I apologize in advance for this Falcons Talon, but any married couples with children on this board considering divorce. Please, now is the time to really think about the consequences. A year ago, my wife and I were very close to ending it all. Thank God, we were able to figure it all out. I could not imagine even spending one night without my children. Falcons Talon, sounds like you are going about this the right way. My prayers are with you.
Falcons: I truly respect your desire to be a good dad and I applaud you taking your concerns to the legislature. If you aren't involved in the system, you can't really complain. Having said that however, I have to wonder if you aren't projecting your own difficulty onto the system itself. There is no doubt that the needs of the child in relation to the father need to be seriously considered. There is still a basic premise that children are better off with mothers and that certainly isn't always the case. But, what your proposing could be devastating for children. Every study out there shows that the number one thing children need is stability. Obviously, we can't give them that all the time but the logistics of what you are suggesting may make it better on the parent who does not have regular custody, but it doesn't make it better for the child. It is bad enough that the child has to deal with the break up of his/her parents, but to shuttle the child around during the holidays (the most stressful time of year for children and adults) and to move him/her from place to place, uprooting him/her from friends and schools is crazy. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you and you sound like you have good reason to be upset with your ex, but, ultimately, the child should be most important in the situation, not the parent. Parents are adults who can learn to live with consequences and make sacrifices. The children have enough to deal with already.
Hey guys, I'm getting ready to go see my state reps. I understand what some of you guys are saying, that it may be stressful to the child, but children are very resilient. I will post some stats on how children from fatherless homes are adversely affected. When you say stability, do you mean that they need to have a set pattern? My divorce states that I see my son every other day...School year-Tue, Thur, from 4-7:30 and Sunday 8-8. Summer-Tues/ Thur jumps to 8-8. He does great with this setup, much better than every other weekend. and 6-8 on Wednesday, which is the way the family code is currently set up. My proposal would simply change one day when the primary residence changes at 6 months, plus it guarantees at least one sleep over per week. This is little if no stress on the child, or the parents. BTW, ex and I live 10 minutes away from each other, and we are in the same school district. As far as vacation schedule, the kids days are usually split anyway, going from one grandparents house to the other...the only difference is mom and dad are not together. When children have to see the breakup of their family, it is devastating, but isn't it worse to have a child grow up in a family in whic there is constant bickering, and even some violence...(not on my part). Divorce much of the time is the lesser of two evils. My son now has two families that love him dearly, and he is well adjusted at two years old. He has two sets of parents to care for him, and brothers and sisters to play with. Well, gotta go. I'll let you guys know how the meeting went.
I was divorced when my younger kids were 3 and 6. I GAVE their mother a more-than-fair settlement (I gave her HER and THEIR interest in a house that she or they never paid a nickel on) so that she could afford to stay in our marital home (great neighborhood, great kids, etc) until those two were out of high school. She had just completed her PhD. I was an independent contractor with no security and no advanced education. We had joint custory (halfsies on holidays/weekends/summers) with her having primary physical custody. She is a good mother; I have no complaints about that. Both of us are very fit parents. Within a year she was asking permission (outside of the separation agreement) to move an hour away for a job opportunity. She said that she would be gone for "only 2 years" and then come back here. I was given 3 days to make a decision. I said OK. That was 10 years ago. I really did expect her to live up to her 2 year promise. I chose not to fight her over it because I didn't want to put the kids through that. THAT MAY HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE; I'm sure it was a mistake to some degree; I'm just not sure how large. I am absolutely glad that we didn't go through that battle, but the distant living arrangement has lifetime ramifications that I never imagined. I always saw it as coping for a few years. I spent 5 years, leaving "work" after lunch to drive an hour 1-way to spend MY Wednesday afternoons and evenings with my kids in her house while she went out on a date of some sort. Every other Friday I left "work" after lunch to drive over to bring them home with me for alternate weekends. As the kids got into middle- and then high-school, they became much less available to both parents and my trips over lessened. Now with them both in HS, it is rare to see them at all. Now I am resentful. I feel taken advantage of. In retrospect, I would tell people to be careful about giving anything up in the way of their rights and conveniences. I always felt that SHE should have been the one inconvenienced-- not me. Soon there was no way to right the wrong.
The meeting went well, and with the info that I presented (stats and other states legislation) he said he would definitely look into it. I pray its not just lip service, but I'll be checking in just to make sure. Giddyup, you sound like me. I wouldn't call it guilt, but by wanting to provide a better life for the kids, we as the providers think that we should give women the things that we don't need or can do without, and trust them to be as gracious with us in the divorce. I have learned, as you have I'm sure, that some women will use this to their advantage, and take us for all that we will allow them to, plus some. If I had known how she would take me to the cleaners, and then keep my son from me, I would have dished out the $$$ in court and fought for half of EVERYTHING. Due to a mistake her attorney made in the divorce, I may get a chance to fix the divorce so that it is fair and equitable for both parents AND our child. One thing that I have learned is not to trust my exwife, and all the tears that flow, and tugging at my heartstrings does not work anymore, ironically, because SHE hardened my heart, but only to her.
Hey guys, if it's not to much to ask, can you sign this petition? I'm sending it out to all my friends. I didn't create it, but I definitely endorse it. Shared Parenting Petition Thanks in advance. Please send the URL (http://www.petitionpetition.com/cgi/petition.cgi?id=3393) to all your friends.
