Sometimes it's best to give them space. Parents have to trust that they have done their best and let go. To be honest.. I still have issues with my beliefs clashing with my parents, but we've reached a place where the differences don't matter. That didn't happen over night but slowly over years. The important thing is to stress that you love them and that you have to live your own life and make your own mistakes. Sadly they may rebel against that idea initially but you just have to keep communicating that the important thing is that you all still care about one another.
CRAP! I typed a long reply that I had thought out. The login timed out because I am on a borrowed laptop. finals: 1. Keep religious talk to a minimum. It seems that when it starts going, it might snowball into something that cannot be stopped. 3. Remind your parents that you love them and that you're still the same little girl they raised, but for them to accept your new-found "self" and your beliefs. If they don't, that would be cool, but that you will hope they respect you. 4. I think it has something to do with not losing you as the last "religious" girl in their household, because your sister left, as you said... and it is "ironic." I had these questions: How did your sister "leave" religion? How is her relationship with your parents now (after they found out she left religion)? How is her relationship with you? Is she younger than you (not necessarily in age, but in maturity)?? Didn't you go to a religious school? If so, were you "forced", or was this your choice? Be well. Stay strong. Stay healthy. Continue to exercise and sleep enough. Don't do anything "crazy" your best of friends wouldn't do. Don't hurt yourself or others. Good luck with this. I know I would probably not be able to deal with this alone if I was to go through this like you are. Surround yourself with positive attitudes, good friends, etc. No, sir. She said she lives a few exits from them on I-10. That would make little sense, though. I also disagree with people who say "F' them" or "ignore them".. dude, they're your parents, you GOTTA love them, just like they gotta love you.
My partner had pretty much the same situation as you, the difference was she was still a believer when we started dating and I have always been an atheist. Anyway that was enough for her to get kicked out of home and I was looked upon as this devil coming to ruin their life(even though I came from a good family and never broken the law or hurt anyone in my life). After just a few months of this and abuse from her former Church friends on the streets she too decided she didn't believe in God, this was dealt with by a complete cease in communications from her parents. For our situation, which I'm not saying may be the best to go about for you has probably ended up the best it possibly could considering their strong almost extreme level of faith. For starters my partner kept communication and visits with any family member still talking to her, not only was this good for her to know she still had family but these people passed onto her parents how well she was doing and how good her life was without needing them, sometimes just your parents realizing you don't depend on them to live a quality life is enough for them to change how they treat you. She attended any family gathering even if her parents were going to be there and avoided any confrontation with them, if they wanted to start yelling or abusing then she figured it was them who looked bad to the rest of the family and not her. Eventually they started inviting her back round for dinner and she respected any of their views while she was in their home, if they started to try and push her back into them or degrade her she politely asked them to stop or she would leave. From here it slowly and very slowly has progressed to a point where they even visit our home.. I was with my partner for 4 year before they would even talk to me but we now own our own home and live a nice life and the parents can see besides me being an atheist I am not a bad influence on her. We are always polite to her family and willing to put up with the odd comment when we are in their home and they seemed to have learned that trying to steer a conversation to religion is not tolerated in our home and I had a conversation with her Dad to let him know this. We have the same political views amazingly so that keeps him happy. It's certainly not been an easy ride but from mine and her experience I think the keys were being firm to them when you think they are trying to push you or degrade you and never look to start fights with them about your differences, stay polite to them and hopefully they start to feel poor by not treating you the same way. Good luck with it though! Whatever you do though, parents you argue with are still better than none at all!
Dont talk politics or religion with them, if they start doing it just dont answer. everybody have the right to believe what they want, and no one can impose their beliefs in another person. They are your parents, and they love you, and I think you love them, so you have to talk to them, that you are an adult now, and you can have different beliefs, and they have to respect that. Good luck with everything!
