I feel like **** and need to talk with someone. I already called everyone I know, and the people here are knowledgeable so I thought I would give it a shot. I used match.com in January and met a girl that I fell in love with. We have been going out for the past 5 months, and things were going good. She even talked about marriage with me and moving in together, etc. Things started going sour the past few weeks. She had always expected me to pay when we went out, and I obliged until a few weeks ago when I said I would appreciate if she could chip in a little because I am broke. That and the fact that I lost my temper a few times around her (but never cursed at her or did anything physical), turned her off. She started giving me the cold shoulder a bit and so I became paranoid. I checked if she was still using match.com, and it turned out that she was. I confronted her about it and I was really angry about it. She said she wasn't seeing anyone on it but she was having serious doubts about our relationship but didn't want to tell me yet because I was always so negative. She said she just started using match.com the past few days just for fun and just to look at whats out there. She said that my temper, negativitiy, and the fact that I cursed occasionally really turned her off. She denied that me asking her to contribute money when we went out as a reason. I gave her an ultimatum... either stay with me exclusively or we're finished. She said she wants space and wants to take a break. Later on, I called her and told her I thought she was making a mistake but I respected her decision and that it was fate if we were to get together again. I feel like **** right now. I havent slept or eaten in two days. My question is... how do I get over this, and is it over between me and her? It hurts even more because we were still having a good time less than two weeks ago when we went on vacation together. I still have the sunburn to prove it.
Time will do it. Not much else will. You should try and go out a few times, but don't get serious with anyone, and don't give people you are going out with the impression that you intend to get serious. Just go out, and try to have some fun. Right now you need to have a good time. It will make you forget her for a bit. But know that you will keep thinking about here for a while still. Allow yourself an 1/2 an hour a day to feel miserable about it, and then make sure you go out and do something. Getting on with our life will be the best thing you can do.
Sounds like it was not a perfect match anyway. But cursing around her and losing your temper is not going to help you in ANY relationship. DD
I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but... no, anyway, a few suggestions: -she can't realistically expect you to pay for everything all the time. Hopefully she knows this. Otherwise, well, see above. -if you lost your temper around her, apologize and make sure to work on it in the future (with her or with the next girl you go out with) -No offense, but the ultimatum may not have been fair, especially without giving her some time to sort it out. She may have wanted to pull back a bit and have some space to think about what she wanted/ make the relationship less serious, without losing any possibility of ever getting it back. I think that's reasonable. -quite possibly you weren't that good of a match... of course, normally I would say "that's what happens with Internet relationships", and myself I avoid them entirely, but they seem to work for some people around here.
I have a friend by the name of Boville, who will be chipping in on this thread in the near future. He is an expert in these matters. BTW: Your first mistake was getting used to paying for everything. In today's society, women want to be treated as equals. You should have made it clear early in the relationship that she would be expected to shoulder some part of the burden. 2nd mistake would be how you handled her **** test. Giving you the cold shoulder is just testing you, like all females do. The proper response would have been to not be bothered by it. Becoming paranoid and checking match.com was the exact opposite of the correct response. You showed your insecurity in a big way. All women are manipulative, even if they don't know it. You have to handle the tests correctly. "I confronted her about it and I was really angry about it." By becoming angry about it, you compounded your mistake. Even if you checked match.com and she found out you'd been snooping, you could have salvaged it by acting like it didn't bother you. You could have even visited match.com yourself and left the screen up for her to find. "She said she wasn't seeing anyone on it but she was having serious doubts about our relationship but didn't want to tell me yet because I was always so negative." Translation, this is over and I'm hanging around until I find somebody else so I don't have to be lonely and maybe get some free meals out of it. "She said she just started using match.com the past few days just for fun and just to look at whats out there. " Translation, she's probably already talking to a few guys on the site. "I gave her an ultimatum... either stay with me exclusively or we're finished." Big time mistake. Ultimatum's are pointless. Now she has all the power. "She said she wants space and wants to take a break." Translation, it's over. "Later on, I called her and told her I thought she was making a mistake but I respected her decision and that it was fate if we were to get together again." Another major mistake. No offense, but that's the last gasp of a pathetic, needy, individual. At least that's how she's going to interpret it. "I feel like **** right now. I havent slept or eaten in two days. My question is... how do I get over this, and is it over between me and her? It hurts even more because we were still having a good time less than two weeks ago when we went on vacation together. I still have the sunburn to prove it." Try to stop thinking about her and the situation. Learn what you can from this, then put it out of your head. Every guy has been in your position, and it sucks. Sleep. Eat something. Go out with your guy friends, watch a game, have fun. Do what you like doing. Do you have hobbies? You get over it by having sex with somebody more attractive than this person. Don't think about this person, take everything that reminds you of her and stash it away. Don't think about what a good time you were having. It takes time man. You'll pull through eventually.
