An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down. A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town. She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off. Every few minutes, the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills. When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off. “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service-station attendant asks. “Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” “Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibley handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the heck is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day and went to his bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you Bubba?"
Unable to move his bowels, a man pays a visit to his doctor. The doctor writes out a prescription for a powerful laxative and instructs him to call back in two days. When the man calls, the doctor asks, “Well, have you moved yet?” “No, I have not,” the man says. The doctor doubles the dosage and tells him to call back in two days. Sure enough, the man calls two days later, tells the doctor that he has not moved yet and is again instructed to double the dosage. Finally, the man sets up an appointment and arrives, smiling. “I take it you’ve moved,” the doctor says. “I had to,” the man says. “My apartment was full of ****.”
A man is taking a lonely late-night flight from the awesomest city in the world, Houston, back to ho-hum Chicago. As he finds his seat, he's amazed when an insanely gorgeous woman takes the seat next to him. They make a bit of small talk, and finally the guy's curiosity gets the better of him. "Excuse me, but I must know," he says. "Are you a model?" "No, I'm actually a researcher," she says. "You see, I'm a nymphomaniac, and I've been trying to cure my disease for seven years now. I was in Houston giving a lecture at the university on the topic of sexual stereotypes." Now the guy is really interested! "What kind of stereotypes?" he asks. "Well, some are true, like the stereotype that nymphomaniacs like myself are completely insatiable," she said. "Through my, ahem, research, I've discovered that many are false, however. For example, many believe that black men have the largest penises, when in reality, Native American men do. Similarly, Italian men are often stereotyped as the world's greatest lovers, when in reality it's Jewish men who are best." The man considers what he has heard for a moment. "How rude of me," he finally says. "I haven't introduced myself properly. My name is Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
The Tennessee preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher faints.
I actually read this one on this site... two muffins are sitting in a hot oven. One muffin says, "Holy sh*it, it's hot in here!", and the other muffin says, "Holy sh*t, a talking muffin!"
A lady walks into a grocery store and buys some eggs, bacon, and some bread... As she is waiting in line to pay a drunk comes up to her and says "Oh, you must be single." The lady replies "You can tell I'm single from what I'm buying?" And he says "No, its because you're ugly."
Q: What's the first thing a chick should do after she comes home from the Battered Women Shelter? A (while shaking fist): The f*cking dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? A: I bet I could smoke more cigarettes than you.
A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills. The doctor asked, "Why only 3?" The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday my wife is coming home from her vacation. The doc said, "Thats more than I wanted to know, but here's your 3 pills." A week later the doctor saw the man at the gas station, his arm in a cast and sling. The doctor said, "What happened to you? Did the women all find out about one another?" The man said, "No, Nobody showed up....."
A woman goes to a sporting good store to buy a rod and reel for her son's birthday. She grabs one and apporaches a cler, who's wearing a dark shades. "Can you tell me about this rod and reel? " She asks. "Ma'am, I'm completely blind," he replies. "But if you drop it on the counter, I'll tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She drops the rod on the counter. "That's a six-foot graphite rod with a 404 reel and 10-pound test line," the clerk declares. "It's on sale this week for 20 bucks." "I'll take it! " the woman exclaims. She opens her purse, and her credit card falls to the floor. The woman bends down to pick it up and accidently lets one rip. She's embarrased but decides not to draw attention to it when the blind man doesn't react. The guy rings her up and says, "That'll be $34.50, please." "Didnt you just tell it was on sale for $20? " asks the baffled woman. "The rod and reel is $20," the clerk replies, "but the duck call is $11 and the catfish bait costs $3.50. " I thought this was hillarious the first time I heard it. It was a Maxim joke of the month. credit -Brett Lewis
An obese man is walking on the street and he sees a sign that says "ONE-HOUR SLIMMING: RESULTS GUARANTEED. STARTS FROM $1" Deciding to give it a shot since he's got nothing to lose, he steps into the office. The receptionist tells him: "We have three slimming packages that cost $1, $10 and $100. The costlier an option, the better the results. Each session lasts only an hour." The guy has some time and change to spare, so he goes for the $1 package. He's led to a small room in the back, and left there. It's so dark he can't see anything. He waits nervously for a while. Then the lights come on, and a beautiful young woman is standing before him, wearing nothing but a smile. All she says is: "If you can catch me, honey, you can do me." The guy can't believe his luck, and immediately starts chasing her around the room. After an hour of frustration he finally catches her, but before they can get down to it, a buzzer sounds and his session is over. He is weighed and incredibly, he has lost 10 pounds. Unsatisfied but thrilled by the prospect of losing weight and getting laid all at one go, he walks into the office the next day and slaps $10 down on the table. He is led to the same room. When the lights come on, the same woman is standing there buck naked - only this time, she's accompanied by an equally gorgeous friend. The girls say: "If you can catch us, honey, you can do us." So he goes for it, and after an hour he's got the two of them in his arms, but to his dismay the buzzer sounds again. He is weighed and this time he has lost 20 pounds. Undaunted and very horny by now, the guy is back in the office first thing the next morning. He says: "Give me the $100 package." The receptionist looks taken aback for a while.. then nods gravely, impressed. He is led to the room, tingling with anticipation. But when the lights come on, a huge gorilla is standing in the middle of the room. Before he can recover from his shock, the gorilla speaks: "If I can catch you, honey, I'll do you."
An American Man is on business on Japan. He decides to visit a local brothel and pick up a prostitute. After he selects the one he wants, they proceed to go back to his place. After they start going at it the woman starts screaming "SHINKU!!! SHINKU!!!!!" and proceeds to do this until he is finished. The man thinks nothing of it and wakes up the next morning and goes to meet his clients. As a token of entertainment his Japanese clients offer to take him out for a round of Golf. On the 3rd hole one of the men hooks a drive badly and it carries clear across to the par 3 right next to the current hole and lands in the cup. "OH! Shinku! Shinku!" exclaims the man. The American turns to one of the men who speaks english and asks "What did he just say?" The Japanese man replies "he said wrong hole"
