Friday afternoon story time with mlwoo (10/31/08)

Happy Halloween everybody! It's time for another story that everyone will think is not true. I promise you guys I haven't lied to you yet, but let the criticism continue, I think it's cute.

I have decided to give you a summary of the story before I tell it because some complain about length.

Summary:
-mlwoo gets in a car wreck
-mlwoo hooks up with a fat chick
-mlwoo learns how cougar hunting can backfire
-mlwoo poops his pants and vomits


I went back to my beloved Aggieland to watch us play the wonderfully prole Texas Tech Red Raiders.

I leave after work and am going to meet my friends at 6 on Northgate at New York Sub to eat. I pull on to University right by Northgate and get rear ended. I pull over and the person who hit me follows me. She gets out crying and says that someone ran into her from behind and hit her into me. That guy took off. I was so pissed. We waited almost two hours for a cop to show up after I begged her not to call them. She did anyways obviously.

I get to the bar finally and am pissed off and start to booze heavily. My friend Casey is with me and eventually two more guys meet up with us. All three of them are in a band and are playing later that night.

For some reason I am a huge fan of cougar hunting. I have my beer goggles on and I saw a woman that looked to be about forty years old. I tell her "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." I had her from there. We ended up bullshirting for about 20 minutes. She introduced me to her son, Jaeger(yes, like Jaeger Bomb), who was there with her. He was 13. I give her my number and told her to give me a call later once she puts Jaeger to bed if she wants to meet up for a drink.

We go to the bar where the band is playing and I see a bunch of my old college friends. It was a good time. I am getting fairly intoxicated and my phone rings. It was the cougar. She told me she couldn't leave Jaeger tonight but wanted to meet up the next day. Okay.

The bar is getting close to closing and I realize I have no where to sleep. All my friends that are still in school already have a whole ass ton of people staying with them. I can't find anywhere to stay. Then, out of nowhere, I see my out. I go up to a friend, that is kind of big. Okay, she's big. and I give her a sob story about how I have nowhere to stay. She looks at me kind of sexily and says you can stay with me. Then I realize I am going to have to prostitute myself for a bed. She was parked in a church parking lot and I convinced her to leave it and just take my car. We did.

After my sinful deeds I did for a comfy bed(this bed was one of the best I've ever slept in, down comforter, the whole nine), I wake up to her saying, "You are such an *******." I am confused. Her car got towed. I felt bad for a brief moment then didn't care.

I drive us to the game and we drink a whole lot of screwdrivers at the tailgate. We eneded up never going into the game. We walked to Northgate and hung out there for a while. My cell phone rings. It's the cougar. She wanted to meet up. I told her where I was at. At this point, I was with 4 friends that would have been really fun to hang out with a cougar with. As soon as we get to the bar, one of them tells me that all of the girls are coming to meet up with us and another tells me his parents are coming. This situation was about to get ugly.

The cougar now walks in with no makeup on so she is not even semi-attractive. She has short sleeves on where she had long the night before. She has a dragon tattoo covering her entire left upper arm. The girls were already there and started laughing. I pulled her up to the bar to get her away from my group because I was so embarassed. I had to talk to this lady for two hours because I felt I couldn't get away. She started inviting me to all kinds of parties and stuff in the future and saying she wants to visit me in Houston. Scary stuff.

I learned a valuable lesson: Cougar hunting can backfire.

I get to my friends house and take a nap. We went to a party at my old frat house. It was stupid. The girls looked like they were 15. I ended up running into my boss's daughter which was weird. I didn't feel too good at the party. I thought I was still hungover from the night before so I didn't drink too much.

I found a couch to sleep on at my old roomate's girlfriend's place. I have Casey and his girlfriend in the room with me. There are 5 other girls in the apartment. Two are each in separate rooms while the third room has three girl's sleeping in it.

I wake up in the morning feeling awful. I have to use the restroom bad. I need to go immediately or I will crap my pants. The only restroom not in a girl's room is being used right now for a girl showering. I have a choice to make: Which restroom to go in? The one with one girl? Or the one with three? It would seem like an easy answer, but the girl in the room alone is not nice and would blurt out "ewww" and yell and stuff and I wasn't feeling like dealing with that at that point.

I sneak to the girls bathroom by the three sleeping girls. I literally have diarrhea for about 2 minutes straight. I turn on the faucets and everything and the fan. I them start vomitting. It literally reminded me of the South Park where they would crap then turn around and throw up in the toilet. It was one of the most miserable things I've ever experienced. I sneak out and it appears I haven't woken anyone somehow.

I get on the road immediately and decide I need to go over to my parents house because my mom has a stacked medicine cabinet. I have to stop on the side of the beltway and thrrow up. On the shoulder. I get home finally and am sick for three days. I sharted probably 5 times I had such bad diarrhea. It was awful.

 

Yes, it's also a restauraunt called the Dixie Chicken. This was at around 8 or so.

 

Actually I am a much younger, better looking, non-alcholic, non-pub fiction going, non-metrosexual, non-depressed version of yourself that doesn't cry about his emotional problems on the internet. You are 36 for Jesus sakes, grow up. Fatty Fat Fat. You probably have no reason to live and are doomed to be that creepy guy at the bar hitting on twenty year olds. Hell, you probably already are that creepy guy hitting on twenty year olds.

Your Life: F-

 

Rod Flanders: "I got him daddy!"