Being Friends with an Ex

26 (and she's a bit older). So yeah, no point in bothering. I guess I agree. I tried.

Thanks. I think some of this is true. I know I was trying to be very logical about things.

Some points:

- Yeah, I wasn't particularly fond of dropping the L word so soon either (I wanted to wait until we were living together or something like that), but I gave into the feelings. FWIW, I didn't drop it out of the blue. She was dropping little hints as well (trying to pull it from me I think), and she seemed happy to hear it (and replied with it as well). I do regret it to some degree now obviously. Never felt this way about any girl, so it was hard to know what I was feeling.

- She actually thought she was going too fast for me. Or that's what she said in some email. Maybe just saying that, though that's actually how she felt about me. I don't know (or really care). I'm actually pretty slow in general (I don't think I even kissed her until...date #4 I think? She was trying to kiss me on date #3 but I left before getting the chance). I was more or less letting her decide the pace of things (she'd ask if she was going too fast for me, and I said I was fine with it). I think she actually didn't like that part of things (I played things off of her too much, so she sometimes felt like I was being cold/disinterested/etc.). Not being as affectionate as she needed was what she generally claimed (hence why "ignoring" her hurt I guess). Probably true, though of course I have my own perspective on that (and if she actually was willing to work on it, I definitely would have been able to match what she needed/wanted).

- She had already run away from me by the time the counseling option came about. Guess it didn't help, but I have my doubts that it really mattered that much (my counselor seems to agree). She decided to go 2-3 weeks without me (with less and less contact...even with some lies), and there's not really any turning back from that point. She was already talking about dumping me a few days into that (but she reconsidered...or so she said...the great emotional roller-coaster). Yeah, I was stupid enough to believe that at the time ("OK, well...let me know when we can see each other again cause I really miss you!"). Honestly, once she decided she needed to "disconnect" from me (and do it like THAT), I don't think I had a chance of getting her back (and again, not sure I necessarily would want to). Read some books that suggested the same (i.e., if someone disconnects from someone, they probably aren't going to decide it is worth reconnecting). She was just trying to ease some of the pain that would come when she finally decided to break it off I think.

- The counseling idea was more for me at the very least (how can I take being away for ~3 weeks from the woman I think I love?), though I told her that if she wanted to do couples counseling, I was open to the idea (I'd do the research, pay for it, etc.). Essentially just saying whatever the problem is, I'm willing to fix it. If she routinely needed 2-3 weeks to "disconnect," I would develop some way to deal with that (actually...that sounds pretty crazy...I don't think I would have seriously done that, but who knows?). I did throw in some "maybe you need counseling" later on, though the relationship was already over at that point (I apologized for it, although I kind of still agree with it). I actually had a great time with counseling (I wish more people would be open to it, even in healthy relationships...would solve a lot of problems IMO).

I was pretty negative about my love life right after the break-up (I did have some issues, which I addressed with counseling), but I'm pretty positive about it right now. In hindsight, I should have just not bothered with the friendship stuff (and just accepted what I could about what I thought went wrong...even if I feared repeating it). I'm pretty good with that now (I'm ready to get back on OKC), though I've been letting this friendship stuff continue to bother me. I'd like to have it if possible, but I also don't want it to stop myself from being happy (with someone else).

Yeah, I know this is the easier/better option, but self-pride and "Maybe I can do it/Pain can't hurt me" creeps in.

I did want to take it in stages, and make sure we were honest about feelings...only moving forward under certain circumstances...but not sure that really matters. Maybe I was fooling myself, but I kind of felt like I needed one last talk with her before I could really move on (just to clear things up). I don't need it though (even if it would be nice).

Yeah, I'd rather just do that, but hard to accept being powerless to help someone you previously cared for.

By all means, if I find someone that makes me feel like my ex did (without some of these other issues), I'd definitely like to pursue that. Of course, hard to tell at the beginning what kind of issues someone might have.

A lot I agree with (thanks), though some clarifications:

- Hiding the address, communicating only via IM/email (and not wanting to meet in public), avoid the issue, etc, all happened when we were still "together" and I thought we were "perfect." Yeah, I get that now. Duh. I'm an idiot for thinking it was going to work, even with what she was saying (and she definitely said things that contradicted those actions...again, I'm an idiot for believing it). I get she doesn't want to be my girlfriend. But does she want to be my friend? She said that during the break-up, and continued to respond to my emails post-breakup. I thought the actions meant yes, but recent actions suggest no. I'm probably an idiot about that too, but not sure the actions were as clear as they were during the actual relationship.

