I met my girlfriend while working in a group with her in my social work class in the spring. We got together one night to work on the project, just the two of us, and we hit it off tremendously. From that night on we were nearly inseperable. Then she graduated (almost exactly a month after we met) and moved back home to Dallas. A few days after she moved back up there, I went to stay with her and her family for a little more than a week and everything went fine. A few days after I left Dallas, she left for Thailand with her family for a 5 week visit to see relatives over there. She had very limited access to a computer while over there and was too strapped for cash to make phone calls. I ended up communicating with her about once a week through e-mail, which sucked, but it was obvious that she missed me greatly, and I missed her tremendously too. Everything was still fine at that point. She left on May 29th and returned on July 7th, but because of the summer courses I'm taking I wasn't able to go visit her until this past weekend. We both couldn't wait to see each other and when I got up there last Thursday it was great. As soon as I walked up to the house she ran out and jumped into my arms and layed one on me. She was very playful and happy to see me. Absolutely normal at this point. So then we go inside and she shows me all this stuff she got me while in Thailand, including a shirt, a bracelet, a necklace, an oil burner, and a key chain that said "Jill <3 Kurt" and the date of the first day we hung out together. Then she shows me all the pictures (100+ of them) from her trip and gives me one in which she had written "I <3 Kurt" in the sand on the beach. Everything was fine and it was obvious that she had been thinking about me a lot while on vacation. Well, we went to sleep and when we woke up the next day it seemed like she was in a strange mood for some reason. I tried to figure her out but I couldn't so I asked her if something was bothering her. She of course said "no". That afternoon she went to work and when she came back we went to see War of the Worlds. She was still acting strangely, so I started acting strangely too and at this point we were in "let's not talk about the elephant in the room" mode. When we got back and were about to go to sleep I asked her what was bothering her and if she wanted to talk about it. She said something was bothering her but she couldn't really put her finger on it or begin to explain it. Well Sunday morning she left me a letter when she went to work (I was still asleep) and the letter basically said that she had experienced feelings of not wanting to be with me anymore, but she didn't know why. She said that she had a lot of stuff to worry about (grad school, getting a "real" job, having to deal with her current job which she hates, etc.) and that I'm a "good distraction". She said that when I'm not around she wants me to be there, but when I'm there she can sometimes get annoyed. So, when she got home from work we talked about it and I told her I understood how she felt. I explained to her that I know what it's like when you have a guest at your house for a long time. No matter who they are or how much you like them, it can get annoying because while they are there solely to see you, YOU have stuff to do in, around, and out of the house. When you come home from work they are there, when you get out of the shower they are there, when you wake up they are there, when you just want to be alone for a while they are STILL THERE. I've been in the situation a couple of times myself and it can really get on my last nerve, regardless of how much I like the person. You just don't want to feel like you have a ball and chain around your leg ALL the time. So, I totally understand how she could get annoyed with me in that aspect. I also told her that I understand her situation as far as not liking her job and having a lot of stuff to take care of in terms of her educational and professional future, and that I'm sure it didn't make the present situation any better. She basically told me that everything I said had crossed her mind and that it all sounded like legitimate arguments for why she had experienced those feelings of not wanting to be with me anymore, or not wanting to be around me. She acknowledged that she had been b****y the past couple of days and that she hoped the feelings had passed and that we could put it behind us. We went out to lunch, came back and watched a movie, then some TV and then I had to leave for Houston. For the most part after that conversation we had, things were normal again...or at least as normal as could be expected considering what we had experienced the days before. I would normally not go back to see her for a good while, perhaps 3 weeks or so but we had already made plans for me to go up there this weekend again for her birthday which is Friday. On one hand I don't want to "annoy" her with my presence by visiting again so damn soon, but I also want to sustain normality in the relationship by not changing month-old plans to visit her on her birthday. I'm really worried that things will just get worse, but I also can't wait to get back to her and see if they can get better. As unfortunate as it may be, I have not been in many significant relationships and nothing that had seemingly gone so well for three months as this one had. My mother said that the breaking points for most relationships are at three months and three years. It usually gets tough right around those points but if you can get past them things are usually pretty healthy. I just find it hard to explain this situation because she was obviously still very much interested in me and our relationship, as shown by all the stuff she got me while in Thailand and her demeanor the first night I was there. Then like night and day (literally) she wakes up the next day and is like a different person. I keep thinking she might just be bored or unimpressed with me, but on the other hand it just doesn't seem like it would happen so quickly like that. Maybe she just had a lot of frustration about other things in her life bottled up and having me there as a "distraction" gave her some way to release some of that frustration. I really just don't know. So, I'd like some input from those of you who have been through longer relationships and perhaps even marriage. I'd especially like it if I could get some comments from any of you who have been in a relationship toward the end of college where you and/or your partner may have had a lot of uncertainties and outside frustrations which may have caused some problems similar to mine. Do any of you experience times in your relationship where you just get uninterested in your partner or have doubts about whether you really want to be with them? If so, have you been able to work through them? Do you see them as a natural thing that you just have to deal with from time to time? I really don't know if this even makes too much sense but I'm tired of having it run around in my head all day and not getting it out so I figured typing it out might be therapeutic. I think it was, especially if I can get some advice. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this.
