Sorry if this is long. I've been wanting to ask advice for awhile, but feel weird doing it so directly. I've shared stuff in the D&D about it and have received some really nice encouragement/advice, so I figured I'd just bite the bullet and do it. Maybe it will offer me different perspectives. I feel like I'm at dead end right now. I don't know what to do about my relationship with my parents, which has become utterly fake and toxic over the last few months. It consumes my thoughts and makes me crazy. In short, I used to share beliefs (political and religious) with my parents. I never questioned anything they said and I was really involved in church, was the secretary of the Teenage Republicans in high school, made straight As, etc. I've always been 100% about winning their approval and making them happy. Well, as people change, so do the values and beliefs we hold dear. I have gone down a painful road in that aspect; make no mistake, I was not flippant in renouncing what I once knew to be true. It took many, many years to come to terms with my beliefs (and lack of belief). So first they were really pissed off when they found out I wasn't a Republican anymore, back right before college. My dad has ranted and raved to me about how clueless I am and how morally vacant the "other side" is. I've talked about this a lot on here actually. It's very irritating, and they always try to provoke me with political talk. Lately I have politely asked them to not talk about political stuff when I'm hanging out with them. (Debate is meaningless, it would just devolve into my dad screaming above anyone's attempt at a normal conversation). Religion is a whole 'nother animal. I was raised to view atheists and agnostics as probably the worst people on the face of the earth. Dirty, foul, awful, appalling, miserable people. I bought into that line for so long that sometimes I still feel a twinge of unease when someone boldly declares their unbelief. This is the worst possible thing I could ever be. I think my parents would respect me more if I was a convicted murderer. To not have to deal with their wrath, I've told them that I'm just having a faith crisis but that I still believe in God. It's what keeps me sane (surface level). Once every month or so they'll find a book, or a journal entry, or SOMETHING that will have them confronting me, screaming, crying, asking aloud where they went wrong. Every single time I convince myself to just be honest with them, I can't. My dad has told me before that my mother couldn't sleep for a week because she found some sort of evidence of my unbelief. Another time my mom told me to not talk to my sister about religion because my skepticism might rub off (which is ironic, because my sister left religion before I did). Anyways, my mom will snoop around trying to get the "scoop" on my life. A few weeks ago she read through some diary entries (in which I talked about not believing in God, my cynicism toward the idea of settling down and having kids, as well as references to alcohol/pot) and went ballistic on me. Obviously I am spiraling downward as a result of lack of faith. It was a good opportunity to come clean, just tell the truth, but I caved. I told her I had come back from atheism to reconsider my faith and was trying hard to believe. She quoted a bunch of scripture to me and prayed over me, for hours. I felt like I was going insane. One moment they're prying and wanting to know everything, the next minute they're telling me "I don't want to know if you're an atheist, or if you're drinking, or hanging out with men, just don't tell me." There's so many tricky mind games involved. I have gone to church with them every Sunday since that intercessory prayer meeting 6 or 7 weeks ago that I didn't ask for. I figure, hey, my best friend from high school has been doing just fine telling her parents she's still religious, and going to church with them when they visit, so why can't I do it? (I think the difference is, I am not as well-adjusted, and still constantly seek approval). I go to church, I try to get what I can out of it, but you really can't fake it easily. My mom stares at me throughout the service. I know they don't trust me. A couple Sundays ago I was watching football with them and went upstairs to wash my face, and on my way up I hear my mom say to my dad, "What do you think she does up there?" It feels awful to be treated almost like a stranger in the house in which you grew up. I love my parents. They have provided well and loved my sister and I deeply. But I feel like they're holding me back. The other day I felt a pang of guilt when reading a Stephen Jay Gould book. I want to fully embrace my new interests and hobbies, but I feel like they're spying on me or something. Thoughtcrime. Oh my god, that's so sad. I guess it just shows how easily I'm manipulated. I am 24 years old and it seems like my #1 goal in life is to be the perfect daughter that my dad used to endlessly brag about to coworkers. I know it's all ridiculous, and I just need to be honest, but I'm scared of the reaction. Its absolutely nauseating to think about. My uncle was a self described secular humanist and my parents were always really bitter about it over the years. He died of stomach cancer last December and there's a huge ongoing rift between my mom and her sisters because my mom came up to Michigan and was preaching to my uncle on his death bed, when he wanted her to stop. It was a very sad situation. I don't want that same bitterness and pity to be the elephant in the room whenever I'm spending time with them, ya know? Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just go through the motions til they pass on. I don't think I can do it for much longer though. Sometimes I feel like the only solution is being honest and then moving to another city or state to lessen their interference in my life. Running, basically - it seems super pathetic. I definitely do not want to be the person who barely knows their parents in their adult years and then one day, bam, they're gone. That makes me so sad to think about, at times to the point of tears. I feel like if I don't choose my words and actions carefully, I could damage my relationship with them beyond repair. I want to please them, but I also want to feel free to be open and honest and to embrace my new belief system and explore all it has to offer. I hate how things are now. Can anyone offer any advice?
