A good friend of mine has been battling some pretty terrible chronic illnesses for years, and has decided to quit treatment. This will lead to her eventual death, probably within the next six months or so. She's only 28 and has been a close friend of my wife and I for many years. Thing is, if you saw her on the street, you'd probably never know she's sick. And it will probably be that way until shortly before she's gone. I understand why she's doing this, and I dont question her decision. But I do find myself questioning how I interact with her. My every moment/message/talk with her feels funereal. Do I bring up her impending death, or ignore it? Talking about it feels like I'm making her last days a somber mess. Ignoring it feels like living a lie and being idisingenuous. I guess I'm venting more than anything, but has anyone else ever dealt with something like this?
If I were in your shoes, I'll make sure to make her day better. Why talk about something she's already well aware of? Why not take her mind off it? Make her remaining days memorable.
live for the moment now. she needs a friend now, someone that will give her life again. you and the wife should go take her out as much as possible to do new things and have a good time!
I know this is hard for you and your wife. But it isn't about you. Sounds like she is choosing to take control vs the doctors.
My mom was actually diagnosed with cancer a year ago and I know what you're saying...every moment you have (especially any conversation at the hospital or anything like that ) will always have that sadness in the back. just two people putting on a smile while trying to enjoy the moment despite being so hurt inside. but we did the best we could to keep her happy and comfortable and to avoid the topic so that she could enjoy the moment. nobody wants to be reminded that they're dying or that they're sick. They are well aware of it. They probably think about it every night when there are no distractions occupying their mind. My mom passed a way about month ago, and all I can say is, if you can give them a reason to stay happy and smiling it'll be better for everyone
This is probably one of the best things I've read on this board. Deal with problem and don't let it creep in my mind so that I don't feel sad for them but instead don't talk about it with them. It sucks.
One of my dear friends has pancreatic cancer and has chosen a similar oath, we chose to just act normally. Better to create good lasting memories, IMHO. DD
Don't miss out on the opportunity to be with her and just be her friend. One of my closest friends and mentor died about 4 years ago. I knew he had been sick but it appeared he would recover. Then, one day out of the blue, he was in ICU. I had put off coming in to see him before this happened and I never got to talk to him again. It still haunts me a little that I never got a chance to say goodbye and to tell him how much he meant to me.
this is the biggest thing. it can happen all so quick. I didn't get to say goodbye to my mother either because nobody knew it was gonna happen so quick. biggest thing OP is to be there man, I can't say that enough. Don't let time determine anything, let the moments man determine her life
Bro what can be said, really sorry to hear about your situation. If I were in your shoes, as difficult as it would be, I would try my best to keep creating new memories with her. You don't want 6 months to go by and you made everything awkward, you would hate yourself for it. Memories are the only things we have when our loved ones pass away and honestly that's what makes it easier to keep going in life. I've lost several people that were very important to me in my lifetime and I can happily say that I have some damn good memories of those loved ones in my heart. It's what lifts me up again when I sit down on my down time and think about those that have passed on. Build memories bro, just cherish her, show her love, just create memories that you will always carry in your heart.
^^^ My deepest and sincerest condolences to you and your family. Losing a loved one, especially one as close as a mother is one of the hardest things we all have to go through! OP, I'm not in favor of just being idle and letting her give up! You didn't say what her illness is, and we don't need to know, but you did say that to the casual stranger she would appear to be fine. My advice is that you and your spouse, and anyone who has a close relationship with her shower her with as much love as possible! Show her that there are people who really care about her and that you want to have her around as long as possible! Let her know that you're standing right beside her fighting this disease! As long as she is alive and fighting this illness there is hope that she can overcome this illness! Try to avoid talking about the disease and death and try to talk about fond memories and future plans that she is also going to be a part of! When you feel that you are part of a close group you are less likely to want to give up and are more likely to fight for the benefit of others. I know my viewpoint and advice might not sit well with some here, but it's something that I strongly feel! Hopefully you'll give us some good news regarding her in the near future! ....... ....... .......
What you're dealing with is no where near what your friend is dealing with. Find some courage like your friend did and face it.
Every person is different. Some days, you just want to continue living your life. Other days, you want to talk through things. I know because I have first hand experience. Last February I was told I had three to four months left to live due to an undiagnosed autoimmune disease. I chose to continue living every day life by continuing to date, go to work whenever possible and see my friends and family. Many times I wanted to pretend like things were fine — which certainly was hard for others as they saw me lose 25% of my body weight and have seizures — while other times I needed someone to talk to cope with the end. All of this to say, be clear that you're available to talk only if they want. If not, you continue to do your best to have a normal interaction. Just continue to be supportive. I'm sorry for all involved.
Last year saw a good friend in hospice care, whose death was close and all he wanted to talk about was the garage sale we were having that weekend. He just wanted normal conversation.
Just to have another view of things, but she's not necessarily deciding to die. She has a terminal disease meaning she will die whether she chooses or not. Rather, she's deciding to end things on her own terms. Treatment can be brutal for a lot of people. It's not easy. It can prolong your life, but patients can endure long periods of suffering during treatment to only extend a hard life. It sounds like she's been treated for years and has grown tired of it. Support her decision. It's not one she made lightly. Treat her as if she wasn't ill. Make these last moments you have with her memories that you'll both cherish.
i deal with this situation a lot and you just have to respect what she wishes. be a friend and do what she wants, talk about what she wants, and take her to do stuff that she wants. it is her decision and most people cant accept it because we are selfish beings. you don't realize how tough it is on her and the pain she goes through. if people actually saw how much suffering people go through, they would never ask someone to keep going if they know they don't have anything left. crap happens and it happens to the best of people, we just have to accept it and help the situation as much as possible. good luck, make her smile, you never know when you get to see that smile for the last time.
