there must be heaps here's a start The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and, after a brief chat about world affairs, the Iraqi says, "I have a question that I think perhaps you can answer. "President Bush says, "Well, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'll do my best." The Iraqi ambassador continues, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs, leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers, "It's because it takes place in the future...."
From CrimQuips 3/7/03 Commentary by Barry Crimmins http://www.barrycrimmins.com __________________ Give Bush credit, he got through an entire softball tournament (aka/press conference) without a single trip to the beer keg. Bush looked as if the NRA had just ambushed him with an automatic tranquilizer gun. It was the press conference version of former North Carolina basketball coach Dean Smith's old "four corners," a tactic that was used to keep the score low and the ball out of the opponent's hands. Smith was said to "take the air out of the ball. In this case it was used to over-inflate a windbag. (Sorry, but it is March so some basketball analogies are inevitable. By the way Dean Smith has great politics: anti- death pen, antiwar back during Vietnam and a major fighter for civil rights. So no disrespect is meant towards Coach Smith. That said, "Let's Go Orange!") A shot clock would have added about 15 questions to last night's tedious stall by Bush. Aaron Copeland couldn't have created anything even remotely as orchestrated as Bush's "press conference." "This is a scripted ...” was close as W came to uttering a fully truthful sentence last night. Bush implied that if the UN Security Council keeps working for peace, it would show itself to be a fraudulent organization. And to think that many of us believed peace was the central purpose for the United Nations! W said, "I don't like war." But he likes it better than he used to when he could have gone to it but got his father to keep him out of it. Bush believes war is an acquired taste and so he is attempting to pass along to hundreds of thousands of young American troops. This way they can have the privilege of learning to love it earlier than he did. Bush said, "We will respect innocent life in Iraq." How? By giving it a good Christian burial? W repeatedly said, "My job is to protect America." And just like he did back in his National Guard days, it looks like he's headed for some severe dereliction of duty. Bush kept reminding us that he took an oath to uphold the Constitution. Of course it's a lot easier to uphold now that Ashcroft’s has abridged it. Bush keeps telling us "Americans love freedom." I suppose it follows that foreigners enjoy enslavement, which would explain the Bush imperialistic foreign policy. "Saddam tortures his own people." said Bush, oblivious to the cruel irony inherent in his raising that charge while making America sit through last night's contrived affair. "Freedom is at stake," said Bush. OK, and then why not bomb the Crossgates Mall in Albany, NY? Bush said, "As we head into the 21st century..." It's official, W doesn't even know what millennium this is. Then again maybe his "As we head into the 21st century...” remark is just an indication as to how long it took them to prepare W for last night's phony press conference. There aren't enough bananas in the world to train this monkey to properly pronounce the word "nuclear." But hey, if you can't train the president, train the press corps. Bush's claiming that his desire to attack Iraq is provoked by a plan to protect American shores is about as logical as releasing cobras to protect children on playgrounds. Bush actually told us his biggest worry concerning North Korea is that one of their nukes could end up in the hands of a dangerous dictator. What exactly does he think Kim Jong Il is? Have you noticed that the demand has gone from Saddam divesting himself of "weapons of mass destruction" to a demand for "complete disarmament?" Saddam is a horrible despot and I'm certain the Iraqi people would love for him to be deposed --but I doubt there are many Iraqis who want him to "completely disarm" as hundreds of thousands of hostile invaders amass on their borders. Reports of the US chasing 300 Iraqi spies around the world sound dramatic until you realize that all countries have spies but only the USA brings theirs to the UN Security Council to corroborate testimony by its secretary of state. Someone, somewhere in the media please mention just once that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the alleged mastermind of 9/11, was (allegedly) captured in Pakistan, NOT IRAQ! After last week's (alleged) capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a man who had been reported dead last fall, if they announce they have nabbed Osama bin Laden, I will want to want know the whereabouts of actor Michael Richards (Kramer from Seinfeld.)
Top 11 reasons Bush withdrew from a speaking commitment when the European host wouldn't guarantee a standing ovation for his remarks on Iraq: 11. He's become accustomed to one since toilet training. 10. Will use the snub as pretext to invade later. 9. It's in his contract with the Fox network. 8. David Hasselhoff gets "standing-Os" in Strasbourg all the time. 7. How else can he measure the fealty of his subjects? 6. They always gave Clinton one. 5. Europe is such an arrogant country. 4. They seem to have forgotten how guys like his dad saved them from Nazi collaborators like his grandfather during World War 2. 3. He doesn't buy $14,000 suits for polite applause. 2. It's the least they can do if they're not going to bow and curtsy. 1. If the free press of the United States caves-in to his every demand, why should he expect any less from the rest of the world?