There's something in their uhh hearts that believe non-believers are going to hell, which is why your mom attempted your uncle's deathbed conversion. They don't want that to happen to you... for whatever reasons, so you'll probably have to work with that in mind for your gameplan. Those "whatever reasons" are important and are deeply personal that sometimes people don't freely admit. It changes the context of whatever advice you'll get here or anywhere. Moving out is definitely the sane path. You're a grown woman. It's not super pathetic to open your wings. It's the opposite. If you're not self sufficient, what better motivation than to knuckle down? Emphasizing "I'm guessing", but I think you're bundling moving out with cutting your parents off. You might've been pushed into thinking that you must stay in order to keep up a good fight, while moving is "capitulating"... in maybe your family relationship. You don't have to move out of town at first. Parents driving their kids insane isn't a new thing. It's usually played off as becoming an independent adult rather than "you stifle me and I hate your ****ing guts". What parent wouldn't be proud of their kid standing up on their two feet? Great bragging material for their friends... I think you're writing this because you've exhausted how to approach your parents and you know them the best. Maybe there's some atheist/fundimentalist recovery group that have people who've gone through "coming out" with their parents. I wish I was joking. You'll likely have to deal with coming across with a message or a broad campaign that accepting your Christian apostasy doesn't mean they don't care about you or that they're are horrible parents/Christians and/or failures.
That sucks. Watching something like politics be so overriding a subject in the mind of a person that it causes them to even rift with family - which should be much more important - has always saddened me. Like everyone has said, you just have to seek your independence. With you living your own life, whether it be 'away' or just out of the house, you have less of that cloud hanging over you. In addition, there are somethings both you and your parents take for granted, and with any luck not having you around readily available may cause a reconsideration of the best way to spend that time; ie are we going to be arguing or making the most of this time. The religion aspect is harder, because obviously they have convinced themselves that your beliefs are 'wrong' and will end in a bad way. There's not really much you can do in that regard, other than hope they can learn to respect your individual beliefs. The 'where did we go wrong' aspect is unfortunate, because it demonstrates a mental block there that doesn't allow them to even consider that maybe they might not be 100% correct or that there should be some sort of leeway. Either way, get out, live your own life with your own beliefs and opinions. Relatives will come to grips with those differences eventually and most of the time, when you are apart, the time you have together becomes more valuable and more about family. Regardless, don't be hard on yourself and at the same time try to remember that sometimes family is so focused on what they think is 'best' they don't realize the harm they are doing. But you are your own person, that's nothing to be ashamed of - rather, something to be proud of - and figuring out how to at least have a tolerable relationship with those who think differently (even the parents) is part of that independence. Approach it with confidence.
Similar situation with my dad many years ago. Me: Liberal, Dem, lots of philosophy and history and literature, charitable, not too racist, not a believer in "Literal Interpretation" of the Bible, can't stand authority, don't usually care what others think about me. Dad: pretty much not like me at all. Similar, but not the same... my parents divorced when I was little and so I only spent every other weekend with dad (until high school and then it became less frequent). Still, even though he's my father he was never my Dad and even in college he would try to make me do stuff like a little kid. Mostly, I humored him and pretended to be someone I wasn't but I found myself not even being able to last a weekend with him, much less a holiday or a brief summer vacation. Then, I got married. I won't bore you with all the juvenile things he did, but one is illustrative. My wife kept her last name, but my dad would go out of his way to refer to her as "Mrs. rimrocker" instead of her first name. He thought it was sinful that I married such an uppity woman and was always trying to demean her... think Hank Hill's dad (that's not much of an exaggeration). I was starting to lose patience and I couldn't ask my wife to humor him as I had for so many years. Then I had kids. When my oldest was learning "please" and "thank you" dad came to visit. Since he rarely says these words, I asked him to please set an example for his granddaughter. He declined and immediately yelled at my wife, "Mrs. rimrocker, get me some coffee." That was it. I haven't had him in my house since and I haven't visited or initiated a phone call to him in 12 years. It's liberating. I didn't realize how much life he was sucking out of me. (He and my nutso stepmom, who is convinced the history of slavery is wrong because blacks were property and people don't mistreat their property... they get their car serviced and polish their furniture, so slaves must have had it good and those tales of whippings and torture are just Liberal lies.) They would grill me about what church I was going to and what the preacher said on Sunday and prayed for me because I didn't go to a Fundamentalist church. They prayed that I would reject my book learnin' and come back to Jesus, but that was a Jesus I didn't know and didn't want to know. Anyway, it's scary at first, and you sometimes wonder what happens if he gets sick or something, but then you realize that there's no way you're ever allowing such a toxic personality close to your kids and it's really easy. I have become much more confident in general and a much better father since I quit worrying about my own dad. What you have to understand is your parents have made their choice. There's no negotiation. They are asking you to be someone you are not. That's unacceptable and you shouldn't put up with it. At all. Live your life the way you want to and put the burden on them... they will either have to eventually accept you or essentially lose you. It's hard to see, but once you make the break, you'll be happier right away because you no longer constantly worry about what they are thinking and feel like you're walking on eggshells. If they come around, so much the better. And better to do it now instead of waiting until you're in your 30's and married with kids like I was. (One word of advice... don't feel like you have to make every life decision now. If you don't want kids now, great. But don't worry about it and be sure to allow yourself the freedom to change your mind later in life if you want.) On the faith thing, I won't say much except that it is a long personal journey and sometimes you end up back in a familiar but somewhat different place. I know that eventually you'll find your peace. If you do end up with God, it's OK if he's not like the God your parents worship. Good luck.
