What I was raised to believe...

... fills me with rage now thinking about it. I was raised to believe in God's grace and mercy. I went to church every Sunday morning and evening, Tuesday nights and even Friday nights sometimes. I grew really passionate about the love of God. When I was five I use to memorize verses, by my teenage years I use to assist in everything I could at church. I was an assistant to the teachers, eventually I became a Sunday school teacher eventually, I helped out in several Vacation Bible Schools, etc..

I believe I have mentioned it here before, I was raised by my uncle and grandmother. Both my mom and dad had their issues which is why I didn't grow up with them. I have one sibling, however, we weren't raised together (she was raised in MX while I was raised here). I went through my struggles as a kid because I wanted a normal family like many of my other friends had. My grandma took me to church and this is where I learned the love of God, therefore there was no reason for me to believe that I didn't have my father with me.

One thing I always prayed for when I was a kid is that one day, my dad, mom and sister would all be a family again. I remember when I was 10 I went to some kids camp and I pleaded at the altar with God that all I simply was my family. Don't get me wrong, my grandma and uncle did a fantastic job raising me, however I still wished for a normal family. Eventually, my dad and mom separation became official by law (although they had been separated for years), and my mom was in my life on a weekly basis. This broke my heart and eventually I found out my mom had a boyfriend and that definitely broke me down.

My dad was someone I always prayed for as well. I always wanted to be close to him, but for reasons of the law, I was never able to share anything with him as I was growing up. My faith was always solid though, I always thought that God would come through for me and everything would be beautiful at his own time. When I was 14, my grandma lost her oldest son, whom was someone I was very close to since my grandma cared for him the last few years of his life. I remember being in the hospital pleading with God that he wouldn't die, but he did.

When I was 16, my grandma lost her oldest daughter, whom I was also very close to. My grandma had also cared for her the last year of her life so she was living at home with us for a few months. I still remember that time, as if it were yesterday. I remember it was a day before she passed away, and I as a teenager filled with God's glory, I brought my family together and I led a long prayer for her life. I remember I went to drag her husband, who wasn't very religious into the room and asked him to put his hands on her. The fire of God was burning inside me. It definitely was devastating when she passed away and I did question God, however, I eventually came to terms that it was the way it was the way God wanted things to be.

During my sophomore year of college, my grandma lost her other daughter who was someone I saw as a mom. At this time, my faith was starting to get shaky. I thought to myself, was has my grandmother done to deserve to lose 3 kids. I pleaded with God why he was doing this to our family. At this point I started straying away from God, however I was hesitant because I thought I was being impatient to his ultimate plan, whatever cynical plan that was.

Last year, a few days before graduation, I lost the uncle who raised me. I lost the person I viewed as my second father. I lost someone who I shared my room with and shared many late talks, etc. I my faith was almost non-existent, but I hung in there. This was my grandmother's youngest son.

This past year has not been easy what-so-ever. My dad is still away from me for legal reasons (I rather not talk about it which is why I don't state where he is but I'm sure you can guess where he is). I've gone through quite a transition in having to be the man of the house and also having to take care of my grandmother. My grandma only had 6 kids, and I guess I'll throw myself in there as the seventh. She's lost 4 kids and my dad has been away from us since I was 2.

I've seen my grandma go through a rough time. She lost her son who cared for her all these years. I see her suffer everyday because her kids are not with her anymore. I use to believe God would be there, but hell I don't believe any of that BS anymore. If there is a God out there, how could he be so cynical. I'm so frustrated to have to watch my grandma cry everyday and know that I am powerless in trying to make her feel better. I hug her, I tell her how much I love her, but it has been tough for her.

I was helping my mom earlier in the year, but her dumbass was caught shoplifting and now she is back in Mexico. I needed her so bad during this tough transition and I had her living here for free, but she couldn't even appreciate that and she went and did something stupid.

I feel really angry every time I think about everything they taught me at church regarding God's love, because quite frankly I don't see it. Everything I have worked for I feel has been through my hard work and I refuse to give anyone invisible credit now as I use to back in the day. I feel like screaming right now because I feel hurt inside watching my grandma sad every day, I hurt knowing that my dad has not been able to share a single important moment in my life, I hurt that my sister simply does not try hard enough to have a relationship with me, even though I'm trying my hardest, I hurt knowing that mom is so ****ing emotionally unstable that she does idiotic things and doesn't understand why I am mad at her. I feel up with rage knowing everything they thought me from the Bible was simply bull****.

I try to stay quiet on this issue, because I know my grandma believes in the Bible and in God. I take her every Sunday to church because I know she loves church, but me, I feel up with rage listening to preachings about God's love, etc etc.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I really needed to write about this somewhere. Thanks for reading.

 

I been dealing with it, I simply wanted to vent man. I know other people have it harder and my **** is no biggie, but I just needed to write it down, so I figured, why not clutchfans.