Show your parents your post. "bite the bullet" as you said. If you get a negative response, then separate for awhile. So, I agree with your last paragraph. But still try to stay in touch. Time heals.
You are old enough to do your own thing. What your parents are doing is that little bit of natural instinct they still have left about trying to steer you in the right path. Don't let yourself be manipulated. Overall they still love you and eventually they'll learn that they're going to have to respect and treat you as an equal adult not as a teenager or child anymore.
I've said before that I think your relationship with your parents is very destructive to you. Perhaps it would be best to move to another town, but not while in open conflict with them. Then you could have the odd visit here and there, and you could both pretend that everything is fine. I don't think heypartner's idea of showing them your post would be helpful, but agree, pretty much, with the rest of it. I think you need to look to yourself for once.
I'm in a similar situation, but not to that extreme, so i dont know exactly how this feels...but i basically realized i wasnt being myself and that was interfering with who i wanted to be. I thought that as long as what i wanted was to be generally a good person, then what was wrong with that? I think sometimes it's a tough cycle...you conform, your life is unhappy, and when your parents are gone it's too late to really change and you basically have become them. The cycle continue with your kids, and so on. It has to be broken at some point to improve the relationship between generations. I guess i'm lucky my parents would rather avoid/ignore the situation most of the time, rather than confront me. If and when it comes up, i try to make sure they understand i'm not on a crusade against God or religion. It's not about hating it. Show them you're still capable of being a great person without it with actions, whether it's how you deal with them, others, your own life, etc..perhaps eventually they'll realize religion and politics don't determine the kind of person you are or will be. You're still at an age where you can afford to do that for a while and hope they ease up some. Sometimes it's the parents who need some tough love.
If you live at home, then you should probably honor them and understand how important their beliefs are to them. As you have taken lots of time to reflect on your beliefs, they will take even longer to accept your new views as well. If you live on your own, then don't worry about it, keep it light when you talk, and go enjoy the stuff you really like, find out about things you are interested in....life is a journey, it is an individual time of discovery. No one else can make you believe, or turn you into something you are not. Find out for yourself, enjoy the ride and respect your folks, but remember, they will struggle at some point with your decisions, but they are not really mad at you, what they are doing is questioning their own selves for how they raised you, and wondering if they made a mistake etc. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Some people do not want to question things, fine, let them be happy as they are....at the end of the day, you gotta be you. Just remember that they love you, and will worry about you your entire life, there is nothing you can do about that...it is what parents do. My parents won't even let me buy them dinner, and while that bugs me, it is what it is..... So finals....go find out about yourself, enjoy the journey, and remember that your family loves you..... DD
This might not mean as much coming from a guy who: A: Had parents who were always accepting (if not supportive) of my atheism. I decided I was an atheist sometime around jr. high school but I was critical of God and the Bible stories as far back as I can remember. B. Does not value family as much as most folks do. So here goes; you don't owe them ****. If they can't accept you for who you are then cut contact with them. Blood isn't thicker than water no mater how many times people tell you that and being around negative/ignorant people is bad for you no matter what their relation is to you. If they love you they will learn to deal. You have done the right thing by asking them to not bring up these subjects in your face although I couldn't even accept that compromise. I'm seething at the thought of you dealing with this and I don't even know you.
i forgot to add...it's important they realize you're not changing...by going back and forth you appear confused to them, so they'll keep hope alive that they can convince you to come back to their beliefs. The sooner they realize you're happy with your beliefs and won't budge, the sooner they'll have to figure out how to start dealing with it. Moving out is definitely a good idea, since parents believe they have more control over their kids lives if they're still proving for them in some way. I dont think it should be to another city though, unless you'd be happy living there.
It's just a contract renegotiation. Sit them down, explain that you've changed as a person but want to maintain a relationship. If they don't appear accepting of that, dangle the threat of moving to another town and cutting off communication. Throw in a bunch of qualifiers about still loving them and all that stuff, and sticking together when times get tough. Other than that your only other leverage would be a wedding and some grandkids.
Do what is best for your relationship with your parent, its important to keep it intact, religion can cause people to become irratational, and that applies to your parent as well. It's not that hard to put up an act, just remain quiet when the topic of religion or politics comes up. You've really got to guage what your parents reaction will be if you did tell them everything that you wrote above, if its going to destroy the relationship then its not worth discussing it.
