DAMN. I hope everybody's happy in the end and you don't "D". Damn you, online dating. RM95... do you mind telling us what service you used?? I keed... I keed...
RM95, I hope for the best for you and your wife.. I'm sure you will do what's best for her and yourself, but keep in mind if it isn’t working after a few tries don’t pretend to be happy when you really aren’t.. Always stay true to yourself and your feelings and don’t try to hide them and don’t stay in a relationship even if you keep telling yourself you can make it work or hide from your true feelings.. Good luck bro!!
Jeebus Creebus....RM95 you've got my support. Please let me know if you need a boys night out or refreshments or just someone to talk to. I would say let's meet at BW3 for an Astros game but the way they are playing it might be even more depressing. Hang in there. Y'all make a great couple.
RM95, I hope things get better for the both of you. I'm not a big fan of counseling, but I know it works for some. I wish you the best. I don't buy into that. My wife and myself each came from divorced parents. I feel we have a stonger relationship because we know what can be lost and we both work for "us" rather than our induvidual selves. 14 years later, we're as strong of a couple as we ever have been.
Best of luck to you RM 95. My wife and I went to some pre-marriage couple's counseling, because I heard it was a good idea regardless. It was good, in that I am not real touchy feely when it comes to relationship communication. We went for about 6 weeks. The counselor basically just set up an avenue to make communication easier. She never let it turn into a one sided affair. I think my wife had a very minor case of Giddy's ex had with the person not only focusing on me, but also on changes that she needed to make, or be aware of. Bringing up old arguments to hold against you wasn't allowed. You could even mention that to your counselor as a problem you have. Basically counseling is like an organized framework where you guys can smoothe out problems. More than focusing on a solution for each problem(though there is some of that) both people are made aware of how their actions affect their spouse. In many cases that is the solution, and both sides work harder to be more considerate, and improve the relationship. My advice is to go, but don't get sucked in to continuing to go once you think you have things hammered out. Part of their job, is to keep working on problems and get you guys to keep going, even after the original reasons for going have been put behind you. If you want to keep going, then that is fine, but just be aware that that can happen.
Thanks again for all the advice and support guys. I'm positive we'll make it through this rough spot even better than before. We did the Catholic Church pre-marriage counseling and the priest that married us said he'd never seen a couple so compatible based on the results of a test we had to take. Our sponsor couple said the same thing after our meetings with them. FWIW, she comes from parents who have been married nearly 25 years (her Mom was 17 when she had her). We are generally a happy couple. Once she returned home last night (she had to run to work after the fight that spawned my original post), we had a great dinner, watched Lost together and joked around like usual. We just both need to learn how to fight, if that makes any sense. We both know what exact buttons to push to get an extreme reaction out of each other and that's not healthy. I'm sure that's something a professional can help us work on. If she mentions counseling again, I'll do it. There's really no reason not to do so based on some of the responses here. Once again, thanks for the kind words guys. And RMTex, Astros can never be depressing with the rolling party palace!!!
