alright, I'm going to throw a few logs onto the fire. I'll have to explain a little: I met a girl this summer on a trip to houston. she's gorgeous, better looking than any girl I've dated. surprisingly, she was into me, too. however, I live in dallas. we kind of did the phone thing back and forth for a couple of months. one complicating factor was that she has a psycho ex-boyfriend. . . now, I know the term "psycho ex-boyfriend" gets thrown around a lot, but he truly fits the term: 49 calls on her cell phone the night I met her, hacks into her e-mail to read it, cut up her desk calendar when she quit her job where they both worked. anyway, I asked her out once, but she said that she wasn't ready to be dating yet. I said that was cool. then, about a month later, she said she wanted to be my date to a wedding that was bringing me to houston. so we went to the wedding, had a fabulous time. that week, I came back to dallas and we talked on the phone each night. it was starting to be "on". I drove to houston the next weekend, and we had our first official date. again, fabulous. only, when she got home that night, her pyscho ex called her and was all "who have you been with? why are you just getting home?". she freaked. she called me in dallas the next week and said she didn't think we should see each other any more. that was about 3 weeks ago. she said she thought she still had feelings for the ex, and she didn't think it was right for her to be starting something with me if she still had feelings for him. since then, I've been trying to figure out what to do. she's young, and I'm trying to be patient with some of the immaturity. but I don't know. . . last night, I called her just to say hey and chat. we haven't really been talking for most of the last 3 weeks. when I called, she said she was having dinner with her parents. she asked if she could call me back, and I said sure, thinking she probably wouldn't call. then, about 15 minutes later, she called. however, she hung up before I could answer the phone. then, when I tried to call her back, she didn't answer. she never called again. it was very weird. after reading all the insight various bbs'ers have had, I just wondered if anyone might like to try to make some sense of her very peculiar behavior. I never expected her to call me back last night in the first place. then, she calls but hangs up, doesn't leave a message, then won't answer her phone. . . very strange. thoughts anyone? hell yes, this is much cheaper than actual therapy!
-If shes too co-dependant on her phsycho ex-boyfriends' drama, then maybe she's phsycho too! BEWARE -I'd be patient but not very. Don't put up with that sh*t. Be #1 or don't be anything at all...unless of course you wanna be "just friends", unless of course you need more "just friends". -Don't close all your options in Dallas!
I second mr oily. The bad news is, you won't get anywhere with this girl until she finds the courage to order the psycho ex-boyfriend out of her life or get a restraining order against him, which seems like it will be necessary, given your description of his behavior. Right now, she can't even find the strength to figure out that just because he tells her she's supposed to be faithful to him (in some weird way) doesn't mean that's true. The good news is, you're probably better off not getting anywhere with this girl, because it sounds like she's formed the kind of personality that bonds with psycho boyfriends and can't figure out how to sever her emotional ties to them. I've been with this type, and in the unlikely event that she can be "healed," you'll be the one playing the shrink for a long, long time before you can comfortably play the boyfriend.
thanks, mr. o. I'm definitely not closing my options in dallas. part of my problem is that I'm stupidly picky, so I don't allow myself many options. but if something comes along in dallas, I'm definitely not going to sit on my hands because of "houston". as far as her co-dependency, that's where I'm kind of torn. sometimes, she seems like she's legitimately trying to grow past that. sometimes, she just seems like the next candidate to play loretta lynn in a movie about women and the abusive assholes who love them. I think I may cut her too much slack because she's young. and her hotness, too. but I think about who I was and what an F-up I was when I was her age, and I think "ah, she'll grow out of that, and when she does, plickety-plack-ack-owwwww!". but what's up with her calling and then turtling? are these just baby games she's trying to play? does she know me? does she know where I live? . . sorry, I had to slip into Swingers mode for a sec.
thanks, Will. even though I don't want to hear it, I know you're probably right. but I'm still stumped about last night's phone weirdness. that's the thing I'm really curious to hear people's opinion on. . . do y'all think she chickened out? is she trying to be coy? her calling but then bailing and not answering her phone was the part that just completely threw me for a loop.
Ah, hotness. Let me pass along the best advice a friend ever game me about love. I had a psycho sort-of-but-not-entirely-ex-girlfriend once. Very hot. I figured, psycho is fixable, but ugly is permanent. I made that point to my friend. I said, "You can't make someone beautiful." And he said, "Yeah, but you can't make someone sensible, either." He turned out to be so right.
Just curious, how old is she? I generally agree with not dealing with "psychoness" but you don't want to give up without leaving a door open. I say wait a week or two, then send her some flowers with a note letting her know that you'd really like to get to know her but that you understand she has some issues to deal with. Expect nothing and don't wait around for her. If she calls you back then maybe ya got something.
Man, there are a million fine girls in the world, but not all of them bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.
