FWIW, Jeff, I think we are on topic....she asked "Why do guys have to be such jerks?", and several posters did a good job of explaining how jerkish they can be. Isabel, I'm sorry you're going thru this. I always have an affinity for long time posters. You can email me if you wish at behad@yahoo.com
Probably very true, Behad. Ditto his sentiments, Isabel. You can do the same with me if you like - jbalke@tworoadsmedia.com
I agree, that we should support Isabel, though I don't know about circling the wagons on Ferdinand. Regardless of what he is doing, it is obviously really bother Isabel, so a change should be made. But I don't want to jump on somebody without hearing their side first. The way he might tell it to his friends they would want to circle the wagons on Isabel. And we all know that would be wrong. I think the important thing is to support Isabel, and realize that it sucks for her to go through what she is going through. If we knew Ferdinand's side then we could be fair, and fairly circle the wagons on him.
Let's be fair. We don't know his side. Everyone has a bad day and when people have bad days, they want to be left alone. We all want people to act a certain way or feel a certain way, especially when we might feel vulnerable. However, since people are co-dependent, it's never that simple or convenient. If it were, there would be no Dr. Phil or Oprah or relationship counselors or the six million self-help books at Barnes and Noble. A large percentage of the economy would go bellyup. It's unfortunate Isabel's husband is not in tune with her needs. Based on her post here and in previous threads, this does not seem uncommon. That's unfortunate and perhaps she should examine (which Im sure she has already done and will continue to do) whether it's all worthwhile. The bottom line is everyone has faults and everyone has choices. You either choose to live with the faults or you make the decision to exit. This is life.
arkoe... she knew what to expect when she posted....she has been here long enough to know how it would probably go. If anything is to be taken from this thread, it is that not all guys are dicks....some of us care about how we come across to our partners, even if it has been a bad day and we are grumpy.
I'm here... I've just been kind of busy this afternoon. Wow, thanks for the support. I expected this thread to just disappear and instead it's gotten all kinds of responses. It is true that you've only heard my side and not his, and I worry about that. I also worry if I'm making too big a deal over this. I have often wished that he would do something obviously bad - like cheat on me or steal from my bank account or hit me - then I could just kick his a$$ out the door and never look back, because I would know I had done the right thing. And doing the right thing is very important to me, for moral reasons... if it would be a mistake on my part to get rid of him, I could live with that, but what if it would 1) be a terrible sin or 2) ruin his life? Instead, it's just a run-of-the-mill lame relationship. I can't complain that he's changed because it's really always been about the same. I just put up with it when I was young and codependent. For the record, he thinks he's done nothing wrong and I am being unreasonable. Sometimes he says "I'm sorry you're feeling that way" in what seems to me to be a cold and condescending manner, while looking down his nose at me. (Then tries to touch me or whatever - but I get the point. It's supposed to be that he's right and I'm wrong.) I just wondered if everyone treated their wife that way when she got upset... even if it was unreasonable. I try to be as reasonable as possible. The problem is that, honestly, I don't know what's normal. This is the only real relationship I've ever been in. Not too many people see us interact much. It's not like I have people lined up (in my non-internet life) to support me. And I don't worry about him telling his friends, because... what friends? More than 90% of his human interaction is with me. He talks to his family but not much; same with people at work. All his "friends" are long-distance and he doesn't see or communicate with them on a regular basis. At least I spend most days and evenings talking to lots of people, so I would think that I would have a better idea of what's normal. Anyway, thanks so much... you don't have to hate him or "circle the wagons". He's not a completely evil person; just one who doesn't realize how difficult he is to live with. He has been told many times that I feel this way and you'd think he would do something about it (or else agree to split up, which would also make me happy). He thinks everything is fine and does not need to change. Again, I appreciate the advice and willingness to listen. Nobody here has made me mad, by the way.
That wasn't my point. Look, if you had a family member that was struggling with their relationship and you knew what their side was, would you go to that person's partner and ask their side then assess the situation? Of course we don't know everything. The point is friends don't start the conversation when a friend has a problem with "well, maybe it is your fault."
Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a long talk. It's not good that you want him to give you a reason to end it. If that's really how you feel, you're in for some trouble if you don't open up the lines of communication and let him know that you're not happy.
