does she come from divorced parents? maybe she thinks counseling is the only answer to these situations because that's all she knows. but what do i know, my longest relationship was just barely over a year... best of luck, though.... i'm sure yall will settle this soon and get back to some good ol' fashioned babymaking..... minus the baby, of course.
Agreed. If you can't be convinced that outside help will save the marriage, then it will never work, no matter what. You have to be willing to accept counseling for it to work for you.
Man, sorry to hear that RM95. When my first marriage was struggling, my wife thought that counseling would help so I let her pick the counselor. We went three times then went on vacation. My wife cancelled the rest of our sessions. Turns out that she had buyer's remorse when the focus was turned onto her unreasonable behavior rather than mine. About two years later we split up. If you want it to have any chance, you need to let her pick the counselor in my opinion.
Good luck working it out. You know I'm pulling for you both. My wife and I were having a hard time of it earlier this year. New house that she hates, debt, kids, crappy jobs, etc, etc. We worked it out by refusing to get negative when we had a disagreement. I know it sounds like the simpleton approach but for some reason it worked for us. Stay positive.
codell, my impulse is to agree with you, but counseling works for some people, and doesn't work for others. I admit that we never did it, and perhaps never needed it, although if I repeated some of the stuff we went through, there would be some eyes popping from some of you who've lived relatively sheltered lives. We both lived pretty wild before, and after we met, especially me. I was the original "crazy hippie free love party animal" of Southeast Houston and Montrose. Oh yes. Parties you wouldn't believe, various combinations of... well, nevermind. It's no coincidence that we waited until 40 to have kids. We were having too much fun, and seriously considered blowing the whole kid thing off. Had blown it off, then we got loaded in San Marcos, at a bar, talked about it for the first time in a long time, and changed our minds. (which was good!) Anyway, I've watched many couples, many of them very good friends, or closer than that, in one way or another, go through couple problems. I can honestly say I've never seen a correlation between counseling and a couple staying together. Now maybe some of you have. Maybe many of you have. But every couple I've known that had problems who had counseling broke up eventually. And several of the ones who didn't stayed together. Go figure. Hell, maybe you shouldn't read my posts on the subject, RM95. I'm sure a whole lot of folks will disagree with my observation.
If she keeps pestering you about the counseling, it isn't going to go away. She wants to try it. Might as well give it a try, and if you think it is indeed stupid, then tell her you tried it, and think it's pointless(and why). But do go into it with an open mind. I think it's weird, fwiw, but whatever, she's your wife so you have to meet her halfway sometime.
Yeah, I don't really have in problems with my marriage, but men need to stop fooling themselves and realize that women are superior. Not only do they remember everything and know when to use it most effectively, but they also have the power of sex that, when used correctly, can bring any man to his knees in tears. My favorite, though, is my dear wife. Not only does she excel at punishing me in a variety of new and inventive ways, constantly keep me guessing by changing the rules of the game, but (anyone else chip in if they have met a similar master) mostly I can never be mad at her. Well, internally I can be but I am not allowed to externally be mad at her. She can work the situation such that If I am mad at her it is really she that is mad at me. I lose. It is awesome.
I have the advantage of having a very good memory, so if my wife starts in on something from long ago, I've got far more on her. But, fortunately, we don't really fight like that. When I was married the first time, my then-wife and I went to counseling a few times. I didn't care for it because it really came across as an ambush of me, sometimes to the point of riduculousness (I remember getting slammed for paying all our bills on time during one session. I'm not sure how that got twisted into a bad thing). The thing was, having over 15 years of hindsight and being able to see the kinds of people my ex-wife and I are and our fundamental differences in outlook, there's really no way we could've ended up happy with each other over the long haul. So, the counseling was just trying to put a band-aid on a gaping chest wound. With my current wife, it seems like that if we had issues, we could go to counseling and talk about them and at least try to get them solved... or at least improved. So far, the issues we've had are things we've been able to talk about and mostly solve on our own, but I can see how having an impartial third party could help guide us to the real issues if that becomes necessary. So, if you can find the right counselor that both of you feel comfortable with, I think it could be beneficial.
This is a great post. My first thought on the whole couples counseling is to ask your wife, in a moment when you aren't fighting, that what happens if the counselor doesn't side with her on the issues the two of you are having. It seems to me that many people get dragged into couples counseling because their partners think that the therapist will side with them on everything. My impression is that some people don't want to fix things, they just want to be right.
Sorry to hear about your marital troubles, man. My wife and I have been together since 1998 and married since 2001. We have very similar personalities...we are hotheaded sometimes and can have some knock down, drag out verbal brawls if we are both in the wrong mood. Those moods are happening less and less in our marriage because we both have recognized that the impulse to win the argument, or feel vindicated is destructive to the relationship. We had to consciously reach that point where we realized that those desperate argument hail-marys of past wrongs just makes things into a cycle of crud. If she has it in her mind that counseling is good for the marriage there is no reason that avenue can't be explored. I think the main thing is for you both to accept each other for who you both are and build from there. Oh, and give her as many orgasms as you can!