- I do have some feelings left for her, I admit, though maybe I should clarify that. As I said before, there wasn't cheating, arguing, huge conflicts (well..except the end I guess?), etc. So I don't really have a lot of negativity towards her for that. No matter what, she will be someone who shares a LOT in common with me, and at least in my eyes, is VERY attractive. I do care about her well-being and all that. I don't have a reason to really hate her, and with those attributes, it is hard NOT to feel attracted to her in some way (so yes, I'd wish we could be back together...somehow). BUT yes, I also know that we can't work out unless one or both of us changes (more so her IMO, but I won't pretend like I was faultless). And likely not easy changes. It would be like saying I'd maybe take my ex back if she quit cheating, lying, drinking, etc. Probably not going to happen, but I do admit that if it somehow did (and it would be hard to get my trust on that), I'd love to have her back. Though in the meantime, I'll certainly try to find someone else that fits those same criteria, minus the...minuses.

That was a concern of mine, and I was continuing to deal with it. I didn't think it would really affect a friendship completely (depending on how it was done), though I've been pretty self-aware about things so far, and I think I could have taken the right actions if it got bad at some point. Moot point now I guess.

With the counseling and other things (I've read some science about relationships...that what I do when I'm confused), I do feel like this has made me a much better boyfriend (and person). I can definitely say the next girl I go out with will be fortunate to have me (and hopefully I'll be fortunate to have her).


Thanks to some of the other supportive posts, even if I didn't directly respond back.

 

Thanks.

I do want to clarify that while I appreciate all these supportive posts, I've kind of moved on from it weeks ago (these things come up with family and my counselor). Maybe that will ease any concern towards my fellow BBSers. I guess you can try to argue I haven't done so or something is still there, in which case, please do.

I actually tried to reassure my ex in one of the post-breakup emails that this was the right thing (and I do agree with that, for reasons mentioned here and more). Initially, I was telling her it was a mistake and all that ("just give it a chance!"), but now I know it actually wouldn't have worked out (well...unless things changed, but the things that needed to change would be very unlikely). I was apologizing for not recognizing the problems earlier on and ending things then. I actually don't think there was much to recognize early on from my perspective (prior to the "disconnect" period...of course that was something, but that was too late), but I said that to hopefully make her feel better about moving on (getting late night emails from her where she was worried about being seen as mean made me wonder if maybe she felt bad about ending things).

I've just been concerned about how to handle being a friend with an ex. Too concerned with it I guess. Blah. I tried what I thought would help us both out (maybe being too impatient), didn't work, time to move on and drop everything entirely. Maybe there's a better way to do it, or maybe there was no way for us to be friends. Not going to lose sleep over it though.

 

26. I didn't even play any video games while talking with her, and if anything, she probably thought she was a bigger gamer than me (she played Journey, Limbo, and various other obscure-ish video games). She actually recommended going to an arcade for the 2nd date.

Yeah, likely wasn't a problem. Hell, I missed Rockets playoff games for her.

 

Yeah, I try not to think too much about it (and I don't mind acting foolishly for the reasons you mentioned). I only worry about repeating mistakes (don't want this to happen again), but there's only so much to take from this. There might not be many answers for me.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, but the "disconnect" period was not my idea. I wasn't on-board with it at all. I knew it wasn't really going to help, and even said as much to her. I'm OK with maybe a few days, but beyond that, I was wanting to kick down some doors. Unfortunately, I didn't know where those doors were, and when I was told that she'd see me the next day or whatever...I relaxed some. Then the meeting never came, but rinse and repeat that for a while.

Perhaps that's why I was impatient with the post break-up "disconnect." Tried things her way, knew that didn't work, and wanted to do things my way to salvage a friendship. And that failed too.

FWIW, I pretty much thought she was almost perfect, even up to the actual break-up. Well...I didn't care for the disconnect, though I was somewhat willing to have her do what she needed to do (I was wanting to talk to her about improving communication, but didn't really discuss it with her then much, and that's more of "we" thing anyway). I didn't really try to change her much, if at all, until during/after the break-up (and even then, I didn't push it a lot). I was trying to change myself if anything. It wasn't until I realized that she was just trying to break up with me (and how she broke up with me) that I started to see some faults.

Though even in the post break-up emails, I tried to be supportive and reassure her that what she was doing was right, etc. I did want to talk, etc., so guess I was trying to change that part of her. Maybe some manipulation going on there on my part (I was really pushing for it, even though I guess she wasn't ready for it). Not necessarily denying that.

I'd like to think she'd want to change (she's admitted to being too cynical/admires my optimism, too negative, holding things in too much, etc.), though not sure if she really wants to change (or can). I certainly didn't go about the right way to help her with that, assuming she did want to change (and assuming I could even do anything about it). My mistake.