Nope, I commend you for not seeing her through your "parent goggles." If she's as computer savvy as you say, might I suggest sending her to a trade school like ITT Tech? Me and my dad own our own engineering company, and I can tell you we're ALWAYS looking at ITT grads to do our AutoCAD work. It's a steady job with a decent income, and it would definitely be something she could be proud of. I don't know, just an outside-the-box suggestion. I'm sure she could get a student loan pretty easily, so I don't think money would be an issue. Not for you anyways.
I don't think it's crazy. I think it's experienced. Certainly clinical depression exists and one of the symptoms is lethargy so some care should be taken to see if she has a chemical imbalance. Two, when people get frustrated (Nero in this case) they feel the need to deal with it with ultimatums when in reality the consequences may be worse than the situation. How do you think pimps get ho's? They offer a substitute for family; a pretense of caring, the illusion of acceptance. The worst case of not pushing this is that you have your sluggo daughter around the house. The worst case of forcing the issue could be ... anything. Patience and love is rarely wrong.
Just get her to apply everywhere. To every retail/restaurant you can find, and accept the first job offer that calls. She'll quickly realize whatever job she lands sucks... At the same time have her apply for jobs working in a bakery. If she is fortunate enough to get a job in one...have her quit the other job so she can follow her dream. If she truly enjoys working in a bakery...and feels she can make an enjoyable career out of it...she should then hopefully feel motivated enough to start moving up, and doing what it takes to never have to work in retail or a restaurant again. Just don't kick her out. Instead, support her. Help her look for work, and keep motivating her to make progress. Just stay on top of things...even if you begin to annoy her. She may even get a job just to stop you from bugging her about it...just don't let up. If this still doesn't work...check craigslist...there's all kind of jobs on there...
Also, I highly recommend listening to this podcast. http://www.thepsychfiles.com/2009/08/episode-103-raising-children-interview-with-author-jamie-raser/ This guy has a clinical practice in Houston, and I believe could really help your relationship and help you walk the line between helping and enabling. jraser@deer-park.isd.tenet.edu
How does that matter now? It doesn't. I had a lot of trouble finding a job during the summers at home during college, and I found that the best way to get my foot in the door somewhere is via recommendation/hook-up. If you can help her out on the front, or ask her if she knows someone that can, it's the best opportunity to get her employed. Once she gets a cash flow, she should move out (or at least pay rent).
I chose not to have children but I always wonder what people who decide to have them are thinking. It's a lifetime commitment to the unknown. You, by your choice to procreate, are responsible for a human life, cradle to grave. It's your DNA, your nurturing, guidance, motivation and luck. Life ... all of it.
I have the answer Nero. She should go wait tables. She'll get good life experience, make money and get out of your house. Hopefully she won't fall into the drama and partying that often goes along with it, but it's a good start until she figures out what she wants to do with her life.
WTF is odd or douchey about it? It's about being fully committed with the consequences of your choice or deciding you don't want to be . If children weren't the result of hormonal lust but of a rational well thought out life decision there would be a lot fewer broken ones.
I guess that struck a nerve as it implied that those who have children are nonsensical. If I interpreted wrong, my apologies.
Agree with the waiting tables thing. You can almost always find a job and a lot of the time, there's no experience required. You can go to school during the day and work at night. You can make some pretty good money (from tips) too. Speaking of tips, how do you guys feel about tipping for pickup orders? [ducks for cover] Just kidding!
Why did he bring it up if it doesn't matter? It says something about her. She apparently lacks motivation...and maybe employers are seeing that as well. I dunno what you call that? Silver spoon syndrome?
No I think you are exactly right. She thinks, inside of herself, that she is presenting a pleasant demeanor and willing, hardworking employee when she is in front of people, and in an interview. But her body language, her facial expression, her tone of voice, all radiate apathy and an intense desire NOT to be there, NOT to work, and NOT to have to be made to earn anything. I wouldn't call it silver-spoon though, since we have essentially already taken away everything we can except the roof and food, she doesn't even have a cell phone any more. It's just a combination of low standards mixed with apathy. And I agree with the poster who said that kicking her out, putting her into a sink or swim situation, she might very well sink. This is why I have not kicked her out yet, I don't want her dead by the side of the road somewhere like an abandoned puppy. I think I will look into the Dental Assistant idea, for starters.. As for JuCo, no way. For those who asked, yes she is done with high school, after 5 years (sigh) and essentially being shoved through the system with the absolute barest minimum possible requirements. She just flat-out refused to do homework or assignments of projects of any kind, ever. So it would be a complete waste of money to enroll her in yet more schoolwork. She has not reached that point in her life where she will take that sort of thing seriously. I didn't have gray hair before this one came along. Double sigh.
Okay, this does sound kind of extreme. Have you had her see any kind of mental health professional? Dubious might be right about the depression. Or it could be some other treatable problem. Or it could just be laziness and apathy. But how you handle it depends on nailing down the source of the problem.
On a serious note, have you tried to address WHY she is acting as apathetic as she is.. maybe she has a problem that she needs to deal with before becoming a woman.. Talk to her or have your wife talk to her.
Good luck with your kid Nero. Love her with all your heart. And do your best to get her out of the house doing *something* whether it's work, volunteering, school or travel. Try not to let her just sit around -- even if you get her running around doing chores for you. And don't lose hope about this bit: I've met tooo many retail workers who demonstrate those EXACT attributes! Perhaps she should look into customer service at any of the national chains?
If this was your son, I would tell you to force him to get a job within a month or find another place to live. Since she is your daughter however, I am just going to BEG you to be more patient with her, and not kick her out. Tough love, sure, push her through, even take her out with you and go job hunting together on the weekend, dont worry about embarrassing her. Start small, get her a job as a cashier or something at your local grocery store, it is VERY doable. In the Pearland area alone I am seeing a lot of "now hiring" signs. Just give her a little shove and be stern but fair with her, point out to her that you are giving her more chances than she has earned, and that you are really trying to help her out without enabling her. Be frank with her without overreacting. Teach her responsibility in baby steps, and when she is ready in another year or so and has saved some money then you can kick her out, but at least she will have a job then, or she can just pay rent if she wants to stick around a little longer, and you can have her doing chores, landscaping and the such. Good luck and I am sorry you have to go through this now, but the good news is she is STILL quite young, so dont give up on her just yet. Young women are EXTREMELY vulnerable in our society, and one mistake could literally ruin not just her life, but also YOUR life forever.