You don't say how old she is; I'm not sure that it matters. Walk away. If you see any signs of non-commital... walk away. Walk away before you get too involved and suffer a painful breakup. I made this exact mistake. I was single for 6 years between marriages. I dated a girl from a few months; we both had kids and lived in different towns about half an hour apart. She was leaving a relationship; I had left one.... if you get my drift. In the end, she ended-up back with her boyfriend. My feeling was that she had used time with me to forge a better commitment from him... but damn we had some good times. Nevertheless, it hurt because I was crazy about her; she was a completely fascinating woman. We were on a wavelength if you know what I mean. She wanted to keep seeing me even though she was going back with her boyfriend. I told her no thanks to that arrangement.
she just turned 21 a couple of months ago. I'm 27. does anyone have any thoughts about the weird phone thing last night? I pretty much agree with the advice everyone has given about walking away, letting her call me, etc. and I appreciate everyone chiming in on that. but it's the phone thing from last night that has me vexed. it would have made total sense if she just hadn't called me back at all. like I posted earlier, that's what I expected. but then she calls, hangs up before I get to the phone and won't answer when I call her back. ???? I think the fresh prince had it right: "girls of the world ain't nothing but trouble". by the way, SamCassell, I got a good laugh out of your lasagna line.
Well, after my recent phone escapade, just let go. By that I mean don't stress yourself out about it. Maybe she had to leave right after she called. Maybe she got another call right when she called you and was distracted. In any case, she sounds alot like my ex and if that's the case, you're probably better off letting go of the whole situation.
Maybe she wasn't having dinner with her parents but rather with her ex-boyfriend. And maybe he's the one that tried to call you to find out who was calling her but she hung up the phone. I love a good conspiracy...
chievous: I have a theory about the phone thing. It could be that this girl saw this psycho looney tune of an ex driving down the street right when she was fixing to call you. Or even worse, he may have come over to her house as she was calling. Boy, this sounds somewhat similar to another relationship that I had. This girl was the one that played me for a fool (I have eluded about that in the past..in some other threads). Anyway, she had this big crush on this older guy that I knew but she had told him that she wasn't ready to get serious, and that is why she didn't want to consider our relationship to be more than friends...yet she kept doing things to me to make me think that there could be something more, i.e. leading me on. Anyway, she used to tell me these bizarre stories about him. It seems that he was pissed that she didn't want to get serious with him, even though she changed her mind about that. She started telling me that he knew things like how many times people had called her and what she had on or didn't have on when she was in the bathroom. Definitely sounded like to me that he was stalking her, but then I sorta threw that out when I realized that SHE was psycho. So, I would think that he might be stalking her...wouldn't put it past him. She probably was sincere in calling, but something happened that reminded her of him and she did what she did to you. I know that I'm the last one here to tell you this, but I think it might be wise to let this one drop. Looking back at it, I'm so thankful that things didn't work out between the two of us.
chievous, screw the therapy lessons. Dude, she wants you. You can take this women to bed. Just don't fall for her. The best way to get her to change is to give her great sex, first, and ride out the emotional garbage without attaching to it. I'd go for her. But get your emotions out of it. And also, this last phone call: that was her boyfriend calling you back, not her. She was not eating with her parents, imo. This girl is still sleeping with her ex. He is not really her ex; she just says that to you. But, you can steal her away. But you are not going to accomplish anything until you have sex with her. There is a good chance she can't break up with him completely, because her libido is getting the better of her. Weird boyfriend or not, don't overthink the situation and call her co-dependent who needs time. You don't really know that to be true. All sexy 21 yr olds who I met with weird boyfriends like this who couldn't break up, they all had to be stolen away. Unfortunately, your window of opportunity as the "nice guy" might have expired. Eventually, some "jerk" with no emotional attatchment, but who makes her laugh or who has big bucks, is going to steal her away from the other jerk. I guarantee you that some of her friends told her to give you a try and were rooting for you to take her to bed. The big *ouch* is if she went back to them and said, "But he won't make any moves."
What a bunch of p***y whipped guys Instead of falling in love with them, make them fall in love with you. Then you decide if you want to take it to the next level. **** this "i don't know what she thinks, wants, or understands" Establish what kind of commitment you want. Don't hold out on one girl. Keep a few in the loop. Let them know there is competion. Also let them know they are leading the competion. In otherwards, have some ****ing balls!! Put your experince and your clear-headed thinking first instead of your emotions. Most women want guys in control. Don't be afraid to lose the girl. Stand up to her. And for Christs sake, quit concentration on how good she looks. She's not some toy you show off. The outside will grow old and wither, but the inside will stay the same.
It was the boyfriend calling you back. Star 69!! Sounds to me like she's playing both of you guys. It's time to turn the tables or get out of that game. Blow her off and see if she calls you. If she does, tell her how great things are. Dont' ask her how things are going for her, just talk about yourself. Girls are suckers for conceited men. You don't have to be conceited, just act it. If she has any interest in you at all, she'll bite. Then YOU are the one in control of the situation. If she doesn't bite, no big deal. Move on. And for goodness sake, go out and get a piece this weekend. Nothing makes you feel better than a warm............
