Did he say he didn't see her as an equal? I certainly see my wife as an equal... actually I think she is smarter, funnier and more personable than I am.
gender roles are such a gray area. i see both sides, my views have evolved over the years. i think people are too quick to judge those who wish to have more traditional gender roles, and maybe assume that the man is verbally abusive/the woman is miserable. not always the case. i also know people who are perfectly happy with the wife calling all the shots, being the dominant personality and the husband just "rolling with it" and deferring to her most of the time. i have no interest in having children, not religious, not organized, not a natural homemaker. i curse a lot, watch sports obsessively, don't like vanilla sex. these facts alone turn off most of the male population who believe in gender roles and getting a "good woman", that's fine. that doesn't mean i don't appreciate a man who opens doors and picks up my meal and takes the reigns sometimes and is willing to make decisions when i'm indecisive. some of us can be slightly crazy, it's true. i've certainly felt like i was being crazy towards a man before, in the heat of an argument. sometimes you just want him to put you in your place, or at least once in awhile demonstrate he's capable of doing so. (as opposed to cowering/deferring to you constantly). it awakens something primal, it makes you feel feminine. luckily there are still a lot of quality guys that instinctively understand that but also appreciate a modern woman who won't tolerate abusive bull**** or dismissive attitudes toward women as a whole (ie bigtexxx)
In our relationship, we make the money, we make the investment decisions, we handle slights, we handle physical protection, we take care of the house and cars. We compliment each other and take care of each other. We handle(d) the issues concerning our kids and grand kids. We handle the household needs, food and otherwise. We tell each other what we want and need and it is our job to ensure that we get them. But, whatever works for you....
Best of luck. In my opinion, both people have to want to make it work, and be able to care for each other. That includes having or cultivating feelings for each other. Counseling can help if both people are making an effort. The counselor won't take sides or do the "judge's ruling" (even if sometimes you wish they would). Hopefully you can cultivate it back into a real, affectionate relationship instead of something that you just hold together because of the kids or because it's convenient.
Can anyone please recommend a good counselor? I'm in dire need. Also, I got a rep from someone saying they sent an email but never received it.
Reading through Camillionaire's thread made me realize that I hadn't given an update. I had several people ask me for one in private and I hadn't followed through so here it goes... We went to marriage counseling. It was bad...very bad. All she did was complain about the things she was angry with me about and refused to look at things that she was doing wrong or acknowledge ways that she could improve or do better. She went in with a closed mind that everything was over and that this was simply a formality and left with the same attitude. She complained to me that she didn't like the marriage counselor at all and we didn't go back. Oddly enough, I noticed a very tiny change in her. It wasn't big, but even though the marriage counseling seemed to be completely ineffective, perhaps deep down inside hearing another person outside of her circle and mines was actually a good thing and helped give her perspective. I think she quietly decided to wait and see how things would go over the next few weeks and take it a day at a time. By the end of July, she verbalized to me that she wanted to try to make things work. It was very rocky... We had a few big arguments over the next couple of months and at that point, I felt that I had done everything I could do as a man to try to save my family and I was at peace with whatever happened. She was doing things like hanging out with her girlfriends which she had never done before and that led to a huge fight. We were done! I went to church and prayed about it and I hadn't been really going to church much. Things had gone from bad to worse and we had both reached out to divorce lawyers and discussed things like division of assets...the vehicles, the house, the kids, etc. Everything was moving forward and then something crazy happened. I know some people don't believe in God, but I honestly don't know what else it could have been. We were DONE! However, there was a complete 180 with her and it came completely out of nowhere. It's like she woke up one morning and decided that saving our family was indeed very important to her as well. She had been telling me all along that the kids would be fine after an adjustment period and that she couldn't trust me anymore. To make a long story short and sparing all the boring details...we are very happy again. October was good and November was amazing. We put in the work to rekindle what had worked early on, acknowledged our mistakes and we are trying not to take each other for granted again. We have planned to renew our vows in Hawaii next summer on the day of our Anniversary. We've already booked the flight, hotel, and venue for the ceremony. So did the marriage counseling work? Didn't seem like it, but a month later she went from I can't do this to I'll try. For a while, "trying" didn't seem like it was going to be enough, but it worked out. If anybody has any specific questions about the actual session, I'll be more than happy to answer those when I can.
there are a billion crass, flippant and ****ty things to be said but I will say . . Bravo! If you happy . . . She happy. . . I am happy for you!! Rocket River
I'm very glad to hear that you and wife were able to work things out! Often times in life, it's darkest right before daybreak, and you my friend are living proof of that!... "I thought love was more or less a given thing Seems the more I gave the less I got. Oh, what's the use in trying (duh-duh, duh-duh) All you get is pain (duh-duh, duh-duh) When I needed sunshine I got rain" Do I believe? I'm a believer... Spoiler <iframe width="1280" height="750" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/XfuBREMXxts" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> ....... ....... .......
just judging by your OP you should get a divorce now... of all the reasons you gave to save your marriage none of them had anything to do with you loving your wife.
just saying that staying together "for the kids" is a horrible thing to do... i lived with my parents when they were trying to keep it together and it was so much worse than when they finally got divorced.
Does anybody else not find it odd that he didnt say that he didnt want to get a divorce because he still loves his wife and couldnt imagine living without her? Because if thats not why you are married than you shouldn't be married, your going to put those kids thru alot more pain and drama when the fighting starts up agian, than you would by telling them the truth.
Become humble; drop your pride. Pride is the root of all issues in life. If you truly embrace this, even if your wife doesn't, you will be better prepared to move on. As for 'dating hot young chicks'...*shudder*...I can do without the OMG/Dramabomb every five seconds.
