I got this in the e-mail today. It's too funny not to share. Enjoy! YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM HOUSTON IF: The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes. You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees. Everybody has a story of the Flying Roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes; you know that he just stepped in a fire ant bed. You're on your way to work one FEBRUARY morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses- with riders- and you look around to see that everybody in the trucks around you is wearing a cowboy hat. The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean bad screwdriver. "Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town. You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World. You come to work in short sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue northern" has blown through and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees. Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations are a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp. You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Asian characters instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise. You go to an art festival and you're almost run down by hand-holding cross-dressers on roller blades. You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person. For a Chili Cook off, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped - not ground beef, and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes. Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year. Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south. You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. During rush-hour, you haven't left your NEIGHBORHOOD. You've never seen I-45 and I-10 in any condition other than under construction - and you've lived here for more than 30 years. You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile transmissions. "The Dream" is not a fantasy. A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it. You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury. You see nothing unusual about an eighty-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sun- glasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, iiiiiii-witness news" into a television camera every night. But some folks are still upset with him for shutting down the Chicken Ranch. If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a GOOD hair day.
Houston's Downtown is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Houston is to turn around and start over when you reach Dallas, Texas. All directions start with, "Go down Westheimer..." Westheimer has no beginning and no end. Houston is home of Coca Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink. Houstonians only know their way home and their way to work. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive". The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. he 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey". Kuykendahl can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The falling of one raindrop or (God, forbid) one snowflake causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. If you're standing on a corner and a Metro Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere. Houston is pronounced "YEW-STON". People from New York have no idea... Construction on the Southwest Freeway is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour. Houston's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Houston's traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions. The 95 pound woman driving the Ford Excursion (the largest SUV on the market) absolutely MUST come to a complete stop, then proceed at 2.5 mph over any railroad track. Let's face it, this vehicle was built to invade small countries with, and she's worried about the damn rail road tracks!!!
The one thing I would concede is that everything is a coke. Not soda or pop but coke. Example: Dude #1 - "Hey, you want a coke?" Dude #2 - "Sure." Dude #1 - "What do you want?" Dude #2 - "A Dr. Pepper." Dude #1 - "Ok."
LOL!!! Houston definitely has the worst drivers. Always in a hurry to get somewhere. Where are these people going in such a hurry? Accidents are plentiful allright.
Ever been to Austin? At least in Houston, everyone drives the same way. Here, you have half the people who are trying to get somewhere fast, and half of the people scared ****less even being out of the house, much less on a highway. It gets very irritating.
When I first moved to Houston, I came off of I-10. I saw a police officer in an F-150 pull someone over. At that point, I said to myself, "F*ckin' aye, I'm in Texas!" Five yrs later, I own an F-150 myself. You know you're in Houston (or TX) when all you see are huge a55 trucks driving around.
About a year ago my fiancee and her parents were visiting Houston and eveytime we went went anywhere we of course went on Weshheimer. At one point, after driving on Westheimer for 30 minutes with no end in site, my fiancee's father made a brilliant observation that I had never really thought about before. He looked at the shops on both sides of Westheimer and said, "So I guess Westheimer is just the world's longest strip mall, right?" I thought about it and all I could say was "Yeah, I guess so."
bad drivers??? try dallas!!! you have freeways with no entrance ramps...you get on and you're ON!!! makes for some interesting driving decisions!
Trucks Depreciated like falling bricks everywhere BUT TEXAS . . .where they retain there value and may even go up Rocket River
Actually, sometimes there are ramps...but the bad drivers do not understand them and usually make a complete stop before merging and wait until no other car is in sight to move. That was always very frustrating.