I just wanted to suggest that no one should let other people have too important a role in determining whether they believe or what they believe about God. Sure people will have a role because we live in communities but we shouldn't either deny God or devote ourselves to God because of what some single source did or does. I'm a church-going man now. Haven't always been. At age 12 my dad said I could stop going to Sunday School if I wanted to; he dropped us off on his way to the golf course. My brother and I would hitch a ride or walk home the mile and a half. We opted to stop. I didn't really return to church until my mid-30s and still invest myself in the life of the church at age 56. I have a 24-YO daughter who has zero interest in any church. At that age the tendency is to think you know everything anyway. In time she will find out that she doesn't. We all will lean on something and a GOOD church with loving and caring people is the kind of community that I think we all need. Just my .02.
I think I might explode If I was living in your house. It's awesome that you have borken the chain of ignorance and closed mindedness. ATHEISTS UNITE!!! :grin: Dear Darwin I hate church. The "awe of the universe" is enough to keep me satisfied for a billion lifetimes.
I could of worded that better... it was not solely on that, she had doubts previously but it certainly was part of the decision. She may still have some belief of God, she doesn't list herself as or preach being an atheist.
Do you know someone of faith who both you and they trust already? Someone who isn't going to judge you, while at the same time understanding your parents' perspective...someone who is more spiritual than religious? Someone who could "mediate" a discussion about this with all of you there....someone who could, honestly, speak some sense into them?? It seems from our discussions that every influence of faith in your life has been cold, religious and unbending. That doesn't comport with the folks I know, who I hang around with, who claim to be Christian. My fear is that they'd see someone who doesn't share a literalist interpretation of the Bible as a heretic, as well.
Finals, reread these above words by hayesfan. sometimes if you change your belief system from your parents, they feel like that makes them failures as parents. And so, in their system based beliefs, they don't know how to talk to you other than trying to re-wrapper you up. that will change. with time. just don't fight them, if you indeed love them and know you will miss family over time...which you will, from your comments....don't fight them. You will be fine. Thanksgiving is a beautify holiday. and I also recommend MadMax's opinion. he helped me. he might not remember.
I was just picking up on your words. It's a shame when someone feels put in a position to have to react to some individual (parent or not) who is over-bearing about matters of faith or anything for that matter. I have two daughters at home now. A 9-YO is very engaged with what her age group does on Sunday morning.... and an 11-YO who prefers to volunteer in the nursery with the toddlers. I'm just glad she is there to participate and willing to help the good and loving people who come to our church. We should not let people stand in the way.
There is nothing in the world that will make your parents stop loving you. They will act like they are mad because they really are. Parents sometimes have this thought that if their children don’t share their same beliefs, they’ve failed. Sometimes us parents should wake up and look at you kids as young adults. You have your own beliefs and that’s a beautiful thing. When you are at their home, you should respect their beliefs. You don’t have to accept or believe it but respect it. Concentrate on what these people have done for you and appreciate them. Again, this doesn’t mean you have to agree. But an argument just isn’t worth it. Youre going to come across people who will talk about bad about Christianity and then on the other side about Athiesm. Go with your heart and believe in you. Everything will fall in place as your life goes on. Im a father of a 20 year old young woman who is going through the same thing. Both my wife and I aren’t pushing her in any direction. It’s totally up to her. I'm off to church Texans start at Noon P.S. Your parents love you no matter what or who you are.
I've read a lot of the thread, and I don't think I've seen the important corollary yet. Everyone but everyone has some insecurity and fear. I would argue for people who are super rigid, this factor, deep down, may be more significant. If finalsbound has her own beliefs, and she is a smart young woman who grew up in their household, it could make them (subconsciously) worry about their own belief system, or at least feel really defensive about it. So "we have to save her!" could be in part "we need her to buy in! we need her support!" My only point, and I believe others have made it: make sure your parents know how much you love them. And that no amount of religious, political or chemical differences will change that. All that said, I would do whatever I could to keep my mother from ever reading my diary again. There would have to be a firm rule or, like I did, a move involving a couple 1,000 miles.