You need to explain to them that they are pushing you away and specifically explain the actions that are doing so as well as the fact that it is making you consider cutting back on contact. For a healthy relationship between parents and their adult children, both sides need to be able to respect the others decisions... if that's not possible you are going to have trouble. On the other hand, you don't have to tell your parents everything and definitely don't rub your differing values in their faces - this may mean cutting back on what you post online, whether it's on websites they know about or not. Several members have previously warned you (and that other guy out there we won't mention) that you put way too much personal stuff out there.
[joke] Tell them you got knocked up by a gay hispanic muslim from guadalajara... but you aborted it.[/joke] I would say just keep yourself as busy as you can away from them. Be as polite as you can and understand that your parents are set in their ways. Focus on your future. If you work hard right now, you won't have to put up with this nonsense when you are independent and far away.
just tell them how you feel. how you honestly feel. hugs if they fail you. high fives if they support you.
I may get bashed for saying this, but coming from personal experience, you may consider not telling them at all an just continue on pretending to be something you're not. I won't go into the details of what my life is like, but sometimes learning new and shocking information about their children can be just about one of the most devastating things ever to a parent. You already know this. And because you sound like a caring and sensible person, you know that bitterness, resentment, and disappointment toward you is not something you'd like to see your parents go through for the rest of their life, much less for an evening. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. But it comes at a cost. You have to determine whether a lifetime (well their lifetime, as grim as it sounds) of pretending to be something you aren't is worth it. And if you're that selfless. Do you have any gay friends that came out to parents who were similar to yours? If so, you might want to ask them what it was like. You obviously love your parents and want to maintain a relationship with them. And I get the feeling that you'd put that over your own happiness. Feelings of guilt should go away after a while, and once you realize that it's ultimately for their happiness. And yes, you'll continue to be "held back" - but it may not be that difficult once you realize how to handle certain situations (first priority: take back your diary and leave it where they can't read it). The Rockets game is starting soon so I'll wrap this up. But PM me if you want and I can give you details of my experiences and how I've handled things. Whatever you do, good luck.
Thanks for the words. This has been eating me up inside for so long and hearing feedback i guess somehow lessens the burden. I don't live with them btw, just a few exits down I-10 away. arkoe, i know...it's just so easy to let too much slip on here because it feels so much like a family, and hearing different opinions puts things in perspective. I hear you though...i think therapy would probably be the more prudent (and private) way to vent instead of blabbering about all my problems to strangers :]
Is there another family member that you could get involved that could help build a bridge between you and them? Clearly they aren't thinking rationally and maybe a 3rd party could help more than silence at this juncture.
It's a tough situation, but you have to live your life in the end. Be honest with them and start your life independently from them.
I had a similar experience, but the opposite direction. To make a long story short, one day as a junior in high school, I went to church and got saved. My parents were shocked and had a hard time dealing with it. They confronted me often and asked a lot of questions they knew I couldn't answer. After a while, things turned around and they stopped asking when I wanted them to ask. A few years later (after graduating from college with a chemical engineering degree) I really went off the deep end and spent a year in West Africa as a missionary. Ever since, you could safely say my planet's orbit has the farthest orbit from the family sun.
My little story doesn't have any advice in it, but maybe you can get something encouraging out of it. My father and my youngest sister have had a volatile relationship at best... At one point, my sister decided being a couch surfer with a bunch of people of ill repute was better than staying in the same house as him. (Granted, she was 18, and could do as she pleased.) When my sister was packing up, my dad told her that once she walked out the door, she would never be welcomed back. She said that was more than fine with her, and promptly left. That afternoon, my father changed the locks and the security codes on everything, and removed her from their insurance policies. My sister remained in contact with my mom, and occasionally visited her at the house, and my dad would literally act like she wasn't there because she was effectively dead to him. Time went by, and my sister spiraled downward into some pretty heavy drug use, eventually ran out of places to stay, and ran out of basically every means of living. My dad continued to deny her existence and acted like there wasn't a single problem in the world. So ultimately, she realized she couldn't do it on her own anymore, and she showed up on my parents doorstep sobbing and begging to come home. My dad let her in and hasn't ever brought up the notion of her not being welcome. It took a really long time for both of them to adjust, but they both have calmed down, accepted each other, and actually get along most days. They still occasionally have pretty epic fights, but ultimately, my sister knows that my dad may be pissed as all hell, but he will still be there for her. I know it was incredibly hard for my dad and my sister, but they've made it, so I genuinely hope that your parents can put your differences aside and just be there for you too.
I cannot imagine being under "assault" by my parents like that. I don't think you can tell them anything. I'd be inclined to tell them that you are thinking about moving away for awhile and tell them WHY. Give them a chance to get a grip on their behavior. It may take moving on for awhile to get the message received. I also want to add that, at 24, you don't know as much as you think you do. I have a 24 YO daughter and a 26 YO son and I was both those ages once myself!