You know this sounds like typical marital issues, and it is ironic how sometimes we treat the people we love worse than we do strangers. Learning how to fight - or rather - discuss is vital...... Good luck RM.....you are not alone ! DD
RM95, Sorry to hear that you are having some problems but I am glad that things have seemed to get better. I know exactly how you feel, except my wife has already told me that she isn't a big fan of counseling. I did find something on the Net yesterday that looked interesting and cost only $47 - email me at jfyoung@charter.net if you want to look into it. I also know what you mean about fighting fairly. My wife and me have seemed to be fighting a lot more in the last week or so then the whole time we have been together. She has some baggage and it has caused her to be extremely defensive when I question her on something. I, on the other hand, have never been good at communicating my feelings in the best way, so a lot of times, I keep things inside. So, it is not a good thing at all. That is probably been the hardest thing about being married for me - learning how to argue and/or disagree with my wife without things turning ugly or nasty. However, I believe that you try everything you can before you throw in the towel. I am constantly telling myself that I am with this person for the long haul and that no one is going anywhere. Of course, the danger is that there may come a time where one and/or both people are absolutely miserable being with each other. My wife told me the other night that she would never leave me even if she was completely miserable (I, on the other hand, don't know if I would take it that far). I've been talking to my parents a lot lately (more than usual) and that has helped. They'll be married 41 years at the end of December and my dad told me that he and my mom fought quite a bit when they were dating and the first 2 years or so of them being married. I know it is not a fun thing and it can be downright scary (I've already had several of those moments where I was like this isn't going to work), but it is normal. I liked Voodoo's suggestion about staying positive. When you and your wife get in a fight again, try to exercise patience with her. Try to talk to her calmly and rationally and say something like "I don't want to discuss this until you have calmed down". Also try to think of things about her that you enjoy or love about her - it will probably help you not be resentful towards her. And let her be the immature one on "keeping score" about past wrongs you have done. Show her that you are the more mature person by not stooping to that level. One thing, I can tell you because I've already experienced, is that when you start to feel resentment towards your wife, it can absolutely eat away at you and make you feel miserable. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!!! And I wouldn't worry about thinking things like "Did I make a terrible mistake?" or "Did I wind up with the wrong person?" Everybody goes through that at one time or another - lord knows I have! I think you and your wife will be fine - there are some things that need to be worked on and if she still wants you to go to counseling, then you should consider it. Just be careful like FranchiseBlade was talking about. I like you, RM95, and I was so happy when you got married. I'll keep you in your wife in my prayers.
RM95, you are screwed. my marriage is absolutely perfect and we never fight, what the hell is wrong with you? i would just call off the whole thing because love and marriage she be all bliss all the time. seriously though, i just use my tremendous capacity for guilt to blame it all on myself. i crawl into a metaphorical deep dark hole and feel like my wife and children are the only things worth living for. okay, okay, really, i am sorry you're struggling. if you love each other you'll do whatever it takes to make it work. it's not whether you do counseling or not but wether you are both willing to make whatever changes or compromises are necessary. doesn't sound to me like you are willing to give up without a fight. i don't know either of you, obviously, but you don't strike me as a quitter. good luck, get it solved.
the whole counselling thing went over pretty well in my marriage. i'll sound like a hypocrite saying this, but you need to know i'm only ever messing around in other threads when i bag my sex life/wife/marriage. Marriage was the best thing to ever happen to me. early on there was some problems with communication and the like. Actually it was my wife who found it hard to be open verbally, and I was a possibly a little too open and couldnt understand her situation. she also suffered from what you could definetely call a form of depression , even if just a mild case. But working through our problems, which included several sessions with a counsellor from our church, proved to be the spur for what today is just a very happy overall marriage. When you love one another enough to get married, there has to be things worth holding onto. You owe it to each other to AT LEAST have a crack at working your issues through. It can make you closer than ever.
The thing I learned over my 26 years of marriage is that the vast, vast majority of the time our disagreements are about trivial stuff that neither of us truly cares about in the long run. To that end, my style (for lack of a better word) is to not argue and also not be condescending about it. I try to just let the matter drop. I am fairly agreeable to things because for the most part, why get hyped up over inconsequential stuff. I cannot remember the last time one of our disagreements lasted over 2 minutes. Obvisouly I do not know your situation or the cause of your disagreements and there are important things that need to be decided upon. If she insists on couples counseling, you might as well go through with it because she may continue to harp on it. As you observed, you have the opportunity to show your displeasure over her bringing up the past in a neutral setting. Good luck!
Getting on this thread kinda late. Sorry to hear about that stuff RM...... I hear ya on the laudry list of things that Ive done that piss off my girl. Its like they have a rolodex in their brains of every single thing you have done - and there is NEVER any forgiving or forgetting. It blows.
This only works if both people are willing participants...There will be a he said she said session, but if you both want it to work, it'll help... Good luck and just remember, only you know how to be happy...