The ultimatum was wrong, but being deceitful in a relationship is not reasonable. How can you honestly say that? And then women complain about how guys are terrible communicators.
it might be beneficial for both of you to spend some time apart to see what ya'll really want...u might wanna go back on match.com yourself and then after some time holla back at her
thanks for the advice all. I couldn't give her time and I had to give her the ultimatum because I just felt wronged by what she did in looking for other guys. If she was gonna be looking around for other guys, then I don't want to be in a relationship like that. In terms of us not matching because we met off the internet, I don't think so. I felt we were a good match and she said we made a cute couple. Both of us rarely use the internet for dating services, but we just happened to meet the one time that we both used it. Things were going so well. She even seriously said at one point that she wanted us to get married within 2 years time, she gave me the keys to her place, she wanted me to move in with her this July, etc. I miss her so much. She was so caring and affectionate. It made me feel good inside. I miss how she would laugh and her sweet voice. I feel like Karl Malone just kneed me in the nutz.
move on. its not like u spent years with this girl. even if you two get back together, its not going to be the same. the feelings you two once had for each other will only be a fraction of what it once was. live and learn. more fish in the sea. go fishing?
Isabel, she did want more time to think it over, but it was 12 am last night and I hadnt slept in close to 48 hours. I told her that I wanted an answer then and there so that the agony wouldn't be prolonged. She did say we got too serious too fast and that she wanted to date me casually but I just interpreted that as meaning she wanted to use me as a backup in case it didnt work out with some other guy she wanted. Do you think thats what she meant? If not, I can still date her casually if I wanted to. Burzmali, thanks for the reality check. I guess its over but I'm still painfully holding out hope.
I wouldn't knock internet relationships. They seemed to have gained a lot of popularity expecially in today's technological age. I can tell you of a few people I know that have done the internet dating thing and it has worked out (one's in a serious relationship, the other is married). So it does work. In any case, speaking from experience I'd say it's good you were open an honest with your feelings, though handing out an ultimatum is never a good thing to do; it only puts unwanted pressure on the recipient. As for the other things; if she was getting turned off by you losing your temper a few times, then that's probably an indication that maybe you weren't meant to be. If you can't be yourself around her and have to tip-toe around situations that might make you angry from time to time, then you're not being true to yourself. She should accept you for who you are, faults and all. And it was good that you left it on good terms. It may sound cliched or whatever, but honestly you have to let her go free and if it was meant to be, she'll return to you; otherwise there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Tell her that she can't leave you, and if she does she'll regret it. Then bring up that your father is in the mob and she should watch her back.
There is no telling if you have hope or not with this girl. I understand your ultimatum and your feeling. It is better to know for sure even if the answer is negative than to go on wondering and not knowing. It can drive you crazy. I will say this. The only way you have a chance is to let her come to you. You need to remove yourself. Like I said before, try and have fun, occupy yourself with something, or many things. Let her have the time to perhaps realize that she does indeed want you. Since she feels that it got too serious, back up. If you keep giving her ultimatums, telling her she is wrong, or forcing you attention on her, it will drive her away. You have to let her come to the decision on her own. You need to be as strong as you can be and do as much as you can to have fun on your own. If she decides that you were what she wanted after all she will let you know.
