Sorry to hear about your situation, mogrod. I think ima is completely right with his analysis. I also think she has been sleeping with the other guy already.
This situtation is very common unfortunately. You indicated you want the marriage to work out. It is very important you immediately follow these steps- 1. First and foremost DO NOT get advice from your friends or family. 2. Immediately try to find a qualified counselor who has a high success rate reconciling marriages. Get the phone book and check out counseling centers, check with churches or other religious organizations, talk to your doctor see if they have any leads etc. I can't emphasize this enough- BE sure you get a counselor who successfully reconciles marriages. (Bad advice will be much worse than no advice) 3. Ask your wife to join you in counseling with no strings attached to be absolutely sure this is the best thing, especially for your child. 4. Tell her that in the end you will respect her decision but tell her you wish only one thing, before a finalization is made that you get some good counseling together. 5. pray- however is comfortable for you. 6. Ask her to agree to not discuss this with anyone else, especially the other man until you finish your counseling. 7. Let her know that she will be able to make her own choice without any pressure from you, but try your best to get her to a good counselor. My wife and I have been marriage counselors for 18 years. As of now we are dealing with 3 marriages in the same place yours is. Of the 3 -two of them were worse off actually but fortunately they are back together and working things out, the other one is shaky. We have seen 5 marriages restored recently; effective counseling is very important. It is much easier for a qualified counselor to help your wife think through the long term risks and the rewards and the consequences of the next decision she makes. Praying for you today.
Great advice, Rhester. I just wonder how realistic it is to ask her to stay away from this other guy, when she has been with him already. She has been dishonest in her marriage and in her faith, and that would be seem impossible to overcome. I wonder how many reconcilliations, end up in divorce just a few years later? Are there stats for that? Thanks, DD
I have watched my own counseling fail many times and I don't consider myself that qualified, it comes with the church; I am always looking for good counselors to send people to. It will be pretty difficult in my opinion to get her to stay away from the other guy, if she gets to a good counselor that she respects the counselor should request this for a short time, but still she might not be able to handle that. What I have found is the earlier intervention the higher the success rate. Unfortunately this situation is pretty far along. NOT to be discouraging- they should try hard to get some good counseling from a professional. I have had the best success where I had a close relationship with the couples. But that is no guarantee- My best friend was a pastor in our church and he and his wife divorced 2 years ago and left the church. My wife and I spent 18 months counseling them and sent them to other counselors to try and work things out. In the end people make their own decisions. I would say most reconcilliations are the beginning of a long process of rebuilding trust, rekindling love and commitment and without a support group, honesty and openness will likely not last. You can't change another person, you can only change yourself- at least that is what we are taught in counseling training.
Amen brother ! Change has to come from within, and a desire to make it a life long committment. For me this situation all boils down to protecting the child. The Adults made their own decisions, especially the wife...but the child did not ask for his lift to be torn apart because his mom can't stay committed. DD
If that is the way it ends up going. The only advise I have for you is to learn to deal with being around this guy. Don't talk about any bad feelings you have about him, particularly around your son. It makes things very uncomfortable. My parents got a divorce when I was 16, and both my parents have since got remarried. My mom married her best friend, which has cost my dad much distain. My dad hates my mom's husband because of the fact that he kind of feels he stole her away. It absolutely kills me that I can't put them into a room together. At my college graduation, my dad left immediately because he didn't want to be around him. I'm getting married in August, and I have to figure how to keep them seperate for the wedding, rehearsal dinner and reception. I hate having to do everything two Thanksgivings and Christmas and birthdays. You'll find everything will be better for your son if you are amicable about the situation. Your son will always love you, and he'll never see his stepfather in the same light that he sees you in.
I just had lunch with a friend whose ex husband has put her and her child through hell for the last 3 years. The girl (freshman in HS) just got out of a residential treatment center for depression. The moral of the story is if you can't manage to make the marriage work out, please keep it on the surface friendly for the sake of the kid. I have been married 22 years and it takes hard work. There are times when it just feels like it would be easier to throw in the towel. From friends who have been divorced - the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence. Work hard and try counseling before giving up, especially since there is a child involved. Good luck and see if you can talk her into not seeing him and giving your marriage another try for the sake of the kid. You guys have a lot of years invested in this, and it is worth another try.
i disagree completely. she's already cheating (in the mind and in the will if not in the body), looking for excuses, and pretty much seems like she already made up her mind to divorce him. she would never have gone to him without being sure of that. go to a counselor if you must, but be prepared for disappointment. also, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Make copies of those emails, whatever. Write down the conversations you have with her!
Why is this your problem? IMO your dad is acting selfish. He has moved on with his life yet he can't let it go and he is putting you in between. I could understand if your mom cheated on him with your stepfather...he could hold a grudge for ruining his marriage...but it sounds like they just got divorced. As long as it doesn't get physical (and if it does, your dad shouldn't be invited), IMO you shouldn't worry about it.
I know where to come if I ever need a good marriage counselor! Mogrod I hope that you all do get the help you need.
Listen man. You might want to separate for a while. Say 6 months. Make sure that the kid is covered, but you guys need some space. Just remember this... You can work on yourself, but you can't work on her. If you truly love her, you will let her go. While she is gone, you get a mad case of Rocky theme music and focus on what you can do to improve yourself. 12-step programs are not just for alcoholics. Once you are truly comfortable with yourself as a person, you guys make a mature decision as to what you want to do. When I hear people talking about growing apart, it's sickening. The bottom line is that most people are self-centered and only care about what it takes to please themselves. They don't think about the other person until divorce is mentioned. And then when they split up, they realize how sick they truly are and what an azz they were to the other person. I am speaking from personal experience. You can't can't love her to death, or else you would be dead already.
So mogrod...Any progress or updates? Hope things are working out...Remember, things may not make sense now, but someday they will...