This is still a relatively new relationship. I wonder if she romanticized it in her head and thought nothing but good thoughts of you while she was gone (all this "Jill <3 Kurt" stuff) and maybe even idealized it too much. Then the reality somehow didn't seem so great, and she didn't know why. She seems to be stressed and may still be trying to figure out what she wants. If you can stand it, and if she still wants you to, go ahead with your plans to see her. Otherwise, she'll think you stood her up on her birthday and that looks really bad. See how things go. Again, this is still a new relationship and things are still settling in.
Yeah, I'm definitely going up there tomorrow. She never said anything about not wanting me to, but it's something I've thought about myself. I talked to her a little while ago and even said jokingly that I was coming up there tomorrow "for better or worse". I explained to her that I wanted to give her time to herself but that I didn't think I should at the cost of backing out of our plans for her birthday. I know it's still a new relationship, but I get the feeling that we're hitting that wall where the infatuation is starting to wear off. I haven't really been in great relationships in the past...the girls I have dated turned out to be really immature and not very caring. I don't need to be entertained by her to know I want to be with her because I realize how good I have it simply because I have someone who I can care about, who cares about me, who I get along with and wants similar things out of life. Maybe she hasn't realized that yet and is dealing with the absence of that initial infatution. I just hope she comes around.
Just... give it time. Try not to pressure her too much, but don't let yourself get run over either. She needs to understand that you will be there for her, and want her. At the same time you shouldn't press the point... If she really wants you, she'll come around. It sucks, I know, but the alternatives are either turning mean and making demands (which wil kill things) or getting walked all over (which will kill things + hurt like a b****). Lay your cards out and wait.
Fancy meeting Isabel in a relationship thread. j/k I'm no relationship expert, but feelings can be a lot more complicated than we conceptualize them. As Isabel pointed out, people bring expectations to relationships, and these can be both conscious and unconscious. It sounds like she genuinely cares about you, but she also may have unconscious fears about the relationship. It sounds like you're handling it perfectly. You're open; you talk, you try to empathize, and you affirm. I think successful relationships begin and end with listening, and by listening, I mean listening with your full attention and an open mind. It's easier said than done, but it sounds like you're doing a good job so far. I think doubts and baggage are a common part of relationships. Relationships are rarely ideal, not always fun, and take a lot of work. But if you care about her, she cares about you, it feels right, and you're willing to put forth the effort to keep it going, I wouldn't worry about it not working out. There are no guarantees of course, but no relationships are static. At the end of the day, they're very much still the products of people committed to keeping it going. Good luck. And don't worry too much.
Thank you for your input and concern. I guess I'm handling it pretty well, especially in comparison to how I think I would have two or three years ago. I'm trying to be as mature about it as possible and I'm all about communication, but sometimes she finds it hard to put her feelings into words. That obviously makes things difficult because communication only works if both people participate. I'm apprehensive about how things will go up there this weekend, but I'm also curious to know if she's really willing to put those feelings behind her and work to stay together. One thing I find it really hard to deal with is uncertainty, so hopefully after this weekend I'll have a better idea of what's going on, whether it be good or bad. We shall see.
She was desperate and lonely, now that you're around you aren't all she cracked you up to be. She'll either deal with it, or kick you to the curb. Probably the latter. Love sucks, watch sports.
ClutchCityReturns, The first thing that came through my mind as I was reading your initial post was the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." To me it is obvious that she likes you but she may get the feeling that you are smothering her by being around all the time. This will probably kill you, but if you can stand it - try to do something else this weekend instead of being with her. Of course, you will have to make up a plausible (believable) excuse. Because if you don't, she will see that you are blowing her off. And then wait to see if you hear from her. I don't envy you because you are in a tough spot. You will have to ratchet things down somewhat if you want to keep this relationship alive, but it is definitely frustrating to try to "pull back", if you see what I am saying. Just realize that if the impression is given that you like her more than she does you, then you are either going get dumped (because she will feel you are too accessible or even too "needy") or she will start treating you like a biyotch. And you don't want either one of these things to happen. Good luck.
I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks, 5 of which she was on the other side of the planet during which we communicated about once a week through e-mail. I don't understand how much more absence there could possibly be. It just doesn't make sense because she obviously WAS fond of me that first night I went up there to see her, and then the next day she was distant and bothered. There was absolutely no warning. Like I said, she feels like she has a ton of things up in the air right now in her life and without going into too much detail, she has been known to exhibit depressive behavior when she gets overwhelmed. Maybe things came to a head while I was there. I just don't know. She usually runs into PMS right around this time of the month too, but I don't see why she wouldn't have mentioned that as a possible factor.
