A man walks into a deli. He looks at the menu posted on the wall, which reads: $1.50 Cheese sandwich $2.00 Cheese & Ham sandwich $10.00 Handjob The man thinks about his selection for a while, then finally decides. He whispers to the attractive young lady at the register, "Excuse me Miss...are you the one who gives the handjobs?" The young lady seductively whispers back "Mmmm, yeah!" The man then says "Well, wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
This is the cleanest joke I know..... A Texas Longhorn, a Baylor Bear, and a Texas A&M Aggie all drive down to Mexico for a vacation together in the Aggie's car. They cross the border in Matomoros, have a few beers, and then get back in the Aggie's car. While driving in Matomoros, the Aggie accidentally runs a stop sign and plows into a pedestrian, killing him instantly. All three are arrested. After a show-trial, all three are sentenced to die in the electric chair. The day of the executions arrives. The first one to be strapped into the electric chair is the Longhorn. The warden asks him "do you have anything to say before we carry out the sentence"? The Longhorn says "yes. I am a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin and the UT Law School. I am a licensed lawyer in the state of Texas. What you are about to do violates all international law known to man" The warden flips the switch for the electric chair, but nothing happens. "Sir, we cannot try you twice for the same crime" said the warden. That would be double-jeopardy. We have to let you go". The next one to be strapped into the electric chair is the Baylor Bear. The warden asks him "do you have anything to say before we carry out the sentence"? The Baylor Bear says "yes. I am a graduate of Baylor Baptist University in Waco, Texas. I am an ordained Baptist minister. What you are about to do violates God's will and the teachings of all religions worldwide". The warden flips the switch for the electric chair, but nothing happens. "Sir, we cannot try you twice for the same crime" said the warden. That would be double-jeopardy. We have to let you go". The last one to be strapped into the electric chair is the Aggie. The warden asks him "do you have anything to say before we carry out the sentence"? The Aggie says "yes. I am a graduate of Texas A&M University in College Station Texas. I am a licensed electrical engineer, and if you just replaced that fuse over there, this chair just might work the way it's supposed to!"
A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry . . .but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he'll die within minutes." "Oh, that's terrible," commented the woman. In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed "Oh my God! How can that be justified?" The doctor replied . . . "Same illness, better health plan."
Jr and Sr are walking down the street when they come across 2 dogs making great natural things. Jr asks Sr "Hey dad,what are they doing?" Sr, a bit embarrassed, answers "they're trying to have a puppy" That night,Jr walks into the parents room and find them making their matrimonial duties.Jr asks "what are you doing?!" Sr even more embarrassed than the first time answers "We're trying to give you a little brother". Jr answers "Flick mom around,I'd rather have a Puppy!" ALA
So a mexican guy driving his bike was carrying a large bag of sugar came across to the border trying to enter Mexico. The border patrol ask, "Excuse me sir, but you are not trying to smuggle the sugar into Mexico are you? Just to be sure, we're going to have to take it from you." So the next day, the same guy tries to enter Mexico but this time he carries a bag of salt. The border patrol ask, "Excuse me sir, but you are not trying to smuggle the salt into Mexico are you? Just to make sure we're going to have to take it from you." So this goes on everyday for a month.. Then one day. So the border patrol has his day off and sees him in a bar and asks. "Hey, i've havn't seen you in awhile, i thought you would be smuggling something." The guy replies, "Well, I have... i've been smuggling bikes" *sorry... that was my best joke*
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife." Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