LMAO! That's a nice one, and no hyperbole about his grandpa; that's when the Bush family made their economic pie higher.
Late Night Iraq Jokes / Saddam Jokes These are jokes that were collected from those late night TV shows like Leno , andLletterman and Conan o Brien. Basically they are just one / two liners, but pretty funny anyways. "New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." —Craig Kilborn "In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." —Jay Leno "A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman "President Bush's approval rating has dropped another five points just in the last week. It's now down to 58 percent. I'm not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein." —Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno "U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan says he can think of no reason to attack Iraq right now. I can think of five off the top of my head: Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Texaco and BP." —Jay Leno "President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" —Jay Leno "In California, 50 women protested the im pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno "As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." —Jay Leno "U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?" —Jay Leno "According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced that it would offset those costs by referring to it as the Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Saddam Hussein has agreed to let UN weapons inspectors in Iraq. But he also said under no circumstances will Geraldo be let back in the country." —Conan O'Brien "They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penn's couch." —David Letterman "The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a 'safe haven' for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?" —Jay Leno "Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped." —Jon Stewart "The bill gives the president the power to wage war on Iraq — or, as President Bush calls it, "Operation Re-election.'" —Jay Leno, on the vote in Congress to authorize war against Iraq "President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the president's address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech 'When Presidents Attack.'" —Conan O'Brien "It's like they're the Wal-Mart of evil." —Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bush's description of Iraq as a country that "gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place" "More and more information coming out on Saddam Hussein. We now know that he has, like, 24 presidential palaces. Each one of these palaces of Saddam's has a dolphin pool and an amusement park. Well, if you didn't think this guy was creepy before — now he's starting to sound like Michael Jackson." —David Letterman "President Bush is asking Congress for permission to wage war on Iraq. Some members of Congress are reluctant to go along with the plan so far. All Bush needs to do is remind these guys that, in Iraq, an adulterer gets stoned to death." —Jay Leno "What was left unclear...is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh...1982 Saddam." —Jon Stewart "More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy — he's one of their own." —Jay Leno "Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news — they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel." —David Letterman "Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio." —Jay Leno "President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished." —Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there." —Jay Leno "The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up." —Jay Leno "The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army." —Conan O'Brien "Germany is now saying that they won’t go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France and Belgium." —Jay Leno "A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father." —Jay Leno "Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we can't even get the people of Florida to choose their own leaders." —Jay Leno "I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, let's wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there." —Craig Kilborn "The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad." —Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?" —Jay Leno "The U.S. and several of our allies have been trying to secretly to convince Saddam Hussein to step down from power and go into exile forever. It's called 'Operation Al Gore.'" —Jay Leno "The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida." —Conan O'Brien "Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg." —David Letterman "Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein." —Jay Leno "Here's something dreadful I heard about. You know these suicide bombers. Turns out Saddam Hussein is paying these people. He's paying people money to blow themselves up. Isn't that nuts? Isn't that just bizarre? More bizarre than that, recently he increased their salary. The increase is $10,000 to $25,000 for a suicide bombing. Coincidentally, that's the same deal I signed up for with CBS." —David Letterman "Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. I was sweating like Saddam Hussein watching Bush's poll numbers drop." —Jay Leno "President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the president's address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech 'When Presidents Attack.'" —Conan O'Brien "It's like they're the Wal-Mart of evil." —Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bush's description of Iraq as a country that "gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place" "Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting." —Jon Stewart "What was left unclear...is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh...1982 Saddam." —Jon Stewart "In a bizarre move, Saddam Hussein has released all prisoners being held in Iraqi jails. Isn't that amazing? Iraq has prisoners that are still alive." —Jay Leno "Isn't it funny how people say they'll never grow up to be their parents, then one day they look in the mirror and they're moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf region?" —from The Onion's "question man" about President Bush's plans for war with Iraq "The New York Times is reporting that President Bush now has a formal plan for attacking Iraq. They say the key to this plan is timing. As soon as Bush's popularity falls below 52 percent, then it goes into effect." —Jay Leno, July 2002
Bush is so bad at improvisation of any kind his press conference question and answer sessions are now scripted, the guys he picks are screened beforehand. Unfortunately, this is the truth, and not just a joke. http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/Co...023&call_pageid=968867495754&col=969483191630