Isabel's got it. She's romanticizing. All that cutesy <3 stuff is either idealistic and over-dramatic (when early in the relationship) or sincere and humorous/cute (when seen as a throwback to innocence during a mature relationship). Obviously, you two are still at the beginning. You shouldn't diss her on her birthday. You've handled it perfectly so far - being open, talking about the elephant in the room, and not whining/complaining. Your plan: 1) go see her on her birthday 2) do something else in Dallas without her - go see a Rangers game, go check out AA Arena, go downtown, etc. Go do a "guy" thing. Meet up with some other Dallas friends, if you know anyone there. If she wants to come along, fine. Let *her* make that call. You don't ask. 3) Don't panic. All guys know that girls are crazy and make no sense. All girls know that guys are crazy and don't know it.
She'll be 24 on Friday and I'll be 23 on Sept. 6th. She just graduated from U of H and I'll be finishing in the spring. So as far as a difference in age or maturity level, it's insignificant. Now, whether you think 23-ish is young or not, that's obviously subjective.
I post in these threads because I feel like it's the least I can do when everyone takes the time to post in my threads. Not that I'm necessarily a source of good relationship advice. Now, if you can find someone who's managed to be successful in their own relationships... ClutchCityReturns - you'll just need to give her time to settle on her feelings. (PMS may be a factor; apparently it does alter moods for some girls.) No offense to Manny, but go ahead and go up there, especially now that you've told her you would. The last thing you need to do is introduce lies and games into the relationship. Hopefully she will see that she is lucky to have a guy who communicates with her and encourages discussion. A lot of guys have serious trouble with that. moestavern19 - bitter? Rocket104 - interesting comment about everybody being crazy. You know, we use sentiments like "women are no good" or "guys suck" to explain a lot of things, but I think it goes beyond gender... it's just human nature. We're all pathetic creatures in our own way...
Wow that sounded a lot harsher after I read it just now. But of course that is about all I understand. I'm sure your situation is not as bad. Carry on.
If everything goes to hell you could always use this: http://goodbyebitch.com/ Just trying to lighten the mood.
She's a woman. She's definitely romanticized it all; the gifts and the 'I love...", and 'together forever' type stuff is evidence of that. But while you understand the reality of it, it will hit her like a ton of bricks. Especially if she's had all this time to look at from only that movie-like, romantic view. And particularly if it's a relatively new relationship. When it gets back to reality, it's a different story. If she decides that she's got too much going on, has other things she 'wants to do' or has to focus on before committing, there's really nothing you can do. She's going to tell herself that it's 'just not the same' (which in reality what's mostly changed is her perception of it) and she just doesn't feel the same way around you (which means the butterflies and cutesy stuff of a new relationship has started to fade) and so she'll believe that it means, somehow, that maybe she needs to be apart. Until, of course, she realizes that reality doesn't work that way - that sometimes the butterflies don't show up - and that you were a good guy when measured realistically. By then, however, it may be too late. GO to the birthday. You should do that. But don't be clingy, don't keep bringing it up. There's nothing really you can do. As someone mentioned, spend time for yourself. You must make it clear that you are just as strong, and independent, as she is. Perhaps she should worry that it 'just isn't the same' for you as well. It can work out. It may even happen down the line. But you have to realize that your logic (i.e., 'but we obviously care about each other') won't intersect with hers. That's just how it happens. Good luck.
What the hell...I did it just for fun but it came out all funky. They need to give better instructions, I think. By the way, she called me earlier and although the conversation was only maybe 5-10 minutes long, it felt like pulling teeth. Lots of silence and tension...I even apologized for being boring (but she knows I hate talking on the phone in the first place). She asked me what time I was coming up tomorrow and I said I wasn't sure, but maybe later than last time. She said that was fine and we said goodnight. I am now hoping for the best, but preparing for and expecting the worst. Good thing all I got her for her birthday was a $14.95 DVD, a card, and another card that I made from scratch. We have no dinner plans or anything, but I was thinking of getting her a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake because she loves those things. So at most this birthday shouldn't cost me more than $50...so if things go bad I don't have to kick myself in the ass too hard lol. I hope that isn't the case, but the pessimist in me is in full effect right now. EDIT: Just in case anyone thinks I'm an ass for going cheap on her birthday, it's not my fault. She's one of those rare girls that insists that guys don't buy her a lot of stuff. She almost always offers, and sometimes insists on paying for stuff when we're out. So, I would get her something nicer if it wouldn't upset her, but it would.
Uhmm, it seems like this is a long distance relationship, and if it is, I can tell you from experience, it's very very hard to keep a long distance relationship.(especially if you're young) (and another thing, I don't think it's a healthy way to live) It's just a hard way to keep things good, and it more than likely it will become a problem, but if this person means alot to you, my advice is just to make the most of it, it when the time comes to let things go, just let 'em go. But uh guess don't give up, and make the most of what you have. Good luck.
Oh I've been through long distance before so I know what you mean. The thing about this relationship is that my schedule is very flexible and allows me to travel to Dallas pretty much any weekend I feel like it. Also the plan was to move up there (not live together though) once I graduate in the spring, as long as we're still together of course. So the distance is/would be somewhat temporary. I know it's definitely not the most healthy scenario, because like I said, I've been through it more than once. I've made it work for quite a long time though, and she had a long distance relationship for a while as well, so it's not new to her either. Hopefully the distance won't be the death of our relationship, but it's possible. It's not a whole lot of fun most of the time.
