Naturally I thought of this place when I read this. How sad. It is hilarious though! Sorry if it's been posted. HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledg it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stun k the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATER MELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
That's CLASSIC. I do ALL of that. I thought it was just me! I totally agree about the courtesy flush. If everyone would do their part, there would never be a smelly bathroom and everyone's pooping experience would be enhanced. I flush that bad boy as soon as it leave the ass. As far as the farting goes, another thing you can do is stick a couple of Downy fabric sheets in your back pocket(s). Then when you fart, they come out smelling APRIL FRESH.
Really? If I have to take dump, I have to take a dump! If I can hold it I will, but for example, at school, I have found he cleanest less visited bathrooms to take care of my number 2 needs in if necessary
i usually never poop anywhere but home unless absolutely freakin neccessary. luckily for me there is a nice five star hotel near where i work. they have the cleanest bathrooms. at school however, the bathrooms are a cesspool. i have perfected the art of shytting without my ass touching the seat. its basically bending backwards alittle postioning thy ass over toliet , but remeber to hold on to your pants.
I am such an Uncle Todd when my friends are taking craps. They tell me they don't wanna fart or poop until the person leaves.
i caught a girl crop dusting today. i saw her in my area of the office and i was like what is she doing over here? the work staff she is part of never come over to my side of the office. she walks down the hallway turns and walks back and then it hits me. i am not sure if i should call her out on it but i am tempted.
Bwahaha I've done alot of these.... Man can't believe soemone took the time to write are thoughts about the situation.
A chick HAD to have written that "how to poop at work" thing. Men are proud of their bodily functions. Sure, when you're in the office among your co-workers, you want to use some discretion, like going into the hallway to cut the cheese, or quickly leaving your cubicle after an SBD to avoid being blamed. In the bathroom, however, anything goes. Sometimes, I'll let out a big "AHHHHH!" after ripping one on the toilet...