Some have suggested it, but I'd also further look into your relationship with your sister. So she's effectively lying to your parent? But in her case, they have no clue? Is that how she wants to live her life? It may be easier (though also harder, in some ways), if you both present somewhat of a united front. At a minimum, if you are both pushed away, you have each other to fall back on.
finalsbound, it seems you and I had a similar upbringing. The difference is that I began to question "God" and Christianity much earlier than you. It certainly made the high school years difficult (to put it mildly). When I turned 21 (I lived in Austin and they still lived in Houston), I made a conscious decision to come clean to my mother (my step dad was not around at the time -- and it wouldn't have worked around him). My mother was torn apart, but at the same moment she seemed almost calm. At the time I was enrolled in UT and carrying a 3.5 GPA, working two jobs and completely supporting myself. She could see that I had become a fully-functioning, caring and thoughtful member of society. In that sense she had "succeeded" as a parent (something others have mentioned as being important). She seemed to have come to the conclusion that I would "re-find" God eventually. In her mind I was already "saved" (having been baptized a a youngster). I simply needed to "find myself" in the world first. Well, that was two decades ago. She and I don't see eye-to-eye on ANYTHING (politics, religion, music...anything). I think it's more difficult on me now than her. I have a two year old son now and when we do see each other she is completely focused on him. That helps her tremendously (if not completely). I, on the other hand, have come to the conclusion (a difficult one) that I will never have a "real" relationship with my mother as an adult. I could ramble on...but you get the idea. Be yourself. Ultimately, you're all you've got in this world. Respect yourself...and maybe someday they'll learn to respect you (they are having issues similar to yours, for sure). Good luck, finalsbound.
Definitely. My sister is my closest friend in the world. She's 21 and at St. Edward's. THAT is what helps her - being physically far enough away from them that they can't see her all the time. They still drive her crazy of course. And she definitely lies about the religion thing. At least once or twice a month she'll call me sobbing and tell me the latest mean thing my parents have said. We talk all the time and reassure each other that's we're not the crazy ones (we've been doing this for the last decade for other reasons, usually involving my dad's temper). My sister and I have similar emotional problems/roadblocks. She is really quick to blame it on my parents to their face, which IMO is stupid of her to do because they're still paying for her apartment and education. She's always said what's on her mind, I bury it. My mom is always trying to call me to get the latest scoop on her and call her to ask about me. It's pretty annoying. It'll be interesting to see if any of this stuff comes out over the holidays. I kind of just hope it's civil...I would rather have a nice, light hearted time without getting anything accomplished as opposed to a huge, blow out fight. (Aside: I NEVER talk about my religious or political beliefs or push them in any way. If the world was perfect, my parents could hold their views and I could hold mine and everything would be grand. My mom has even said before she prefers the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Well...that would be great if she actually believed that. She talks and prods and pries endlessly. The only way she will be ok with "don't ask, don't tell" is when she's positive I'm a christian and going to see Joyce Meyer with her all the time and stuff). I live in Westchase and my parents live in Katy. Goodness no I don't live with them. And I don't HAVE to see them all the time, but I guess guilt over, you know, breaking their hearts (mom's words) keeps me coming over to their house every Sunday. It's all one big guilt trip, that's it. I think I've come to realize while reading this thread is that I need to look into myself first and realize that the problem here is that I don't approve of myself, so I project all of my own disapproval onto other people like my parents (I'm sure they're thinking/talking/gossiping about me...) and then have an even worse self image. I put WAY too much stock in what they think of me. Which keeps a cycle going, because then I want to bend over backwards to do whatever they say. And then I'm resentful. And then I feel guilty about being resentful, and arrrrgh it's just a bad way to live. So I'm just going to start changing myself and how I view and react to things...giving myself better thoughts...respecting myself for all the good qualities I have...maybe that will change things, and in a less drastic way then cutting off communication. Then again...I probably will move next year, for a plethora of reasons, so if that actually happens, I think the distance actually would do us some good. Especially if we're still on reasonably good terms. Thanks for all the stories and well wishes. Everyone here is seriously the best. Now I can bookmark this thread and read over the responses whenever I'm feeling bummed. :]
