I've seen quite a few women bitter at the father of their kids. It's not a pretty sight. It's not a pretty sight. If you marry this girl, I have a feeling that it'll go down that road. I'm pro-choice, but myself, I would never really want to have an unborn baby of mine aborted. That said, I don't believe this kid deserves to pay for his parents not getting along. And by pay, I mean abortion, or a life of bickering parents. It's too bad that most people, when in this situation(from my experience, both men and women), can wisen up and be friendly about it and put the kid first above all else. It happens, but it should happen more often. You're in a very difficult situation, man. I feel for you. Whatever you do, I would not let her or her parents force you into marriage. Marriage is not something you do just because you're going to have a baby. It would only make things worse when there was a bitter divorce...
Edited for more clarity(I guess). It's too bad my status hasn't been updated to contributing. I contributed at least a month ago....
^that's good stuff right there, Mr. EddieWasSnubbed, sir. Good stuff, sir. [ This post had to be] Fixed.
They probably want you to marry her so that, when the marriage doesn't work out and you get divorced, your pretty much set on a fixed payment plan for life to her and the baby...along with crappy visitation priviliges. The women know what's up in this situation. Their thinking with dollar signs in their eyes. A baby won't keep you'll together...unless you'll really do end up in love after all of it. Otherwise, you will probably be taken to the bank.
That will happen regardless if they get married or not. It isn't like you aren't responsible if you aren't married to the woman.
he would be looking at alimony and child support under a divorce settlement...versus just child support. would he not?
that's kinda what i was thinking. it's not like he said he was happy she had an abortion because it would interfere with him having relations with other women. and his post implied that he let the woman make the decision and that he would've gone along had the woman decided not to get one. as far as the thread starter goes, a paternity test would be my number one priority. you're also old enough to talk to the parents to explain your side of things i would imagine. tell them if it's your kid, then you will support it, but marriage is out of the question.
When he makes comments like "Lucky for me, both chose the abortion route", he comes across as a "helluva" guy. When he admits he is not ready for fatherhood, yet engages in the act that can lead to fatherhood, he comes across as a "helluva" guy. Many pro-choice folks indicate that there would be less abortions with more education and easier access to birth control. TexasFight had access to both of those options yet still feels "lucky" when the women he impregnated chose to abort the child. Yep, he's a "helluva" guy.
he used birth control according to his post. if he had said "luckily i pressured them into having an abortion", i'd maybe feel more comfortable judging someone on an internet message board about their life decisions that conflict with my own personal views. i just didn't see anything in his post to warrant a personal attack because he's pro-choice and has sex (like nearly every other human being). the only time i'd feel comfortable judging those who have abortions or those who feel "lucky" that they person they impregnated had one is if they were using the procedure as another form of birth control. i'd harbor a guess and say that's not the case for the vast majority of people who have abortions. and based on his post, he doesn't sound like he falls into that group either.
And as he admitted "condoms break", yet he apparently continued (continues?) to use them. The only 100% method of birth control (outside of physical impossibilty) is abstinence. If one is unprepared for fatherhood (as the poster admitted), they should not engage in acts that may produce children.
that's a fine and dandy proposal in a fantasy world, but you have to be pragmatic about it. sex is a natural desire that people have engaged in since the beginning of time and it's not going to stop. i'm personally anti-abortion, but i'm not going to judge a guy for having a different opinion about it and being relieved that someone took that step when the unwanted pregnancy happened. i would think a better way to get someone to come around to one's point of view would not be to personally attack them for making that decision and explain to them why you feel he should not feel lucky about her making that decision.
Too much assumption that the relationship is a non-starter. That they had broken up doesn't mean they couldn't make a marriage work. I understand thw argument people are making that the abortion is the girl's decision. At the same time, you're going to feel the guilt if the baby dies. I can understand not giving in to a shotgun wedding, but it's not realistic to abdicate responsibility for the decision. She might not think she's "ready" for kids at 21 (not that there's a whole lot to it), but you should be at 30. Offer to take custody, or joint custody, or some arrangement to make it work. Enlist your mother to help or whatever. Marriage (even if the shotgun proposal is objectionable) might actually work, even. I agree with everyone on the DNA test. If you marry, or pay any child-support, or otherwise indicate support for the child, it's yours for the next 18 years regardless of paternity. It'll be indelicate to ask for a test, but don't skip this step. Yeah, that worries me. I have a friend who got pregnant (at 35) and her mother and sisters pressured into an abortion because she wasn't "ready", which she now greatly resents. It's caused a big family rift. Many 21 year olds would succumb to familial pressure.
Questions for Chow Yun Fat: In the original post, you gave a strong undertone that you question whether or not you are the father. Is this the case? If so, on what do you base this suspicion? Does she (and do her parents) know that you question whether or not you are the father? I would recommend this: (1) DO NOT marry simply for the baby - especially if you're "on two totally different wave lengths". This is a recipe for a bitter, short marriage ending in divorce. (2) Stop using the "be a man" phrase. It makes you sound juvenile. (3) Inform the family that you will do everything in your power to be a loving, caring, supporting father to the child (which can be done without getting married) and to provide financial support to the best of your ability to her and the childpending dna results indicating that you are the father. (4) When their family squawks about that, inform them that to provide such support is what a responsible father should do. If that person is you, you know that you must do that. But if the father is someone else, that person should not only be the one providing her with such love and support, but that person also deserves to know that he has fathered a child. (5) When they continue to squawk, insisting that they KNOW that you're the father (based solely on the word of their daughter, who they will, of course, believe without question)... Inform them that if they are so confident that you are the father, then they have nothing to worry about from a DNA test (which you are willing to pay for), that there is no harm in taking said test, and that matters such as raising a child must be handled with great seriousness and diligence. A dna test clearly solidifies what actions should be taken by you, and you need this to move forward.
Small issue with droxford's points on DNA tests is that those may alienate more than her "family", but his ex-girlfriend as well. Not necessarily an easy situation if she finds that insulting or a sign of distrust. Great posts Happy Mac.
Nobody is judging him on his opinion on the abortion issue. Frankly, it’s totally irrelevant. I think maybe it has more to do with him being so nonchalant about knocking up 2 chicks while admitting he’s “not ready to be a father”. Yes, I know the condom broke…..both times….whatever… That’s like jumping in a pool full of hungry piranhas and then blaming the lifeguard when you get bitten. Would you have a problem with him if your daughter was one of the chicks he humped and got pregnant? “Sorry I knocked up your daughter, sir, but it wasn’t my fault the condom broke. Besides, she can always have an abortion.” “Aw shucks, that’s OK, son. I’m not here to judge you. She can just get an abortion and you can go on your merry way.” But I know we’re not supposed to judge anyone for anything anymore, so I’ll just bow out of this thread now….
100% agree. Judging people is fun, you should try it. that's a fine and dandy proposal in a fantasy world, but you have to be pragmatic about it. making fun of prole people is a natural desire that people have engaged in since the beginning of time and it's not going to stop. Good post.
Well, I said that because it sounds like he questions who the father is. It sounds like he hasn't informed his ex or her family that he has such doubts. And if that's the case, it's probable that she and her parents are going to be greatly offended when he says that he wants a dna test.
