and that it happens to or will happen to almost all of us at one time or another in our lives.
All it is impossible for me to know what is going on in your wife's mind. I just hope that she and you are both open to the experience, and that good will come of it. You have nothing to lose by trying it. Go in, try, and do your best. Hope that your wife does the same. If it works then it was well worth it. If it doesn't work it was already broken in a way that you couldn't help, and this help push that towards its ultimate resolution. Just be honest, explain how her actions or lack of actions or whatever make you feel to the therapist as honestly as you possibly can. It may take some time, but at least you aren't just wallowing in a bad situation. Some action is being taken and that is good whether it is more or less painful in the meantime.
I hope counseling works out for you. I have no experience with marriage counseling, but I think stress relief counseling is a bunch of BS
My mom has done it for 40 years and been very successful both with couples and individuals not just for stress relief but for all sorts of things. When practiced correctly and when the parties involved are committed to its success, therapy can be extremely beneficial. That's true of basically anything.
Well, we went to our first session yesterday. I have mixed feelings about how it went. My wife is thinking that it might be too late to fix our problems and she's wary of that happening since I've promised before to change some things, but haven't followed through. Basically, she says she doesn't want to go through all this if I'm just going to do the same things I've been doing that have caused problems in our relationship. She freely admits her mistakes in the marriage as well, so it's not all one-sided. The only difference is I'm not at the point where her mistakes have me considering ending the relationship. What I didn't like about it at first was the reflective listening technique the counselor uses. Basically, we each get a turn to say what bothers us. After I speak for 30 seconds about something that is bothering me or something I want to change about the relationship, my wife then repeats what I said. It helps in that both parties must actually listen to what the other is saying, but it took some getting used to. I would prefer a normal discussion about our problems and concerns, but I can see how this may help down the road. We actually discussed more about what was really bothering her last night after the session, so I know what needs to be done on my end. It's not about changing my personality or her's, it's about changing the actions. For example, I really don't like going to see her parents who live in The Woodlands. It has nothing to do with her parents as I love them both, it's more that we typically go on a weekday night when I'm tired from doing both my jobs and want nothing more than to relax at home. Of course, she doesn't see it that way. Also, I've never been to see her grandparents in Philadelphia and the only time I've seen her other set at their farm in Missouri, I was in some definite culture shock and didn't the greatest of times. Therefore, I haven't wanted to go back. Since she absolutely loves it up there, she has concerns that if she wants to spend a lot of time up there, she wants me to come with her and I haven't shown a willingness to do that. My main problem with the counselor was that she tried to harp on the fact that I drink a couple nights a week, as I indicated on some of the paperwork we had to complete. It completely caught me off guard when she asked me if I would be willing to do a 12-step program for my drinking. My wife had not even brought that up as a concern. I told her I would be willing to quit drinking if my wife felt it was a problem, but that in no way do I feel like I have a drinking problem. I like to have some beers while watching the games. I don't wake up in the morning and take a shot of Jack to get me going. I don't drink every night or necessarily binge drink when I do. She brought it up a couple other times and my wife finally said that, while I've done some stupid stuff when I was drinking, that it wasn't the problem in the relationship. Thanks for letting me type this out. It really is cathartic to do so. I think I'm a little more hopeful today than I was at this time yesterday. We're seeing the counselor at least six more times, so hopefully we will have a good foundation on which to rebuild our relationship into a much healthier one than it has been.
Just my opinion and please don't take it as anymore than that, you have to show an interest in her family. Even if it annoys the **** out of you, you have to show an interest. Make visiting her family the compromise that you make in your relationship. We all have to do stuff that we do not like to make a relationship work. Trust me, it is much easier than the alternative. I do not wish divorce on anyone. If you have to make the trip out to The Woodlands once a week and go visit grandma in Pennsylvania once a year, do it. That seems like a pretty easy compromise to make your marriage better. Also when you do it, don't b**** about it or throw it in her face that you did it. Make her think that you were happy to do it. I know that that there is more to it than that but those little things add up whether it is in a positive or negative way.
i think relationships start going downhill when couples start getting TOO comfortable around each other. first, you accidently burp in front of your SO, then you do it on purpose b/c you realize you can get away with it. then, you accidently fart (i'm being serious so stay with me) and it's ok you realize your SO won't leave you for it, so you start doing it on purpose. After awhile, all the disgusting things you ever did as a child resurface and now neither of your don't care. you don't clean your nails, she doesn't put on make-up. you don't care that you don't match, she's wearing granny-panties. you both start gaining weight b/c you're comfortable with each other. so what happens? you start taking each other for granted. spontaniety is gone and everything is predictable. you say you'll never leave each other so why should either of you work hard to keep one another? your lives become a routine istead of an adventure. and by that time, it's too late.
Absolutely, man. I love her entire family, it's not an issue of that. I know exactly what I need to do in that regard. I've already put on hold a Vegas trip we were going to take on Thanksgiving to go see her grandparents in Missouri. They also always go up to Philadelphia the weekend around St. Patrick's Day, which as some of you may know, is my favorite four days of the year, so I've never gone. I will definitely be going this year.
You know, there is some truth to this, a lot actually...I remember my ex watched Oprah one time and when I came home, she was dressed up...I was like, do we have a dinner or something and she said no, after watching the show, she realized she didn't dress up or anything, and wanted to make sure she was still sexy...crazy women...Yeah, we also bought the t-shirt sheets, which I have and actually do love them... As for the counseling session, I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason, however, if you truly love her, exhaust all options before throwing it all away... Sounds to me like you need to suck it up and go on these family trips...hell, even a drive to the Woodlands would do wonders and act like you're "delighted" to be there...The drinking thing is weird,but if your' counselor is a woman, that's understandable...Women...You may need to take a weekend to "re-connect" and re-discover what you love about one another...Some R&R is always a good thing...
Not to pile on but, I'd agree with MB (how's fishing?). See if you can't find a weekend slot to visit the parents or a Friday night (where you can sleep in the next day). And pretend that trips to a MO farm are like visiting a foreign land. You are part of her life and she's trying to share those parts you didn't see before marriage. Plus it sounds like that is something she really enjoys like we enjoy the Rockets only much deeper. Don't ask her to give them up. And to ask her to go alone is like saying you don't want to be a part of her whole life - you don't care. Reason for divorse? No. But find the little things that can get you through these requests. And just to forwarn you, don't keep count of "I did this for you so you need to this for me". You do it because you love her - it has no value than what it is. Keep going and see where this leads. Otherwise, just like if I had a serious illness, I'd see another Dr for their insight.
Trust me, she's done enough for me that I'd have to keep counting for a long time. Don't get me wrong, a lot of times I haven't gone with her because she didn't press the issue. She's especially proud of how independent she is when it comes to us. She's not clingy in anyway and doesn't need the daily reassurances that I've seen from other girls in my relationships. I took that and thought she wouldn't mind me not going to these places with her. Not anymore. Thanks for the advice, guys.
It sounds like some things were made clearer about the problems each of you had. At least now you guys can make a course of action and attemt to rectify the problems.
are YOU clingy? i'm not saying that in an accusatory manner, just wondering. just be honest abou it. even married people can get clingy to their spouse and it's just as annoying and unattractive. maybe that's a reason she wants to get away.
OK Jeff....I'll give it a try: When practiced correctly and when the parties involved are committed to its success, nude whipped-cream wrestling can be extremely beneficial. Thanks. I needed that.
RM95....good luck with the therapy. I hope everything works out for you and the Mrs. Y'all make a great couple.
