Couples Counseling

Well, we both talked separately with my brother and sister in-law last night. My brother is the perfect person to talk to about this because a) while he is my brother, he knows my wife very well and b) he's not one to sugar coat things. Basically, there is hope, but I'm very lucky there is. I have a small window of opportunity to start putting my past words into actions. I just have to start showing my wife that she's the most important thing in the world to me and stop saying it. It'll be a long hard road, but it's one I want to walk down because she is the most important thing I've ever had in my life. I have to re-prioritize my life at this point in order to show her that. That doesn't mean I'm changing who I am, it simply means that I've screwed up so much up to this point, that everything else in my life must take a backseat to my wife. It has to always be that way, meaning everything else should take a backseat to my marriage, but there really needs to be a drastic change at this point.

Wish me luck. And trust me, this is something I absolutely want to do, not some desperation attempt to save my marriage. Even if, God forbid, it's too late, I need to understand what it takes to make any future relationship work.

 

That may be what it sounds like and honestly, that's probably how it is. Like I said, typically it takes two to tango, but I imagine her biggest role in this is letting my actions go on as long as she had without putting her foot down. I've been incredibly selfish and haven't shown the love to my wife that she deserves. The only time she stopped showing it to me was when she reached the boiling point, so to speak.

Right now, it's on me to show that she is the most important thing to me in my life. She's shown to me that I am much more often than not. Once I show her on a consistent basis, she will continue to show me. If I don't and it's just another case of talking the talk, but not walking the walk, then she has no reason to do so.

I'm trying not to beat myself up over it anymore. It's over and done with, so I must live with the consequences one way or another. All I can do is go forward with my plans on showing her how I feel. Not telling her. If I can do that successfully, we'll both do our part for a successful relationship.

 

Ok, this will be my last post in this thread.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a good counselor? I'm sure there may have been some in this thread, but I don't want to go back and read it for various reasons. What we really want is someone that will talk to us both separately, then together giving us guidance and specific advice on how to work on our relationship. I've been going through the counselors on my insurance's website and calling those, but I haven't been receiving very good feedback.

Thanks guys.

 

Well, it's been over two months since my last post in this thread. Let me give you a rundown of what's happened since then.

She moved out about a week after this, the Monday before Thanksgiving. We nearly called it quits on Thanksgiving Day itself. Basically, at that time, she wasn't sure if she even really wanted to try anymore. I had to convince her that divorce should be the last option and that we should give it all we have. We started seeing a new counselor who has been really great. Plus, I started taking some anti-depressants which have really helped me individually, not to mention the side effects its had on our relationship.

We went through some pretty tough times in early to mid-December. By Christmas, she was at the point where she was feeling terrible because she saw all the changes I had made to become a better person, but those feelings for me had not come back. She knew it would never be the same euphoria as it was at the beginning of the relationship, but she was looking for anything. We were close enough on Christmas Day to calling it quits that I even said goodbye to her family. She didn't feel it was fair to me that she didn't feel the same way and she didn't want me to waste six months or a year of my life if she was never going to get them back. I told her it didn't matter how long it took, but if she was willing to work on things, I was willing to wait.

That conversation happened two or three more times. She really wanted things to work out. She wanted to love me the way I loved her. She was waiting on a thunderbolt to strike her and make her feel the same way, but she was scared it wasn't going to come.

Last week, she told me she was going to Vegas with a girlfriend. If you recall, that's where I asked her to marry me and I had my own reservations of her going without me. However, like I have been doing since early December, I played it cool. I didn't freak out, cry or anything like that. I simply acted like it didn't bother me. I knew acting the way I had been wasn't anything she wanted to see, so I just stopped.

So, she left for Vegas on Tuesday, the same day I came down with a major cold. She ended up calling me around eight times yesterday to check up on me and see how I was feeling. She called first thing this morning as well. I took that as a pretty good sign. Then, out of the blue today, she texted "I miss you". This was the first time she'd said anything like this in months. I told her I missed her too and went on with my day trying not to get too excited. She called a couple more times during the afternoon for absolutely no reason at all, something we did when we things were better. I went on with my day trying not to get too excited. Then, she said some things that really had my mind racing.

I was feeling pretty good about things at this point. We talked again a couple times and she told me she was going to Voodoo Lounge which is where I proposed. I told her that I didn't want her going there without me and she said I shouldn't worry and that it would make her happy to be there. Finally around 9:30 tonight we were talking and she asked me if I remembered the thunderbolt she was waiting on and I told her of course I did. She said, "well, it's hit me".

Long story, short...I'm the happiest guy in the world right now! She gets home tomorrow at 5 and we're going to celebrate the rebirth of our relationship!!! I do believe the grin on my face will fade sometime around August.

 

That's what we said. From this point on, anything that's happened in the past that wasn't positive, we'll never speak of again.