Here's what I learned from my one long relationship and every other one I've been in... Whatever you have in a relationship you bring into it with you. If you have a problem in normal life, whatever it is, it will only be magnified in an intimate relationship. The relationship won't fix your insecurities or your anger problems or your drinking or your fear of committment or whatever. In fact, it will only bring those problems out to a greater degree because relationships of a very close nature are designed to put all that stuff in front of us so we can solve it. If you don't fix it with this one, you'll have the same problems with the next one. They may manifest in different ways, but they'll show up one way or another. I have found myself, throughout my life, repeating EXACTLY the same relationship situations over and over. Some I'm able to fix and some continue right along with me. I hope to get rid of all of them before I'm 80.
Now, that's out of my system...on counseling... My mom works with couples as well as individuals and I've been through couples counseling. Any good therapist will NEVER EVER allow one side of the relationship to be berated by the other. Problems in a relationship are NEVER EVER one-sided. It may SEEM like they are, but it ALWAYS takes two to tango. Any good counselor will offer suggestions to help you relate better to one another and diffuse difficult situations. They don't tell you how to fix anything. They just offer you a different perspective and techniques to help when problems arise. You have to decide if it is worth it to change the behavior and go from there. To be completely honest, pick up a copy of Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue." It really is very good.
If I remember you're not religious, and really, I'm more eastern-spiritual than traditional christian, but here's a really good guy at my church. The Rev'd John W. Price, Palmer Memorial Episcopal Church. I can give his cell and email if you like. He's being a priest for free, it's not his job anymore. He's in his 70s. Episcopal church - liberal theology, Eastern philosophy and psychology bent. He has a lot of respect for the unconscious, the things you know, without logic, and for treating people with fundemental respect. The price is right. I think I'll talk to him some myself, about my own ...thing.
Dude. I thought you were, like, the happiest couple... Of course, like they say, every relationship runs into problems eventually. If she wants to try counseling and it would help her feel better, it's worth a shot. (maybe the counselor will end up telling her not to keep bringing up old wrongs, and then she'll have heard it from a third party) It sounds like it might actually be beneficial in your situation, since maybe you caught the problems early. I had a long-term relationship, including marriage, that I was ultimately not able to stay with. I feel bad that I had to do that. He was a pretty strange guy and given to passive-aggressive behavior, and acknowledged very little responsibility for the situation. He just was not trying and was barely even there. By the time we went to a counselor, I was already probably beyond being able to really give him a chance unless he had shown some significant signs of turning around, fast. He put on his little angel halo when we went to the counselor's and acted a lot more cooperative in front of her than when we were by ourselves. I just tried to open up dialogue and help him get what he needed and talk about it, but he didn't like that. I wasn't too impressed with the two counselors that we tried. I feel like they just used their "bag of counseling school" tricks instead of addressing the situation. On the other hand, two actual people who really love each other and are really trying could benefit much more. I'll see how I do from here on out, without my ex in the picture, and how I handle relationships from this point on. I don't want to be in a divorce situation again. From what little I do know outside of that one bad relationship, when people who love each other fight, the fight can never last long because the relationship is too important to both of them. I think I'm finally getting to learn how things are supposed to work in healthy relationships. RM95, I really hope things work out for you guys, since it seemed so right for so long. I wanted to believe in your happy ending. I do know the best partners are true friends, and that arguments can ultimately bring true friends closer. Good luck and give the counseling thing a try before you build up too much resentment. You might want to try giving yourself some set aside time to talk to each other about specific things. People are so busy these days that sometimes they don't do that.
Rocketman, I have absolutely nothing to contribute to this thread, except for the fact that I am truly sorry for your situation, and I hope everything works out. And with that said, I am truly sorry for this post, but Kim, where have you been?!
RM95 - sorry you're going through this. you're in my prayers. as for advice...i think jeff is right. i don't think a good counselor is gonna allow one side to just go off on you. they're trying to create a comfortable environment where things can be said "safely."
RM95, I'm very sorry to hear that you're having a rough spot in your marriage. I've only been married about a year longer than you and it is scary to think about problems with my wife that are so bad that we would consider divorce. I don't really have any advice, except to point out that if your wife wants to go into counseling it's probably a good sign, because at least it shows she values your relationship enough to put some effort into working on it.
RM95, I am sorry you are having issues, and counseling can't hurt, right? However, there are good counselors and bad ones, make sure you get a good one, do some research talk to people who have actually been helped before finding one for you guys. Putting 2 independent people into a dependent relationship can be bumpy, but I think the grandma in the movie "Parenthood" said it best. "I like the rollar coaster" DD
