Amico Report: The "Should've" Awards

LOL! Some stuff here is just hilarious!

http://www.amicoreport.com/steinberg_article.html

The 'Should've' Awards: One list of who lost

By Mark Steinberg

May 12, 2005

Now that all of the NBA hardware has been handed out, it's time for the 2005 "Should've" Awards. Anybody can tell you who won and why. The real question is, who got robbed.

Most Valuable Player

The biggest of 'em all is also the touchiest. I love Steve Nash. Thanks to him, suburban Canadian streets will be littered with moptops dribbling up and down their driveways, dreaming of one day dating a Spice Girl.

Not only is he one of the league's premier shooters and the best pure passer, but he looks cool doing it and makes all the girls swoon. Then again, so does Usher. There's no doubt Nash is the reason for the Suns' turnaround and the mile-a-minute ball they play, but ask yourself this question: Without Nash are the Suns still a playoff team? Possibly.

But, take Shaquille O'Neal off the Heat and they're the Milwaukee Bucks at best. Shaq has made multi-millionaires out of Damon Jones, Keyon Dooling and Udonis Haslem just by being on the floor. There's a waiting list of Turkish nobodies and Dickey Simpkins wannabes lined up to play alongside him.

Thus, we're left with the classic battle. The "Greasers" versus the "Socs". Even though I'm a Pony Boy man, much to the chagrin of my Canadian brethren, the first "Should've" goes to Shaq. The Daddy makes such an impact that he changed the fortunes of at least FOUR teams.

Aside from the Heat, he relegated the Lakers to the lottery, stepped out of the way of the Spurs' path to the Finals and may put the kibosh on the Pistons hopes of repeating like the Bad Boys of old.

The argument that "Shaq's so big and dominant that he doesn't count" is ridiculous. Shaq's so dominant 'cause Shaq's so good. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Just ask Kobe who the MVP is. He found out what Oates found out when he wanted to leave Hall. If only someone had warned Andrew Ridgeley.


Defensive Player

Ben Wallace won (again) and while Big Ben is clearly a defensive behemoth, there are two players who are more deserving (three if Andrei Kirilenko doesn't spend the season as banged up as Drago at the end of Rocky IV) -- Marcus Camby and Allen Iverson.

Wallace has the advantage of being the center point of a well-oiled team defense that collapses on an offense and then bottlenecks toward his gangly arms and massive 'fro. Camby and Iverson are mostly alone -- having to clean up the messes left by Kyle Korver, Carmelo Anthony, et al.

One on one, help D and in the zone, Iverson has become a smothering force that no player has an answer (ohh... I get it) for. Plus, it really is true. A good offense is a good defense. By toying with these stiffs when he has the ball, AI is in complete control on the defensive end, stealing more often than Winona Ryder.

And Camby? He is literally everywhere on the floor, picking up where Dennis Rodman left off. Camby anticipates every miss, is two steps ahead of the shooter on their own shots and dives for more loose balls than anyone in the league. Camby "Should've" been the winner here and was likely hampered by his "Cotton" Camby rep, which he may never shake. As for AI, he's a close second.


Comeback Player

This one pains me to say it and even my keyboard is fighting me as I type it out, but... it's Vince Carter. No offense to Bobby Simmons, but VC's turnaround was so dynamic, that it happened in the very same season! He went from averaging 15 a game to more than 27. In November, he was injured so often he needed a note from Epstein's Mother to get out of practice. Come April, he's throwing down dunks and crashing the boards like Charles Oakley was waiting to beat him up outside the team bus.


Rookie of the Year

Pape Sow. Best Rookie outside of Senegal? That would be Emeka Okafor. No "Should've". You could make a mild argument for Dwight Howard or Ben Gordon, but why bother. The real test is in five years. Anybody still blown away by what Mike Miller is doing?


Sixth Man

I have no beef with Ben Gordon here. He's deserving of the award. Plus, I don't care if Ricky Davis averages a quadruple double over the season -- he's not getting a single vote. I would strongly consider voting for Udey and Qusay Hussein over this prick. Congrats Ben, you win.


Coach of the Year

Rick Carlisle. Sure, Mike D'Antoni led the Suns to the best record, but it's one of those Joe Torre, Cito Gaston, Phil Jackson things. He's loaded with talent. No question he did a great job pulling them all together and buying into his run 'n gun philosophy, but the truth is, nobody outside of Phoenix and Italy, save for Kobe Bryant, ever heard of or cared about D'Antoni -- thus, he won. It's the element of surprise that drives half of these awards.

Now look at Carlisle. He lost his best player for half the season and his best rapper for the whole thing. He has Cheryl Miller's brother playing so hard you'd have thought he was auditioning for Spike's, "He Got Game 2" and at one point, both David Harrison and Fred Jones were in the starting lineup and he won with them. Forget won with them -- he nabbed the sixth seed and then tossed aside the Celts. Brilliant.


Top Executive (tie)

Mitch Kupchak and Kobe. For making the Heat so damn good.


Best Name About to Enter the NBA

Jihad Mohammed. Good luck at the airport.


Biggest Free Agent Disaster Waiting to Happen?

Samuel Dalembert must be French for Brian Grant.


Biggest Disappointment

Kevin Garnett. At least Kobe lost the greatest center of his generation and had the weight of being every hotel clerk's worst nightmare hanging over his head. What's KG's excuse? Fred Hoiberg just wasn't pullin' his weight?


Best Shaq Quote

"Some things you just can't question. Like you can't question why two plus two is four. So don't question it, don't try to look it up. I don't know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I sexy? I don't know."


Best Shaq Quote II

"I play my best ball at 345. I need my meat because I'm going to take a beating. If you put a guy in front of me who eats salad and cucumber and baked chicken all day, I'll kill him."

Best Quote Not in English

"Hay mucha adrenalina en estos torneos también". Manu Ginobili.

(No idea, but it sounds cool).

 

Judging by the other 'fake' awards in the article, I think he is making up awards just trying to be creative/funny.

I like the part about Carlisle losing his best player for stretches and his "best rapper for the season"

I also love the part about Hoiberg not "carrying his weight"