Honestly, Isabel, maybe that is just who he is. If that is honestly the way he is acting, maybe that is just his personality and you can then choose to accept it and be happy with the life you've chosen or you can walk away and try something else. If he refuses to change, at least you know what you are up against. There isn't this monumental difference from day to day, week to week, year to year that keeps you guessing and hoping. In this case, he's the same as he ever was and that should be a comfort because it allows you to be the one to make a choice and take control of the situation. If it is intolerable for you, you have a choice. If you can and want to live with it, you can make that choice too. I can tell you that not all realtionships are like yours. I know lots of people who have great relationships that are full of love and mutual respect. Believe me, in many ways I know exactly how you feel about the possibility of ending a relationship. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It is terrifying because even when you have struggles, at least they are FAMILIAR struggles and there is real comfort in that. And, while it isn't the right decision for everyone, it can be for some of us. But, I also believe it can get better and things can be different. Best of luck.
I wouldn't judge synergy so hard, I can understand to some extent where he is coming from. Girls my age baffle me to no end. I watch time after time as guys with outstanding character who are just a bit shy end up getting no female attention. Then complete assclowns with the mental capacity of three toed sloths line up to have their way with the homecoming queen and her slutsquad entourage. But maybe that's just ****ass human nature. Guys are the same way because they'd rather **** the girl who puts out than the nice girl who is way better but won't give it up.
I disagree. A real friend will also try to understand the perspective of the other person involved. Otherwise there is a chance that it will just be kiss-ass advice that does not really help.
There is a very fine line when it comes to blindsiding them with reality or sugar coating it as a way of encouragment. I think the absolute best thing you can do as a friend is simply to listen in the first place. Commenting on the problem isn't the first step, because if you take the time to give them an outlet for their dillemmas you have already done a great deal for them, and they will listen to anything you say as long as it isn't some outlandish horse****.
It is true that some people are jerks regardless of gender. Some women really are just after money or control. I don't like these women and they don't like me. Some guys go for the women who will treat them terribly, and you have to wonder why. We're not all like that. It's probably something to do with these girls being prettier, or else "giving it up" sooner (if the guy is one who expects sex early in a relationship). But there are a lot of guys who don't. That leaves... being prettier. Some of us can only do so much about how we look. Some of us, even if we're in good shape, are not traditionally "cute" and will probably never get as much sympathy from guys. We'll always be the just friends type. As for women who go for the wrong men... a lot of it is immaturity and not knowing any better. Sadly, by the time you know better, it might be too late.
Oh yea Jeff, like I should take advice from you..... Call me stupid, but l'll take a bet that I'm happier than you now and you ever will be. Go get a tattoo if it makes you happy. How about a motorbike. How about bungee jumping. Like I said in an earlier thread I treat my male friends, buddies and rocket/sports fans generally quite well, am very pleasant around them. I was saying that the nice guy routine just doesnt work. Why doesnt someone start a poll asking whether the nice guy approach works most of the time. For me, I used to be nice, and then I realized the true nature of most women, not all, but most. I get plenty out of a relationship with the women I'm with now. As long as they are in my bed each night, I'm happy. Shallow? Yes! But whats wrong with that. How many times have you had more than one girl in bed? Maybe I should post in the "Am I successfull" thread by stating that if I get laid 10 times in a 7 day span, I am successful. But I dont care about that. Its just me playing the girls for the fools they are. Its about stating your claim in their domain. Who said I hated women. You are just assuming that. I love one thing, and you all know what it is. I don't like to hang out with women, I don't like to watch movies with them, I don't like to buy flowers, I dont like to hire women, I dont like to work with them....but i do like to **** If I'm happy and they're not, they can hit the road, but apparently they don't. Why should I be married to someone for 40 years and be a miserable mess. Every married couple I know has had a dissapointed relationship in my opinion. They are just together just for the kids. You old timers just make me laugh, with all your posts saying, blah, blah, blah...married 20,30, 40 years ane being happy. There's nothing wrong with being an bachelor. You guys think too much in the box. College, marriage, kids-same old crap. Why cant you be like Mr. Hefner,Bill Maher, and be a player for life. I bet they're happier than YOU, Jeff. I'm honored to be in your top ten list. Maybe one day I can surpass YoYao and Francis3422. By the way I like the movie Magnolia, with Tom Cruise...
I'd like to amend an earlier post. This new post post by synergy is easily more stupid than the first. You really don't get out much, do you? One thing us "old timers" are good at is spotting a poster that is full of bull****.
Dude, I don't know a single thing about you because your posts are way past the stage of credibilty. Do you honestly think anyone believes you have dozens of women dripping off you because you treat them like dirt? This is a bbs, not fantasyland.
